Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that is exactly like Star Wars in that it keeps getting worse and making everybody mad.
I FINALLY HAD A WINNING WEEK! Not that it was all that impressive. I only picked up three games on the roughly 700 that I am below .500 this season. But this is about moral victories, like finishing a marathon even when your time is bad, or spitting on the cop who is arresting you.
The way this season is shaping up, we could be looking at three teams finishing 16-0 because a few teams look really good and everyone else sucks hard dick (and no Denver is not going to be one of them because Peyton Manning is butt and when he throws the football it looks like he’s throwing it with his butt.) Cincinnati, Green Bay, and New England are rolling through their schedules, with the last two winning despite playing PRETTY NOT GOOD on Sunday. Carolina is also undefeated but they have to play Green Bay so womp womp motherfuckers.
Will any of these teams actually finish undefeated? No, because they’re all not super great either and the Pats will lose at least one game to the Jets and Green Bay will play like shit on the road one or two times and Andy Dalton’s clock will strike midnight and he’ll turn back into a big fucking idiot pumpkin.
BUT IT’S FUN TO SPECULATE WHILE IT LASTS!!! If all three teams go undefeated and two of them make it to the Super Bowl I hope Mercury Morris smashes a champagne bottle over Don Shula’s head.
Elsewhere in the NFL everybody sucks and is bad, but differing degrees of bad! None of them are particularly interesting to talk about except for the Ravens because HAHAHAHA John Harbaugh you lousy baby I’m glad Terrell Suggs lost his Achilles tendon and now your team is puke. Go sit on a fucking railroad spike.
Anyway… ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 8-5-1. As always, home team is in caps.
Seattle -6.5 vs. SAN FRANCISCO
Is Seattle going to win a fucking game? Is this team good? They’re probably not good. But you know who’s really not good? San Francisco. That’s the type of hard-hitting analysis these fucking garbage Thursday night games deserve. Why do these teams play each other on a Thursday every year? The score is always 10-6 and everybody gets mad and wishes they watched something else. The NFL is fucking stupid. The only games on Thursdays should be NFC East matchups because then the NFL gets its wish of having their precious babies in prime time and everyone not in those markets can feel free to ignore the shit out of them.
Buffalo -6 vs. Jacksonville (London)
Oy guvna, wut’s all this then? These blokes keep frowing it to the ovva team innit?
ST. LOUIS -5.5 vs. Cleveland
The Josh McCown revival tour stops here when the Rams defensive line stomps him out like a turf fire. I personally think St. Louis and Cleveland should merge into one city and name it anything but St. Louis or Cleveland so they can hope the rebrand tricks people into thinking they aren’t the depressing black holes of human despair that they really are. I know they’re not that close to each other, but maybe they can connect a couple of cans on a string from one City Hall to another so they can discuss plans on what to do when their cops shoot another kid.
KANSAS CITY vs. Pittsburgh OFF
No line on this game due to Ben thinking he might be able to play since his brain is too dumb to realize that his team is doing fine without him and he should rest because they’re playing the most offensively inept team since most of the Bears teams of the past several decades. I’ll probably be taking Pittsburgh here regardless.
Andy Reid said he would not give up play-calling duties this week and I’m not sure why because while someone else is out there saying “bubble screen” or “tight end wheel” he can be off looking for cake somewhere.
MIAMI -4 vs. Houston
THE DOLPHINS ARE BACK BABY! ALL THEY NEEDED WAS A HARD-NOSED, MEDICAL EMERGENCY-INGNORING, OKLAHOMA DRILL-RUNNING, ILLITERATE ASSHOLE TO GET THEM TO REALIZE THEIR POTENTIAL! I swear Dan Campbell won this team’s loyalty by shotgunning beers after biting through the can. I guarantee his ring-tone is a song about trucks or a song that he heard on a commercial for trucks.
