DICK PICKS- Divisional Playoffs

Welcome to another edition of DICK PICK: the only online NFL gambling column that has passed the NFL’s concussion protocol has passed the NFL’s concussion protocol hey who put this tent here what is this a circus campground or something haha who’s this asshole Dr. Brains or something I’m just fooling with you do you know where I parked?

The Wild Card round is behind us and now we get into the real playoffs. That may have been one of the worst rounds of playoff football I can remember, but to be honest I don’t remember many Wild Card rounds from years past so maybe they have been equally bad and that’s the whole point. I guess one great game could wipe the slate clean but if this week is as ugly as last there’s going to be some trouble. And by trouble I mean I’m going to continue writing mean things about the league online and complaining to my friends and then betting on whatever this shitass monopoly of old impotent pill-addicts puts in front of me. Some would say that makes me part of the problem, but I would argue that the real problem… is with society. Before you cast your stones at me, think about how those stones might cause me to get a brain injury which might cause me to think standing for our national anthem is a cultural imperative which would turn me into an amalgamation of everything that is wrong with this league and it would be ALL YOUR FAULT. I bet you feel like a real piece of shit right now. Well you should. I hope one of these days you grow the fuck up and we can put all of this behind us.

This weekend we have two rematches and two games between teams that have not met this season. That doesn’t offer any insight but that’s the kind of factoid that people who write about sports point out to eat up space and make the stupid assholes of the world go “wow two rematches and two new matchups that’s interesting!” It’s not interesting. You’re either stupid or you’re too deep in the edibles. Drink some water and eat some bread. I don’t know if that will help but if you’re high enough I bet you’ll think you’re a duck and then all you got is duck problems and those ain’t no big thing. ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 1-3-0. As always, home team is in caps.

Atlanta -3 vs. PHILADELPHIA

Atlanta is doing that thing they did last year where they save their defense for the playoffs and all of a sudden they become scary and nobody wants to play them. How will Nick Foles respond? Probably by hanging around in the pocket too long and getting croaked and separating his shoulder and then the Eagles will be stuck with *checks notes, falls over laughing, hits head on a Dorito that I dropped on the floor making said Dorito 100x harder to clean up* Nate Sudfeld.

In the event that Foles remains in the game for its entirety, do the Eagles really have a shot at winning this thing? Sure. They’re the home team and the Falcons offense has struggled against even the most mediocre defenses in the league this season, so there’s every chance I am completely wrong and they pull this one off and bag themselves another home playoff game. BUT… this is Philadelphia, and these fans have been prancing around all year like they’ve already won something. I’ve seen enough pro-wrestling and bird-centric documentaries to know that the first one strutting around acting like hot shit always gets fucked up while the other wrestler/bird comes away with the prize. What I’m saying is that after this game Matt Ryan is going to get to fuck a bird and everyone in Philadelphia is gonna be mad, not because of animal cruelty, but because their bird dicks are dry as hell.

I would also be remiss if I did not shout out my friend Adam who is a bird and ask him his opinion on this bird-ass game. He says: “cheep cheep tweet tweet give me your dirty bread I will eat it off of a dead man’s dick if I have to.” Wow slow down Adam. We still have three games to go.

NEW ENGLAND -13 vs. Tennessee

Big week of news coming out of New England. Tom Brady and Bill Belichick hate each other because a witch doctor told Tom that if he drinks enough water his bones will be made of jelly and he will be invulnerable to the Earth’s sun. Now, I am a Patriots fan but even I cannot deny the inherent comedy in the NFL’s greatest coach/QB combo being brought down by a bootleg Dr. Oz. As great as he is at football, Tom Brady must be a painfully stupid human being if he is entrusting his career, well-being, and finances to a man who would otherwise be on syndicated television asking fat housewives about their bowel movements and stuffing them full of birdseed. I am only choosing to believe that Brady has a head full of dust because fond memories of my youth are forcing me to give him the benefit of the doubt. The other explanation is that he is a shameless huckster who is actively trying to harm people with pseudo-science to pad his pockets and if we’ve learned anything from these past two years it’s that wealthy people are only looking out for our best interests and they wouldn’t be rich unless they cared deeply about the common man. I will be taking no questions at this time.

Jacksonville +7 vs. PITTSBURGH

Here I am, having watched the entirety of last week’s Buffalo/Jacksonville game, ready to put my money on Blake Bortles on the road. What happened? How did I get here? This is not my beautiful house. I don’t own a house. If I did it would likely be covered in trash and bottles of urine FOR RESEARCH PURPOSES ONLY. But what if… HEAR ME OUT. What if… maybe… defense? That’s the ticket! Defense! Shit that’s how Jacksonville beat them last time, and I understand that they won’t score 21 points on two defensive touchdowns and a garbage time breakaway run, but what my argument presupposes is that… they might? I don’t know. This isn’t just wishful thinking that Pittsburgh will lose, this is years of watching them play just good or bad enough to make the team they’re playing look competent on both sides of the ball. I don’t trust Pittsburgh to play a game that isn’t within four points for the rest of the season. I hate this game and it is rude that I am being forced to bet it.

Because this season has been depressing and awful things won’t stop happening in the world in general, part of me feels like we are setting ourselves up for a Jags/Titans AFC Championship game. It might sound delightful to anybody who is not a Pats or Steelers fan but I assure you this is not what you want. Nobody wants to see a movie where the villain dies in the second act and the heroes spend 45 minutes kicking the shit out of henchmen. If you hate the Pats or Steelers you want them to get dropped off a building or crushed by a truck or fed an oxygen tank that is subsequently shot with a rifle in the Super Bowl, not in this round. Nobody wants to sit through a Thursday Night game masquerading as the AFC Championship. Unless you’re a cop.

New Orleans +4.5 vs. MINNESOTA

Can Minnesota be the first team to play a home game in the Super Bowl? Wouldn’t that be a fun story?!! Hahaha NO! This is the NFL. Fun stories will die one after another until you no longer believe in Santa Claus or Spiderman or Benicio del Toro. Remember Deshaun Watson? Remember Carson Wentz? Remember Jerry Jones being forced to sell the Cowboys or Roger Goodell being forced out? Remember Belichick to the Giants? All of that shit was a lie. Case Keenum’s borderline MVP season? Probably a lie as well. You see, anything that seems fun or interesting in this league will eventually be swallowed by the grind of actual football and the brutal, ugly nature of the sport will only leave death in its wake. Minnesotans are used to this. Their dreams extend only to casseroles and being pretend nice to the right people so they end up in their will. I know Minnesotans. I’m friends with Minnesotans. They’re ready for this to fall to pieces, and for their team to sign the wrong quarterback in the offseason. They want the worst case scenario as much as they want the best case scenario, because as soon as you stop feeling bad about Minnesotans they become no more noble or sympathetic than Packer fans. To a Minnesotan there is nothing more valuable than suffering provided your suffering makes you better than everybody else around you. It’s why Scandinavians lose wars on purpose.

LAST WEEK: 1-3-0


Rich is a contributor for UnSceneComedy.com

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