Theodore’s Advice Column

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 6 months now and we still have not made love. I’ve tried everything, romantic dates, weekend getaways, flowers, massages, chocolates, candle lit dinners. I’ve even written her poetry and sang for her, but still nothing. I need your advice, how do I get her into bed?

The reason this broad won’t sleep with you (and yeah broad is the appropriate term) is because you are being a pussy about this. You are doing everything you think you are supposed to do, when you should be doing everything that is counter-intuitive, this is also known as woman’s intuition.Instead of buying her things, you should key her car. Rather than complimenting her, you should spit in her lunch. An alternative doing anything romantic, would be to start a rumor that she once murdered a gypsy for sport. Those are all the things women go for and show that you truly are an alpha male. And remember anytime a woman does have sex with you after you do something nice for her, she is no better than a common street whore.

Now on to something completely different. Many of you may have noticed an absence of my column in recent months, and I need to clear the air on that. No, I was not kidnapped and brainwashed by a roving band of militant feminists. The reality of the situation is I have somehow, ended up in a relationship with a woman. A human woman this time. I just do not have time to write now that I spend my days ignoring her feelings, forgetting her birthday, and constantly tending to her insatiable cock-hunger. Also my unemployment ran out, and I had to get a job waiting tables. But hopefully I can get on a schedule and stick to writing these every week because with out this there really isn’t any other reason to be on this dumb website.


Ted is a contributor at Ted loves comedy. He hates writing short Bios about himself. Ted is very good at comedy. He is not very good at writing his Bio. Ted is constantly working on his comedy. Ted rarely works on writing his Bio. Ted tell his jokes at all the major clubs in Boston. Ted writes his Bio on his home computer. Ted has appeared in several comedy festivals. His Bio has not. Ted was the Comic in Residence at the Comedy Studio in December 2010. His Bio took the month off to spend time with family. Lets review Comedy Good, Bios Bad.

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