The Unsolicited Advice Column
– by Ted Pettingell
A weekly advice column with questions ripped from the headlines (of social media) and answered by our own delightful little scamp who probably hates you, Ted.
The numbers don’t lie people. I know I said in an earlier article that this advice column was the most read thing on UnScene Comedy, but that was just me assuming no one actually reads anything on this website. I was informed by my editor, some woman, (Editor’s Note: Some Woman (SW) is responsible for putting 90% of the punctuation in this article, including all of the question marks…in an advice column…where people ask questions…Seriously, Theodore? I can’t believe I have to keep doing this.) that as it turns out my work is in fact the most viewed, so how about that.
Anyway, that brings me to my next point. Despite all the hits, my work is still the least retweeted, least liked, and least shared thing on UnScene. Goddamnit my computer really wants it to say unseen. So, somehow at the same time I am both the most popular and least popular writer on this site. What’s up with that people? Are you afraid to admit you love me? I know that feeling, if I could give myself some advice it would be admit you love yourself. But thats not how this works and I must continue to bare this cross of only giving advice and never receiving it. Well, if you want to be a bunch of hipsters about this then fine. Don’t tell anyone because its only a matter of time before I’m a pop culture phenomenon. Then you can stop hating me for being better than you and start hating me for being a sell out.
This is the second round of advice for the week because I missed last week. Why did you miss last week Ted? Were you lost in a fog of existential depression? Yes, I was, but no, that isn’t why I missed last week. My computer was broken, it still is broken but now I have a new shinier computer. Here’s the deal people. If you don’t want to be part of my ever expanding popularity that is fine, but if you like my advice column then just give me a dollar. If everyone who likes these does that then I will be able to afford a new computer every week. And I’m going to need them because I won’t just be writing like the F. Scott Fitzgerald of advice, I’ll be drinking like him too. And when you are that drunk all the time you are going to piss on some laptops. How can you not? You put them in your lap and they just feel so warm. Then nature just takes its course. Speaking of nature taking its course on to the advice.
First up today is @SheenaB_ she asks #Question : Do you think people date as a leisure activity or with an actual purpose?
Always with the relationship questions… Doesn’t anyone on the internet care about something other than getting their dicks wet/being a dick wetting station. Okay lets give this a shot. Can’t the answer be both? Maybe you have a purpose and its just a good old fashion leisurely boning. I would really hope there is a purpose. Why else would you be on a date, because you enjoy the company of other people? That just sounds gross. Also why did you call it a leisure activity? That makes it sound like a rich white man activity and according to your twitter picture, you are not that at all. Things typically described as leisure activities are golf, yachting, and denying civil rights to people who look like your profile picture. I hope that answered your question.
Our second question is from @answerbag Should churches be taxed? Why/why not?
Holy fuck, I wish you hadn’t thought of that name first. Answer Bag, that would be a way better name for these things. Its also what I’m going to start calling know-it-alls behind their backs. Right now, I would say yes they should be taxed. With America’s growing deficit we should expect everyone to do their patriotic duty and chip in and pay taxes. I will feel this way until the United States Government gives myself and the Church of Ted tax exempt status. I know I haven’t filled out any of the actual forms to get a tax exemption but I’ve already got the messianic robe and shouldn’t that be enough? Anyway, that’s not going to stop me from claiming religious expiation this year. Because if I’m guilty of anything its loving to much… and tax evasion.
One more for the road, @PlayStationIE What is the best multiplayer experience you’ve ever had?
That isn’t exactly a question asking for advice but lets see what I can do. It was in my younger wilder years, I had been invited to a party by a friend and arrived under the assumption that it was to be attended by many other friends of mine. I was mistaken. When I arrived I knew almost no one there. For most people that would be a set back but myself be a master of social grace had not problem integrating myself into this new social setting. These people were not like my regular crew of companions. They were more refined, more cultured. After an evening of conversation and keg PBR, I left with an experience and a few new acquaintances. The next week one of these new acquaintances invited me to another party and this one was even more of a ruckus then the last. The early part of evening was spent imbibing plum wine. Eventually, a small group of us retired to an upstairs bedroom because the boorish nature of the many of the party goers had driven us away. As the week before, there was much conversation of art and life but eventually things took a turn for the sensual. Talk led to light petting and fingers through the hair, which led to a kiss. A simple kiss, and from that kiss, there was a spark in that room. And where there had been 5 or 7, (who was counting?) individuals, there was just now one being, one soul. And that one soul had the gayest, leatheriest, bondage orgy your mind can imagine. I hope that answers your question.
Well that was a journey. Tune in next week. I say tune in because I assume I will have a tv show at that point.