The Unsolicited Advice Column
– by Ted Pettingell
A weekly advice column with questions ripped from the headlines (of social media) and answered by our own delightful little scamp who probably hates you, Ted.
Hello fans and lovers,
Forgive me if this week’s installment of my weekly advice nonsense is more rambling and less coherent than normal. I had food poisoning a few days ago and have not been able to eat or sleep and I have made a mess of at least one public restroom. Basically, I now know what its like to live as Rich Karski for a week, except sober. Moral of the story, oysters are the devil, except that I am the devil. I told you, I haven’t been sleeping.
Todays first fuckface is @maryjayee. She asks, “What to do… #cantsleep?”
Well Mary, what I have been doing recently when I’ve been suffering from insomnia, is lying awake in bed and willing myself not to vomit. Have you tried doing that? I’ve found that really focusing on keeping the poison down in my belly really distracts from the muscle aches I’ve been feeling all over the rest of my body. Have you tried doing that yet? You really should because if you can pull it off, eventually what ever primordial scum that some line cook didn’t wash off his hands will reach a point of no return and you will no longer be able to puke it up if you wanted to.
You’ll spend the next twelve hours expelling the toxins through the other end of your body and hopefully not all over a Target bathroom. Hack comic premise: Why are Target bathrooms always covered in poo? Who ever goes in there must really be missing the target.
Hold for applause break. Drop Mic.
Our second Human Dumpster is @Henockeee_10. He wants to know:
“Oh my goodness Jugo Juice ! . What was in that breakfast wrap :'( . #FoodPoisoned?”
My guess would be oysters… Never order the Sausage, Oyster, Cheese wake up wrap from Dunkin Donuts. Hack Comic Premise: Why are there so many Dunkin Donuts around here and why are they filled with immigrants? Its as if I don’t understand supply and demand at all – or- why would someone new to this country be working a minimum wage job?
Headlines Elks Lodge in Northern Maine. Gets Standing Ovation. Bangs 47 year old mother of three and ruins all of your lives.
Our final Rich Karski is @SamuelLJackson. He wants to know:
“Have you got balls? If you’ve really got balls you’ll watch my video http://po.st/SLJ #meetSLJ @One4theBoys”
Mr Jackson, let me be the first to apologize for comparing you to Rich Karski. That guy is the worst. But to answer your question, you better believe I’ve got balls If I’m comparing you to that abomination Karski. By the way, great work in Captain America 2. Hack Comic Premise: Doesn’t Samuel L Jackson seem like the coolest guy in the world? Like, I bet he’s got a million great stories but he never gets to tell them because better stories happen to him all the time. He’s like, “Did I Ever tell you about the time Barak Obama took me on a hot air balloon ride… Hold on, is that a dragon?”
Gets a Comedy Central Special. Becomes Twitter sensation. Loses it all when this advice column is discovered.
The end guys.