Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that can prove climate change is caused by Italians constantly talking with their mouths full.
We are through another week of NFL football. Almost a quarter of the whole damned season! So far it has been decidedly *shrug* and historically “meh.” Some exciting things have happened, like Julio Jones and Matt Ryan shaking down the Panthers’ defense for a season’s worth of lunch money. Some not as exciting things have happened, like having to watch games quarterbacked by the likes of Cody Kessler, Jacoby Brissett, Case Keenum, and Blaine Gabbert. All in all this season feels like it hasn’t really even started yet, and I’m not quite sure why… OH YEAH TOM BRADY IS BACK YOU GUYS GUESS WHAT TOM BRADY IS BACK TOM BRADY COMES BACK THIS WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK.
In honor of Tom Brady’s return from suspension, EVERY GAME in this column is going to be somehow related back to the topic of Tom Brady because I don’t care what any of you think because I stopped respecting my parents at a very young age. Feel free to bail right now if you want, but I promise if you do you will miss something important about Tom Brady’s effortless charm and natural drive to succeed. ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 8-6-0. As always, home team is in caps.
Arizona -4 vs. SAN FRANCISCO
You know who Tom Brady’s favorite team was when he was a kid? The San Francisco 49ers! See, the 49ers were quarterbacked by a man named Joe Montana at the time. Ol’ Blue Joe is what they used to call him, on account of he would eat about 17 of those red white and blue rocket pops before each game. Lotta folks thought maybe his mouth was more purple than blue, due to the red mixing with the blue in the pop. “No no no.” the old folks would say. “The blue is at the bottom, so that gets on his lips last.” Ol’ Blue Joe never did speak up about whether his mouth was really purple or blue, and he died of consumption the next spring.
MINNESOTA -6 vs. Houston
Interestingly enough, the coach for the Houston Texans is the former quarterbacks coach of none other than New England Patriots Future Hall of Famer Tom Brady. Bill O’Brien is the man’s name, and Brady used to tell stories about old Billy OB. “That shithead used to talk into my helmet!” he’d say, pointing at him on the sideline, or “Hey, that guy with the ass on his face! I used to see him in the hallway!” Tom is never one to forget the little people.
Tennessee +6.5 vs. MIAMI
One place that has never been kind to Tom Brady is Miami. One year they went down there, and he had to face torrential rains and hurricane winds. One strong gust blew poor Tom clear out of the stadium. He noticed a happening new nightclub down below and shouted “Hey! Let me off here, will ya?!” The storm obliged, and set him down right outside the hippest club in town, where he spent the night dancing with Miami’s most beautiful women and regaling them with tales of football glory. Unfortunately, not all stories have happy endings. Tom left his credit card at the club and had to go back the next morning with a pretty nasty hangover.
New England -10 vs. CLEVELAND
This is the actual game Tom Brady gets to play in, which is neat.
PITTSBURGH -7 vs. NY Jets
Back to Tom Brady. Pittsburgh and the Jets have been some of his fiercest opponents over the years. One year, sick of having to deal with the Patriots’ winning ways, the two teams decided to join forces to take Brady down once and for all. You see, the Jets wear all green, so what they did was they got down on all fours, real low to the field so they would blend into the grass. Once nobody could see them, the Steelers got on their backs and started riding them around like horsies. Tom Brady was facing a virtual cavalry of defenders! You would think playing 22 on 11 would have swung the odds in the Jets/Steelers favor, but being ridden like a horse can wear on a man’s psyche, and the entire Jets team ran off, Steelers still on their backs, into the dark Pittsburgh night. Neither team was ever heard from again.
Washington +3.5 vs. BALTIMORE
If there’s one player in the league that Tom Brady does not get along with, it’s a man down in Baltimore named Terrell Suggs. They weren’t always enemies. You see one time Tom Brady saved Terrell Suggs’ life. He saw Suggs, a rookie at the time, walking through a draft party, fresh off being selected in the first round. Brady, always observant, noticed that Suggs was in grave danger when nobody else did, so he sprung into action and shouted “Hey dipshit! Be careful you don’t trip over that fucking ham sack you call a bottom lip you fucking shitheel clown!” Shortly after this act of heroism, he and Suggs must have had some sort of falling out.
Philadelphia -3 vs. DETROIT
Detroit. Motor City. If you want to talk about guy who likes motors, look no further than Tom Brady. “Brrbbbrrrrrbbbrrrbbbrrrrr. That’s a boat.” He’ll say. Or “VEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWNNNNNVVVVVVEEEEWWW. Motorcycle.” Sometimes “Ddddddddddddddddd. Refrigerator.” He’s been known to do this for hours.
