Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that Vladimir Putin will allow to survive the purge.
If I didn’t know any better (and trust me I do) I would think people have been reading my column and paying attention to my rants, because the big storyline of these first five weeks is that nobody is watching the awful trash puke sick bullshit Thursday/Sunday/Monday night games. Aside from Roger Goodell’s gross awful dick, John Harbaugh being a small cranky toddler, and the entire city of Cincinnati, the quality of these prime time games has been my biggest complaint for years. I’m really glad that people are finally sick of them. I know the NFL is banking on the election being the issue and that going away, but aren’t people going to realize that they don’t miss watching these fucking games? Even when my team plays in one of these, especially Thursday and Monday, it’s about as pleasant an experience as waiting at the fucking airport. I understand the Sunday and Monday night games are here to stay, and that’s fine. But for fuck’s sake get rid of Thursdays or so help me god I will only watch them when my team plays and I won’t be all that excited about it. Anyway, ON TO THE PICKS. Last week’s picks went 7-5-1. As always, home team is in caps.
SAN DIEGO +3 vs. Denver
Since this is a garbage Thursday game, expect the unexpected, and that unexpected is San Diego holding a lead in the fourth quarter and winning a game. Or maybe Philip Rivers using a condom. I bet he doesn’t know what they’re really for and buys a handful at every gas station bathroom to keep his awful kids quiet on road trips. Also I bet Gary Kubiak got sick from putting change in his mouth.
NEW ENGLAND -9 vs. Cincinnati
DID YOU GUYS SEE TOM BRADY??? He did a good job and now he is playing against the Bengals and I expect him to do another good job. The Simpsons did a Boston episode where they talked about the city being bad and loosely made fun of Tom Brady and the Patriots. Even if you hate Boston, at least it’s notable enough for that episode to work on a national level. If the Simpsons tried to make a Cincinnati episode you’d have nothing to fill the 20 minutes after Charles Manson and Steven Spielberg kill that gorilla.
NEW ORLEANS +3 vs. Carolina
Let’s watch the Panthers collapse! Cam Newton and Drew Brees like to let everybody know that All Lives Matter. Something tells me throwing a head shot at one of these QBs is going to draw an immediate flag, while if you crack the other guy’s skull the ref is gonna take a minute to think about it. You would think they would go out of their way to protect the guy with two consecutive concussions, but don’t mention that to Cam. He’ll just say “Shoes go on last.” and then shuffle off to the bust stop.
Pittsburgh -7.5 vs. MIAMI
Jesus the Dolphins are terrible. Ryan Tannehill has turned into what I always thought Andy Dalton was going to be. At least as a quarterback. I kind of always thought Andy Dalton would turn into one of those fat ginger cats that sits on a porch and looks mean and is always covered in that shit that falls out of trees because it’s too lazy to move out of the way when they’re falling and even if the things miss him he just rolls in them when he’s trying to get up anyway. Tannehill hasn’t become one of those yet, but he still sucks.
Jacksonville +3 vs. CHICAGO
Blake Bortles is quickly turning into Brian Hoyer but only because of how super bald he’s getting. Otherwise they don’t have so much in common. It also looks like Jay Cutler is done in Chicago, and potentially in the NFL because at this point who is going to want him? He’s going to be like 34 years old and he’s going to have polio from his gross kids. Maybe he has polio now and that’s why his thumb doesn’t work. Or maybe he just slammed it in a drawer so he could eat ice cream and drink beer on the couch instead of having to listen to John Fox. Either way, RIP Jay Cutler the NFL and my gambling account will be poorer without you.
San Francisco +8 vs. BUFFALO
Colin Kaepernick is back and he’s out for Whitey’s blood. There are few towns in the NFL whiter than Buffalo so we’re going to see a lot of dead white people on Sunday. And I say it’s about time!
