Totally Stranded Diary by Sam Ike



Day 1

Help will come soon, just have to be patient. Island is warm. Glad I packed sunglasses, Larry is so fucked. Felt scared at first then became overwhelmed with boredom. Took a long time to crack my first coconut but I did it!



Day 2

I learned how to make a fire from sticks! Quite tedious but useful. Everyone keeps asking the captain why we went down. He explains but yet everyone draws their own conclusion. There is enough food and we can probably fish. I wish I knew what time it was because I don’t trust that Kerry really knows how a sun dial works. I don’t know what it is either but I’m pretty sure it’s not staring at the sun for a while.



Day 3

Alliances are being made. Not in the sense of who will lead but just more of who you like. Starting to run out of food. Fishing is even more boring than making fire. Coconuts do not taste like they do in stores.



Day 4 

Denise is showing off that’s she’s a doctor and it’s like “ok we get it, if we need to thin the herd we can’t kill you whatever”. It’s like you don’t see the pilot bragging about getting us all to land safely. Granted, he can’t because he’s dead but that’s sooooo beyond the point.



Day 5:

Trying to send messages but every time we write in the sand we have a debate on what the appropriate language is to call for help. I’ve never seen the ocean so blue.



Day 6:

Spent most of the day trying to build a stronger fort. It was nice because I got to boss Denise around. We saw a native of the land. They were pretty useless. All they kept doing was waving their arms, speaking in tongues while capturing and eating a scorpion. I know it sounds cool but it’s kind of dull in person.



Day 7:




Day 8:

Dean suggested we consider an orgy in case we die on the island. No one has the heart to tell him that we started on Day 3



Day 9:

The idea of eating people came up again. Some are appalled but most of us responded with “eh”.  We’ve been on this island too long. We want to eat the fat guy but he’s too damn lovable and hilarious. I’d eat Denise is a second but I get it “she’s too valuable”. God I wish I went to Med School just so I could eat people.



Day 10:

The last coconut was taken from the tree. We decided to eat people. It was a very quick turnaround.



Day 11:

People taste weird. Kind of like steak but not nearly as good but way better than pork. Denise didn’t eat any and now she feels left out. We spent so much time arguing over who would eat who’s thigh. Then White Eric wouldn’t eat Black Eric’s leg and people got really weird about it.



Day 12:

The problem with having an orgy after a lot of people were just killed is that no one wants to start. We all kind of stare at each other naked then it becomes a big cry-off. Even Grace is not in the mood and she is straight up horny all the time. She just looked at us all and said “What are we doing?” then slowly started reaching for Li’s crotch. It was a sad moment but it got sadder as we all started touching each other.



Day 13:

After the orgy we decided we don’t deserve to live. Some of us argued that we are already dead and in purgatory but then we told Eddie he needs to shut the hell up. This of course started an argument which started a fight which became an all out battle. So now everyone is dead and I’m alive. I wish the guy who liked fishing survived.



Day 14:

Alone. Hungry. Ah I see a full bar with food! Dammit another hallucination! I have got to stop falling for that every hour.



Day 15:

RESCUED! Great. Only problem is the cruise ship that picked us up doesn’t have wi-fi or any decent soap.



Day 16:

It’s like c’mon how many times do you really have to play “Bad Romance”. Sure it’s a crowd-pleaser but this is the 8th time he’s played it tonight! I think I will inform this DJ of how I feel.







Day 17:

The captain told me I can’t go to the DJ booth and that it was “Poor taste to yell at him considering we saved your life”. I’m totally going to rip this place online.

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