Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that donates a portion of its proceeds to leftist rebels and wolf charities.
Last week was pretty wild for me. I started out like “OHHHH NOOOOO” but then I was like “HELLLL YEAAAHHH” but I was also very tired so at some point I was like “I’M VERY TIRED” and that was pretty much my whole Sunday.
Certain teams are still confounding the holy dang hell out of me, which I guess is normal after three weeks but specifically what the fuck is wrong with the Browns? Are you historically terrible or just middle of the road bad? Make up your fucking damn mind. The Cardinals too. Assholes! You were supposed to put the nail in Rex Ryan’s coffin and now he’s yukkin’ it up getting his second wind like you unbuckled his belt for him at Old Country Buffet. I don’t think I’ve ever been to an Old Country Buffet but what is so “Old Country” about it? Do they serve jello with pig’s feet in it because my grandfather was from the “old country” and that’s the weird shit he used to eat. Don’t go to that buffet. I mean, do what you want I guess but if you go, take me with you. I have always wanted to die in a place where people will step over my body for hours to go touch gravy with their bare hands.
This week’s games look like *checks list of things that are bad* ska music? Fine. Let’s get right into it. ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 10-6. As always, home teams are in caps.
Miami +7.5 vs. CINCINNATI
Aw what the fuck. How do I keep getting surprised by these fucking matchups? Also if this is a color rush game did they have to play a different game to decide which team got to wear retina-searing orange? Do the Bengals weave their orange jerseys out of Andy Dalton’s body hair? Do they have to mail it to China so small children can do it? Now I’m picturing a door opening and a gust of wind covering a small Chinese child in Andy Dalton’s pubes. Sometimes it’s the little things in life…
Indianapolis -2.5 vs. Jacksonville (LONDON)
Hell yes this game will already be over before I even wake up. THAT’S EFFICIENT AFC SOUTH SCHEDULING! London is going to fucking love Blake Bortles because he’s as bald and inbred as their King only he’s actually somewhat useful. Andrew Luck will also fit in well in England as the guy who lives under a bridge and snatches children.
WASHINGTON -7.5 vs. Cleveland
I don’t know why I’m not just taking the points here after Cleveland has fucked me over the past two weeks, but I’m not and I actually do know why and it’s because I have poor critical thinking skills. It’s shocking that they even let these two teams play each other. These franchises are so poorly run that I’m assuming they’ll each show up at the other team’s stadium and then accidentally burn the stadium down trying to microwave silverware.
Seattle -2.5 vs. NY JETS
Arizona fucked the world last week as a West Coast AM Cross Country Road Team so picking Seattle is ALSO a stupid idea but picking Ryan Fitzpatrick is ALSO ALSO a stupid idea after last week. It’s pretty incredible that Fitzmagic can throw six interceptions and nobody even considered throwing Geno Smith into the game or starting him this week. That would be like the president going into a coma and somebody immediately throwing some sunglasses on him while they lock Biden in a closet (NOT SO FARFETCHED!)
Carolina -3 vs. ATLANTA
WOW ATLANTA’S OFFENSE IS INCREDIBLE LOOK AT ALL THOSE POINTS WAIT WHO ARE THEY PLAYING oh haha whatever fuck you Kyle Shanahan.
CHICAGO +3 vs. Detroit
Hmm… Lions vs. Bears? Might as well be Dogs vs. Dogs because DOUBLE WOOF! *runs around giving a bunch of high fives but gets a little winded and doesn’t get to give out all the high fives because nobody wants to just give me a fucking minute and let me catch my breath and I’ll be right over, Jesus*
Tennessee +5 vs. HOUSTON
JJ Watt is probably done for the season because his back is injured and now he can’t chop wood so to keep showing people how tough and strong he is he’ll have to become the first woman president. All the best JJ!
Oakland +3 vs. BALTIMORE
I just explained why picking Seattle was a bad idea and ditto for Oakland BUT… WHAT IF… *throws brick through window, jumps out window, realizes window was priceless antique crystal that could have solved all my money problems* DRAT!
Bills vs. PATRIOTS OFF
There is no line for this game because the Patriots haven’t announced if Jimmy the Wop or Jacoby is starting but even if it’s neither of them, what the fuck do you even put this line at? Somewhere between Pats -6 and +6? I don’t even know what I would bet in that situation because Belichick has gotten into everybody’s head, even mine. And it’s a dark place. Full of shrimp and crucifixions.
Denver -3 vs. TAMPA BAY
Seven road teams already! What the fuck is WRONG with me? Whatever. Travis Semen seems pretty good. Also Jameis tried to fool us all in week one but now we know he’s still a fat rapist failure. Between the horrible clock management and the pump fake 10 yards past the line of scrimmage that entire sequence probably made Andy Reid cum and that’s pretty difficult if your name isn’t Betty Crocker.
SAN FRANCISCO +3 vs. Dallas
Am I picking the 49ers because I believe in Chip Kelly and Blaine Gabbert, and really think they can pull this one out after two embarrassing weeks? Or is it because I got sick of picking road teams? I will never, ever tell.
New Orleans +4.5 vs. SAN DIEGO
Well, New Orleans has to win a game at some point, right? Sure, they can’t stop anybody but sometimes Philip Rivers just falls down and hits his dick on the field and then the field gets pregnant and even though the sex wasn’t consensual the field can’t get an abortion because Rivers seeks an injunction and then things go all the way to the Supreme Court and by then the kid is already 4 years old and this game is long forgotten and we don’t even care who I picked so things just kind of end up working out.
ARIZONA -8 vs. Los Angeles
The Cardinals will show up this week looking like Super Bowl contenders because why the fuck wouldn’t they? Cardinals are a fucking stupid bird anyway. They don’t even eat human remains.
PITTSBURGH -5 vs. Kansas City
Andy Reid makes his way back to Pittsburgh which holds a special place in his heart because this is a man who won’t even eat pussy unless it’s covered in cole slaw and french fries.
MINNESOTA -4.5 vs. NY Giants
I don’t really feel like talking about these two teams so I would like to take the time to talk about outer space for a second. I think it’s fucked up that we just keep putting shit there. I understand that the entire concept of “space” is that it’s infinite and you can’t run out of it, but that’s my whole thing. Humans are stupid and they’re greedy and gluttonous. The reason we don’t constantly put things in our stomach is because our stomach gets full and we have to stop or we will throw up and have to go to a different bar. Same deal with the ocean once that garbage island becomes the whole ocean and we can walk to China across a bridge of syringes. See, with outer space, that never happens. So we’re just gonna keep putting shit up there until everything is up there. Then I’M gonna be in space, with all the other bullshit that we put up there. The fuck am I gonna do in space? Drive a rocket? Fuck that. Space is pretty much jail only you have to pee in a bag and nobody wants to watch you.
LAST WEEK: 10-6-0
SEASON TOTAL: 22-26-0