Dick Picks: Week 1

Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS!- the only online NFL gambling column that is and always has been EXACTLY like Game of Thrones.


Finally after several long months of trying to figure out which psychopath is going to rule us for the next several years and once again continuing America’s loveless marriage with baseball, the NFL is back to kick your outside junk back up into your inside (or vice versa for the ladies but it is the same style of kick regardless.)

When we left off last year, Denver and Carolina were playing a very bad Super Bowl where every play sucked except for like two of them. Denver won, which is great because Peyton Manning got to shill for Budweiser like a true American and literally kiss Papa John on the goddamned face. I don’t understand why this hasn’t become Peyton Manning’s entire legacy. This is worse than Brady deflating footballs, worse than Pete Rose betting on games, worse than Dale Earnhardt crashing his car so he didn’t have to watch his kid grow up to be a disappointment. And before you overreact, this is not about homosexuality. It is about noted Kentucky Land Baron Papa John who would rather watch his employees die digging his moat than pay for their kids to get vaccinated even being ALLOWED onto the field, let alone getting a big wet smooch from the guy who did *barely* enough for his team to WIN THE GODDAMNED SUPER BOWL. The only time one of the biggest moments of your career should involve Papa John is if you get shot holding up a Papa John’s.

Elsewhere in the off-season, we had a disgusting injury to a marginally important player, a bunch of coaching turnover, some key players changing uniforms, and many suspect suspensions for offenses varying from being a big meanie to Roger Goodell (four games) to assaulting and then stalking your wife over a period of months (one game.) All of this and more will be covered below. ON TO THE PICKS! As always the home team is in caps.

DENVER +3.5 vs. Carolina

And we kick off the season with the least anticipated Super Bowl rematch of my lifetime. Anybody who watched these two teams in February is probably thinking they’re just having a do-over since everybody got sick and presumably died before finishing their last game. Denver’s new QB is a guy whose last name isn’t Semen but it’s pretty close to Semen so guess what guy? You’ve got a hot new nickname. Bet you thought those days would be over when you became a big shot quarterback didn’t you? No dice kemosabe. If your name looks like a word that is gross then I’m gonna replace your name with that word and there ain’t shit you can do about it because I pay my taxes and I’ve never had a DUI.

Carolina is boring and I’m sick of them already so I’m taking the points because fuck this game for real. How do you make Cam Newton boring? Well you treat him like a fucking Black Panther (no puns you guys) for a year and force him to react as if when he’s done quarterbacking for you he’s gonna soft-shoe for your adopted orphan. White people man… FUCK.

Tampa Bay +2.5 vs. ATLANTA

Oh my god I don’t give a shit about either of these teams why can’t the NFC South just disappear? You know what Abraham Lincoln would do? He’d send some guys down there to raze these stadiums, slaughter their occupants, and salt the earth so that no stadium could ever grow there again. And he was the greatest American ever according to Steven Spielberg who thinks the other greatest American ever was a British horse. It’s actually an American horse (RIP Barbaro we will always remember your strength and compassion.)

TENNESSEE TITANS +1 vs. Minnesota Vikings

I am picking against the Vikings on principle just because they traded first and fourth round picks for Sam Bradford. The Patriots had a first and a fourth taken away for pissing in Roger Goodell’s soup and I 100% believe they got a better deal than Minnesota. Philadelphia traded two first round picks so they could have a quarterback who was not Sam Bradford. My theory is that Teddy Bridgewater’s leg flew off and lodged itself in Rick Spielman’s brain, mentally transporting him back to 2010 so now the only things he can do are talk about how much Bradford is going to help his team and bitch about Avatar not winning best picture.

