The Birds and the Bees

When the time came for me to learn about the “birds and the bees” my father just showed me a videotape. Not a porn, that would be weird. Instead a cartoon that explained how much people must love each other and how exhausting it is to do this baby making. It’s really weird to watch two cartoon characters get it on. Even more so when it’s not in a sexy anime way but more of a “ok, time to make the babies.” way. I’m pretty sure the animated man and woman were a married couple that hated each other but wanted to have kids.

I never really understood why they call it the bird and the bees. It sort of makes it sound like babies come from interspecies humping. The man and the woman. The penis and vagina. The sperm and egg. I submit all of these suggetions to make it easier to understand.

Even if you were just drawing a parallel between what birds do and what humans do to reproduce it’s still somewhat confusing, since birds lay eggs and humans (aside from a few she-devils I know) do not.

Why not just use the way ants reproduce to explain the process.

Dad: Well, when a colony of men love a woman very much, because she released a pheromone that affects them, they all chase her and mate with her. Filling her up with as much sperm as she can hold. Then her body uses that sperm for the next 20 years or so to constantly pump out new babies. Often times a woman can give birth to a few million babies. Sadly most of her babies will only live 3 weeks or so.

Queen ants are terrible mothers. Can you imagine if a girl was 17 and had already had millions of children and none of them lived past three weeks. DSS might have something to say about that.

Shawn is the owner and creator of

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