Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that can double as an autopsy report.
Week one was pretty wild, right everybody??? It had everything! Offense, defense, touchdowns, referees…THE WHOLE SHEBANG! Now that the shine has worn off, it looks like this week’s schedule offers a whole lot of bullshit. Especially since we might not have as many good teams in this league as we thought. It was only one week, but what the fuck is wrong with the NFC? Is it possible that Seattle actually sucks? Arizona? Green Bay? Carolina? None of the four covered the spread. Two lost outright. And they all played teams in the AFC! The AFC sucks! The two best teams in the AFC had quarterbacks who haven’t started a real football game in years, and they each beat a team from last year’s NFC Championship game. Green Bay and Seattle had to struggle to hang on against teams from FLORIDA. We were close to having three undefeated Florida football teams that are not in any way affiliated with an institute of higher learning. If the NFC doesn’t get its shit together and I have to watch the fucking Giants in the fucking Super Bowl I am going to lose my shit. UGHHHH let’s just get to the picks before I get a nosebleed. Last week’s picks went 7-9-0. As always, home team is in caps.
BUFFALO -1 vs. NY Jets
Did you guys know that the fat guy used to coach the green team and now he doesn’t anymore because he is currently coaching the blue and red team but not the blue and red team that keeps winning the division and making both of these teams irrelevant? I didn’t either until just now.
DETROIT -6 vs. Tennessee
Tennessee is the most boring fucking team in the league. I can’t even think of anything to keep shitting on this team about because they are so bland and unexciting. Marcus Mariota doesn’t even do cool shit anymore. He’s just a fucking dork. I miss the days when Kenny Britt was getting arrested and tearing his ACLs. Detroit is boring too but their quarterback is fat so that’s cool I guess. Pretty wild that the fat quarterback and the Hawaiian quarterback are two different people.
Kansas City +2.5 vs. HOUSTON
Who comes out on top in the battle of America’s two fattest cities? I would make a joke about Andy Reid “tipping the scales” in Kansas City’s favor but Andy Reid never tips. He doesn’t have to because he counts as a party of six so it’s built into the check.
Miami +6.5 vs. NEW ENGLAND
Great game by Jimmy Garoppabagool. It will be a shame when he can’t remember it because Ndamukong Suh has punched through New England’s papier-mache o-line and squeezes the brains out of his head like it’s a giant ravioli (it is.)
Baltimore -6.5 vs. CLEVELAND
Baltimore’s offense looks really shitty and their defense looks good. Cleveland looks awful on both sides of the ball and they’re already on their second quarterback of the season. If I traveled back in time to 2000 and read those sentences out loud everyone would say “Yeah we already knew that, now go stop 9/11.”
Cincinnati +3.5 vs. PITTSBURGH
Hmmm… going with a lot of road teams. That always inspires confidence. Especially when one of them is quarterbacked by anthropomorphic dog dick Andy Dalton. Whatever. This division is fucking stupid because these teams always win division games on the road instead of at home where they’re supposed to because they have been poisoned by coal dust, chili, heroin, sadness, or some combination thereof. I’d say it was the thrill of being outside of their own awful shithole city but going from Cincinnati to Pittsburgh is like going from prison to a slightly fatter prison.
WASHINGTON -3 vs. Dallas
Fuck this stupid garbage division and fuck Dez Bryant for only catching one pass and fucking up my fantasy team. Also fuck Dan Snyder but we all knew that already.
New Orleans +4.5 vs. NY GIANTS
The Giants have their wife-beating kicker back this week but I’m sure everyone will keep really quiet about it as long as he stands up during the national anthem. I would get extreme enjoyment out of the Saints laying a beating on the Giants, and maybe on a kickoff return Josh Brown gets leveled and his lung collapses and then maybe his cleat flies up into the owners’ box and stabs John Mara in the eye and then Goodell runs over to help but he trips and falls into a tub of ice water and he happens to be holding a toaster oven at the time and is horribly electrocuted. That would be neat.
CAROLINA -13.5 vs. San Francisco
Okay so Cam Newton’s brain might be soup right now, but I called out the Chip Kelly mirage last week. 28-0 week one win? Sounds pretty impressive, right? NO YOU’RE WRONG I KNOW THE GAME WAS ON LATE BUT YOU’RE FUCKING WRONG. Chip Kelly is a liar. He lies to us with football which is in the top three worst ways to lie to a person. Carolina needs to pull back the curtain on this motherfucker and I just hope he’s not jerking-off back there.
ARIZONA -6.5 vs. Tampa Bay
There’s no way this defense loses to an Italian and a rapist in back to back weeks at home. If that happens they need to pack it up and move back to St. Louis where they can be properly ignored.
Seattle -6.5 vs. LOS ANGELES
Okay, if it wasn’t for Todd Gurley I would be pretty convinced that the Rams wouldn’t score any touchdowns this season not even once not even by accident. I don’t think they’ll score one this week, but I’m a little worried about Seattle being able to score after last week as well. What the fuck was that all about? Russell Wilson never should have fucked. Everything goes to hell after the first time you fuck.
Indianapolis +6.5 vs. DENVER
I hope someday Travis Semen goes to the Colts and people make half-Broncos/half-Colts shirts with his name and number on them. Andrew Luck could probably be killed in this game, but I have a feeling that because he’s a polite young white kid the refs will treat him a little more cautiously than they treated Cam because if he dies on the field people might start getting serious about this brain injury issue.
OAKLAND -5.5 vs. Atlanta
Jack Del Rio made me a nice chunk of money by going for two to beat the Saints so I’m putting my faith in him again this week. Oh also Atlanta looks like they suck and all of a sudden the ceiling of Matt Ryan’s legacy is looking far closer to Boomer Esiason than Tom Brady. At some point people have to start reconsidering the whole “It’s not Matt Ryan’s fault…” thing because I would posit that it may, in fact, be precisely his fault. Where’s your American Jesus now Matty Ice?
Jacksonville +3 vs. SAN DIEGO
Hahahahahahahahahahaha Chargers Hahahahahahahahahahaha Jesus Christ Hahahahahahahahahaha What the fuck Hahahahahahahahaha Alex Smith??!! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Philip Rivers you quiverfull-assed motherfucker. I hope your kids learn about sex from TV.
MINNESOTA +2 vs. Green Bay
Everybody is betting Green Bay in this game which worries me because everybody is always really stupid. I don’t know who the hell is going to play quarterback for the Vikings but I’m fine with betting against Mike McCarthy because he always looks like a fat toddler on the first day of pre-school.
Philadelphia +3 vs. CHICAGO
If I ever decide to not bet against Jay Cutler again please don’t let me not do that.