INDIANAPOLIS -4.5 vs. Chicago
Ahhh Indianapolis. The team some would say is responsible for Tom Brady having to miss four games this season. See, not many people know the whole story. When Ryan Grigson conspired with the NFL to have Tom Brady framed, he was expecting a different outcome to that game, and not the 45-7 disemboweling that transpired. Brady, not yet aware of the allegations to come, was reveling in the victory, and as he does after every playoff win, he texted the opposing GM 200 separate photos of his own penis violating various pieces of the losing team’s memorabilia. He even purchased some rare game worn, autographed Johnny Unitas apparel at auction so he could defile it and send the photographic evidence to Grigson himself. See, Brady didn’t destroy his cell phone to hide evidence of cheating. He destroyed it so that the ghost of Johnny U wouldn’t hunt him to the ends of the Earth, and drag him down to Football Hell, which is a lot like regular Hell only the devil is John Madden.
DENVER -6 vs. Atlanta
I’ve heard rumors that some people call Atlanta “HOTlanta” but I do know for a fact that Tom Brady calls Denver “COLDenver.” “It’s cold there.” he says. And buddy I’m of a mind to believe him.
LOS ANGELES -2.5 vs. Buffalo
Last time Tom Brady played an NFL game, Los Angeles didn’t even have a football team! How wild is that?! When he first saw this year’s schedules and saw Los Angeles, his face got very concerned, and he kept screaming “What year is this?! WHAT YEAR IS THIS?! I NEVER SHOULD HAVE LET CHEVY CHASE INTO MY HOT TUB! WHY DID I LET CHEVY CHASE INTO MY HOT TUB?!!” It was pretty scary for a minute there, but eventually somebody gave him a football and he settled down.
OAKLAND -3.5 vs. San Diego
Tom Brady’s first career-defining game was against the Oakland Raiders, back in the 2001 playoffs. Some folks call it the Snow Bowl, others the Tuck Rule Game, depending on their allegiances. Brady never referred to the game as either. He always remembered it as “The Plowman’s Gamble.” You see, in the parking lot before the big game, Brady bet a snow plow driver all the chaw he could fit in his pockets that the man couldn’t successfully plow all of the porto-john’s out of the parking lot in one straight line into the ravine across the highway. Much to Brady’s surprise, the man pulled it off. As Tom Brady was dejectedly filling this man’s pockets with chewing tobacco they heard muffled shouts coming from one of the chemical toilets at the bottom of this ravine. Turns out there was a small boy in there. The plowman ran down to rescue him, and was able to free the child before all the other toilets collapsed on top of him, killing him instantly. The boy scrambled back up to the highway, horribly poisoned by the chemicals in the john, and emitting an eerie green glow. Nobody thought he would survive, but the boy miraculously pulled through, and that boy grew up to be none other than former Delaware Senator and current Vice President Joe Biden. To this day, if you ask Brady about that game he’ll just look off into the distance, shake his head, and say “What a waste of good tobacco.”
Cincinnati PK vs. DALLAS
One of Tom Brady’s heroes is President John F. Kennedy, who was assassinated in the city of Dallas in the year of our lord nineteen hundred and sixty three. “I’ve always wanted to be shot in a limousine.” Brady is known to say, which is why his wife won’t let him ride in them.
GREEN BAY -7 vs. NY Giants
Oh the Giants. Tom Brady’s one true, confounding nemesis. Some say the reason Brady doesn’t play well against them is that every time they meet he’s expecting to play against real giants, and is flummoxed when they take the field the size of mortal men. Others say it’s because the blue in their helmets reminds him of his childhood hero’s lips and he doesn’t want to upset Ol’ Blue Joe. The real reason is far simpler actually. You see, Tom Brady runs a bike race for the mentally handicapped each summer. Nothing brings him more joy than seeing the happy looks on their faces. When he looks across the sideline at Eli Manning’s face, all he can think about is how much it would mean to that poor simple child to finally be the hero for a day.
CAROLINA vs. Tampa Bay OFF
There’s no line available for this game since Cam Newton’s brain may be scrambled and they can’t tell if he’ll be able to play. That’s just fine with Tom Brady, because Tom Brady hates lines. He won’t set foot in a bank, amusement park, post office, or airport. That is, unless he’s in England. You see, over there they call them queues, which he is evidently fine with.
LAST WEEK: 8-6-0
SEASON TOTAL: 30-32-0