PHILADELPHIA -4 vs. Cleveland

And now we get to the team that robbed Minnesota in that trade, the Philadelphia Eagles. Interestingly enough, Cleveland owns Philly’s original first rounder which was traded so they could draft *checks notes* Carson Wentz? Who the fuck is that??? *Googles Carson Wentz* Ahahahahahahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Ahahaha. Haha. This guy (or probably his agent) wrote an article bragging about how tough he was because he liked playing in the cold in North Dakota even though his team played its home games in a fucking dome. He also played college competition that probably couldn’t beat most Texas high schools. Holy shit this fucking guy. I can’t wait until he hits his fingers on a helmet in December and runs to the sideline like he just groped a live grenade. Luckily his first start is against the Browns, a level of competition he should be very comfortable against.

Cincinnati -2.5 vs. NY JETS

Every year I start writing this column and I forget how much I absolutely loathe 90% of the teams in this league and the cities they represent. No NFL city is less essential than Cincinnati, and no NFL franchise is less essential than the Jets. The only redeeming quality the Bengals have is that their mere existence is designed to bankrupt and destroy the city of Cincinnati itself. The only redeeming quality the Jets have is that I guess their uniforms are a cool color? Here you have a city most famous for a dead gorilla and a franchise most famous for one game that happened before anybody was even alive, yet they are both allowed to continue wasting everybody’s time. You could currently run for president on a platform of eliminating the Jets and the entire city of Cincinnati and all MSNBC or CNN or Fox News could say is “IT’S ABOUT FUCKING TIME.”

Oakland PK vs. NEW ORLEANS

Oh-ho-ho Vegas you sly fucking dogs. You’re trying to get people to bet on the Saints’ recent reputation over Oakland’s recent reputation and I AM NOT FUCKING BUYING WHAT YOU ARE SELLING. I’m high on Oakland this year and I’m also high on speed so to make this brief I do not believe an even older Drew Brees and a handful of fucking dorks are going to suddenly turn this sinking ship around. Khalil Mack will be blowing past the Saints o-line and moving into Drew Brees’ guest house this Sunday.

San Diego +7.5 vs. KANSAS CITY

Fuck you I’m not laying more than a touchdown on Alex Smith and Andy Reid in week one fuck you. *Andy Reid sees the word “lay” and can’t stop thinking about potato chips so he drools on his playsheet and smudges the part that has 19 different wide receiver screens*

Buffalo +3 vs. BALTIMORE

Buffalo has a lot of their players suspended at the moment because they’re trying to follow the Ravens’ model of being a bunch of pricks with a persecution complex and I think they will also follow the Ravens model of going on the road and winning a game that everybody wishes was never broadcast in the first place. Also every day I hope that John Harbaugh falls ass first onto a rake.

Chicago +7 vs. HOUSTON

Goddammit. There’s nothing I enjoy more as a red-blooded American than betting my hard-earned money against Jay “I Got My Diabetes from Tongue Depressors” Cutler. But this line is high. Brock Osweiler might be a very bad quarterback. Bill O’Brien might be a very bad coach. Brock is also probably upset that when you Google “Brock” his name comes up third after a rapist and a guy who is not a rapist but certainly looks like he’s capable of it and has a giant dick tattooed on his chest. Man, I would really really like to bet against Jay Cutler, but sometimes you have to sit back and take your medicine. *takes medicine, gets really into airplanes*

Green Bay -5 vs. JACKSONVILLE

Here’s a game I want to see. 60 minutes of guys chucking the ball downfield and just hoping their idiot coaches don’t make a terrible call to lose the game for them. Every play in this game should be a Hail Mary. I want to see 14 passing touchdowns and 8 interceptions BY THE HALF. I want to see Mike McCarthy kidnapped on every 4th down or PAT. I want to see Gus Bradley (THE MAN’S NAME IS GUS!) console an opposing player like a tiny Spanish soccer child. I want to see somebody make Dom Capers play Madden for 10 minutes to help him understand why blitzing on every play is a bad idea. This is a game I am actually excited for that I know without a doubt will not be televised because Jacksonville is a literal 900 square mile collection of swamps and garbage dumps that people pretend is a city. Their “city” has more alligators and raccoons than people because nobody wants to live there except me, and even I would be too busy hanging out with the alligators and raccoons to give a fuck about the Jaguars.