NY Jets +8.5 vs. NEW ENGLAND
I’m aware that the Jets haven’t played anybody, but this line is just too high. The Pats are down to like their eighth starting offensive tackle and this defense is scary as hell. I genuinely fear for Tom Brady’s well-being. Also, how about Edelman’s finger? Fucking gross. I dislocated my finger like that in high school once and my coach just pulled on it to get it back in place and I yelped and fell on the ground like a real big wuss. I did not catch any passes after this incident.
DETROIT +3 vs. Minnesota
Okay, I still don’t like Detroit, but I think Minnesota is actually pretty bad too and when two bad teams meet and I don’t know what the hell is going to happen I might as well take a home underdog if I have the opportunity. Stafford finally looked not so atrocious last week against a Chicago defense that tends to do that to quarterbacks, and Teddy Bridgewater has shown me nothing this year other than what it would look like if a very malnourished child tried to throw a football great distances. I am comfortable with this pick and will be very annoyed when Detroit loses this game by 35 points.
TENNESSEE vs. Atlanta OFF
This is another line that’s off because of dumb quarterback issues when I was clearly going to take Atlanta anyway. I mean Jesus Christ Vegas, I am TRYING TO GIVE YOU MY MONEY!!!
WASHINGTON -3 vs. Tampa Bay
Hey! It’s the most loathesome QB in the NFL vs. the most loathesome franchise in the NFL! I wish Dan Snyder had gotten the chance to draft Jameis so that I could watch him become enveloped by the cloud of despair that surrounds this team and bear witness to his soul shriveling and his body decaying in that Indian burial ground of a franchise. It’s not as fun watching it happen to Bobby Griffiths Jr. because as far as I’m aware he has never raped anybody, although if he had Dan Snyder would probably just trot out some actresses pretending to be rape victims to say that they do not have a problem with it. I wish we could give Dan Snyder smallpox.
INDIANAPOLIS -4 vs. New Orleans
So much for Chuckstrong. Apparently there is a shelf-life on cancer pity and the easiest way to reach it is to completely piss your pants on national TV against a “rival” that has been beating the fuck out of you since you got the job. Not only did Indy fuck up that fourth down swinging gate play, but they lined up wrong to boot. I coached Pop Warner football and we ran this play a ton, and even a group of relatively stupid 11-13 year olds never lined up wrong once. This makes the Colts dumber than a bunch of dumb prepubescent kids who don’t even know what sex is yet. I bet Andrew Luck thinks that sex is when you pee on a girls leg, and he probably thinks Pagano is just standing there masturbating on the sideline during every Patriots game.
SAN DIEGO -4 vs. Oakland
Fuck off West Coast.
NY GIANTS -3.5 vs. Dallas
Fuck off NFC East
CAROLINA -3 vs. Philadelphia
Now we get to ask if Carolina is good. And nobody knows because Cam Newton is their only good player on offense and the rest of the guys around him are pretty much ice sculptures that come alive during the fourth quarter because of some weird Ron Rivera Santeria.
We can be pretty sure that Philly isn’t good, but 8-8 will get you an NFC East title this year and the opportunity to lose to Seattle or Atlanta at home in the playoffs. Unless of course you’re the Giants in which case you’ll win another damn Super Bowl because the Giants are a pain in the fucking ass.
ARIZONA -8.5 vs. Baltimore
And we end this week’s column with some more schadenfreude! Baltimore has played six one-score games this season, and lost five of them, which is wonderful. Mainly because losing one score games can generally be attributed to coaching, and anytime John Harbaugh is making an ass out of himself I can’t contain my glee. It’s especially great because this year it extends to the sidelines as well, which is usually the one place that he doesn’t seem like a completely incompetent fuckhead. I want this team to get the number one pick, try desperately to unload Joe Flacco, be unable to do it which causes him to turn against the franchise AND lose all confidence, then draft a defensive tackle who eats himself out of the league within two years. Is that too much to ask? Fine, then how about just more torn ligaments for Terrell Suggs? I hope he tears whatever ligament is the one that hold’s his gross lips on.