Ah that didn’t take long. Two weeks in and I already missed an update. I told you I couldn’t handle the pressure. All you kind folks throwing praise at me really got me overwhelmed and I as sure as shit didn’t want to write a subpar update and let you all down. I know thats not the point of doing this but oh boy do I like beating myself up for no reason.
So, I missed a week everybody. That didn’t feel good. Except for the part that did feel good. You know the relief of apathy. Let me explain. Sometimes, I procrastinate, and by sometimes I mean anytime of have a deadline whether it be real or arbitrarily self imposed. It is a real poor work habit I have had for as long as I can remember.
When I was kid and I would get assigned school projects and I would put them off till the very last day. For years on the last day I would work like a crazy person to get the whole thing done in one sitting, which is a terrible way to do something and makes you not enjoy what you are learning at all. But I would always get things done because I was so afraid of what would happen if I didn’t.
Not that I would fail or anything like that but I thought my life literally depended on finishing an assignment. Like if I didn’t finish my teacher would turn into some sort of rage monster and consume me. I believed this into middle school. However at some point I missed an assignment, and you know what happened? Nothing. Sure, I got yelled at a little but I did not witness a mild mannered seventh grade english teacher turn into a hell beast bent on tearing my soul apart. Anyway, when you treat something like life and death and you survive it suddenly there is the relief of feeling alive. Down the line eventually you have to deal with the negative consequences but in the moment it is instant gratification.
Procrastinating is masturbation for the soul. Note change the name of this article to Masturbation for the Soul. And like real masturbation, if you do it to much it can be paralyzing. That wasn’t the only negative thing that happened the past couple weeks and I don’t want to blow missing an article out of proportion but I’ll leave it at that. I don’t want to talk about the general sense of ennui I feel a lot of the time because what would I write about next week.
Well, I have been really busy everybody. I know that it probably doesn’t sound positive coming from the guy who just wrote about procrastination and apathy, but it is a good thing. Even if it is just a distraction from the crushing pain in my soul it is still some relief. But its more than that.
I’ve been writing for this site a ton. I did miss this column last week but I have started another column that people seem to really like and I have written a series or articles that are going to come out later this summer. As Rich Karski, America’s Fool, said, “Ted you’ve written more in the last week than you have in the last two years.” And he is correct in that. And I’ve once again quickly replaced him as the most popular writer on the site. Maybe next week he can write about how he heard a Cure song while he was crying about how much more people like me. I’m sorry, this part of the article is for positivity so I shouldn’t be mean to Rich, but have you met the guy? He really really deserves this.
I also started doing a podcast with Shawn Carter, its called Fart the Podcast and it is going to be as great as anything called Fart the Podcast can be. Look for it soon. I will bring it up every week until Carter starts posting them. Its also grilling season. I love grilling. I love cooking for people in general but there is something so great about grilling. It combines feeding human beings with my first love, playing with fire.
Oh and its just getting started. I found a five dollars off ribs coupon today and I’m going to be the most popular guy at all the cook outs. I also started working on a project that I am not going to tell you about but I think it may be the single funniest thing I have ever come up with, and thats saying a lot because I wrote suck all the dicks and that joke is amazing. But maybe in a few months when its done I’ll tell you about it. Or maybe it will be like most of my other things and never get done because I procrastinated the shit out of it.