NY GIANTS -3 vs. Baltimore
Los Angeles +3 vs. DETROIT
With the election coming up, I think it’s important for me to reiterate my strong political opinions. DICK PICKS doesn’t usually endorse a candidate since I’m pretty sure I haven’t been writing this column during any election years, but this year I would like to throw my support behind RoboCop But With A Human Dick. We’ve known for a long time that I am a huge supporter of robots with human dicks, and I think with our country more divided than ever, this is the one issue and the one candidate that can really galvanize us, like the galvanized armor reflecting their human dicks like a perverted fun house mirror. We don’t believe in much around here at DICK PICKS, but we do believe that all robots should have the benefit of possessing functioning and impressive human dicks. If we can get one of these human-dicked robots into the White House, and if that human-dicked robot is a just yet unstoppable killing machine, then that is a step in the right direction. Consider a vote for RoboCop But With A Human Dick 2016.
Cleveland +7 vs. TENNESSEE
I mean, both of these teams are kind of bad. Cleveland might be bad enough to go 0-16, but Tennessee is also playing at home where they suck incredibly badly because all of their fans wish they were watching like a *looks up popular country music person* Garth Brooks concert. The Titans are pretty much the Chris Gaines of the NFL. Everyone shows up hoping to see Garth Brooks and then they’re all like “FUCK YOU” when Garth Brooks isn’t there.
Philadelphia -2.5 vs. WASHINGTON
The NFC East is in the perfect position of mediocrity to get flexed into a bunch of Sunday night games late in the season because the division is full of hopeless frauds who are just mediocre enough to keep nipping at each other’s heels all season. “These games matter!” people will say. But we all know they don’t. Nothing matters. None of these cities even matter and they will be swallowed by the sea in a decade’s time. Except for Dallas. Dallas will probably be swallowed by sand worms or feral cattle seeking revenge for centuries of abuse.
Kansas City +1 vs. OAKLAND
I’m not sure how much luck the Raiders have left in them, but this could easily be a 1-4 team right now. Speaking of luck, Nevada just voted in favor of stealing money from their citizens in order to steal the Raiders from Oakland and stick them in Las Vegas. Some people have been walking around protesting, and I saw one sign with a Raiders logo with one of those circle/backslash Ghostbuster things going through it. Andy Reid can sympathize, because Las Vegas has been putting similar signs with his picture around their buffets for decades.
SEATTLE -6.5 vs. Atlanta
No no no no. I am still not convinced that Atlanta is good or that Matt Ryan is good or that this whole thing isn’t just a big prank that everybody is playing on Julio Jones before someone yells “SIKE!” and jumps out of a bush to hit is foot with a hammer.
GREEN BAY -4.5 vs. Dallas
Mike McCarthy is mad because people keep asking him why Green Bay’s offense isn’t that good because on paper it looks like it should easily be one of the best in the league. Well, one time Mike McCarthy sent away for some dinosaurs that are supposed to get bigger when you put them in water, and on paper it looked like a great investment, but then by the time he took them out of the water they weren’t nearly big enough to guard his eggs against intruders. So you see, sometimes paper is a liar.
HOUSTON -3 vs. Indianapolis
Jesus hell. THIS is the Sunday night game? I guess if you wanted to drive up ratings you could always throw these two teams out there and measure viewers by mass instead.
ARIZONA -7.5 vs. NY Jets
Todd Bowles is going up against his old team and Ryan Fitzpatrick might finally throw enough interceptions that Brandon Marshall punches him out on national television. If he breaks Fitzmagic’s jaw it’s going to be real awkward to have to explain to Geno Smith why he still doesn’t get to play. “Well you see Geno, he has all that extra beard protection. When your jaw was broken, we had to be extra cautious because you’re our quarterback of the fut- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA sorry. Sorry I just heard how I sounded saying that. You think it’s going to sound normal but then you say it out loud and oh my god. Seriously. You try. Try to say it. It’s hilarious.”
LAST WEEK: 7-5-1
SEASON TOTAL: 37-37-1