SEATTLE -11.5 vs. Miami

Hmm… Adam Gase’s last two games as a coordinator against the Seahawks: 43-8 Seattle in the Super Bowl. 26-0 Seattle last year vs. Chicago where the Bears pulled off the incredible feat of punting on TEN OUT OF TEN possessions. Sure, the QB in that Chicago game was Jimmy Clausen, but I think that’s off-set by the Super Bowl being played against the greatest offense ever to play the game. With Cutler in there the score probably shoots up to 40 because you’d have to replace two of those punts with pick sixes. Needless to say, I don’t envision Ryan Tannehill finally being the piece Gase needs to break through against this defense. Now, if Ndamukong Suh stomps on Russell Wilson’s dick that might change things, but he’d probably just play better because he wouldn’t be so worried about having to go home and fake an excuse to not have sex with his wife.

DALLAS PK vs. NY Giants

It’s too early for me to be talking about the NFC East. Nobody wants to hear anybody talk about this bullshit division, so let me just say this: Fuck Josh Brown, fuck John Mara, and fuck Roger Goodell. Even if you only want to pretend to take a hard line on domestic violence HERE IS YOUR CHANCE. THE MAN IS A FUCKING KICKER. Boot him off your fucking team or out of the fucking league if you mean business NOBODY WILL CARE BUT YOU WILL LOOK LIKE YOU STILL DO YOU FUCKING WORTHLESS PRION-BRAINED BAGS OF MEDICAL WASTE. It could have been that easy, but now you are transparently delivering the message that the NFL did not want to take a hard line on domestic violence, they just wanted to wiggle their dicks at the players and make them bend the fucking knee. Fuck you Roger we all know where I stand with you, you fucking gutless coward. Fuck you especially John Mara I hope your dad comes back to life and then dies again because at least when he died people seemed to give a shit. Anyway…

INDIANAPOLIS -3.5 vs. Detroit

Jim Caldwell gets to go back to Indianapolis and relive all the glory of standing in a familiar building with his arms crossed looking like he has locked-in syndrome while his team tries to ask a guy named Jim Bob Cooter what the hell they’re supposed to do.

ARIZONA -6 vs. New England

I do not think Jimmy Garoppolo is very good and I think this game could get out of hand, but I also think New England has an underrated defense that will keep it to 7-10 points at the most. One of these teams is going to turn the ball over upwards of one hundred times, and if that’s Arizona the Pats will be close but could still actually lose. If it’s New England then Jimmy G can take a fucking gondola back to New England for all I care, which he was probably going to do anyway because you’re only allowed to bring 3.4 ounces of marinara sauce on an airplane at a time. “Mangia mangia!” he’ll cry, as the TSA dumps his usual 16 jars in the trash.

Pittsburgh -3 vs. WASHINGTON

I think Pittsburgh has most of their team suspended for smoking weed and the Washington Minstrel Shows have Josh Norman now to fistfight Antonio Brown, so I thought about picking against the Steelers here. However, this is Washington and any time this team has even the faintest of hope or the tiniest of expectations you can be sure that they will take turns stepping on each others’ dicks while Dan Snyder holds local radio personalities at gunpoint and makes them pretend he’s doing a really good job. Also Jay Gruden is still this team’s coach and I’m 90% positive he can’t even read.

SAN FRANCISCO +2.5 vs. Los Angeles

Chip Kelly is going to trick you. Do not be fooled when they win this game, it is all a trick. His schemes don’t work and his personnel is horrendous. It’s all an illusion. He is coaching against Jeff Fisher. This is all an illusion and it has no bearing on the future. Please do not be fooled. *Sees a bunch of CHIP KELLY IS BACK headlines on Tuesday* Oh goddammit.


Rich is a contributor for UnSceneComedy.com

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