Theodore’s Advice Column

Welcome back love birds, it’s your old pal, Ted. I’m here once again to spew relationship advice from my truth hole. This is going to be at least eight days late, and that’s because Shawn Carter is bad at the internet. So this week’s question comes from Dan in Rockland, Massachusetts.

Dan asks, “My girlfriend has a baby it’s not mine and I’m fine with that. The problem I have is that she always wants to have sex directly after breast feeding. I feel kind of weird about it. Should I say something?”


That is a great question Dan. I know I say that every week, but seriously this week’s question is really something. I have never encountered anything like this in my travels, but I am erotically enticed imagining what I would do in this situation. Playing out this scenario over and over in my head, “Oh what I would do with those luscious milk bags?” The thought of making hot sticky love and just slapping that life giving nectar out of her tits. I’m sorry, I got a little off track. What was the question again?

Okay now that I’ve calmed down and cleared my head let me try again to answer your question. Whatever you do you must be very careful about it. Because your girlfriend just had a baby, her woman brain is acting its most womany. I know it doesn’t make sense. Usually a woman’s brain is acting dumb because all she wants is a baby and you would think once she gets a baby she would smarten up, but like all things related to women you must think counter-intuitively. I think what’s going on is that, once she is pregnant and has a baby people begin to treat her like a real person. She enjoys the feeling mainly because she knows she doesn’t deserve it. So when she is breast feeding she feels most like a mother and wants another baby and to do that, she needs to act like a real cum dumpster. The irony of this is that you can’t get pregnant while breast feeding. I know that language is harsh but its true. Some of you might be saying “Ted, would you say that about your own mother?” I would if it were true, but it’s not. As most of you know I am a miracle Christ child. As for the rest of you though, remember don’t respect your mothers because they only got that way by acting like a giant whorish cum dumpster that didn’t even have the good sense to swallow the load.

I guess what you should do is enjoy all the crazy bareback fucking while you can. Just make sure you pull out. I know I said you can’t get pregnant while you are breast feeding, but do you really want to take the chance? Sure it might be fun looking after this baby she has now, but legally you aren’t responsible for that baby. If you knock her up then you’ll have to deal with your own baby, one you won’t be able to walk away from when you get bored of fucking its mother, and no one wants to be in that situation. Also it’s just more fun to pull out. Its so much more degrading.

Well there you have it folks. More great advice from me, out there under my real name that I’m sure will prevent any potential future employers from needing my services.

Get Fucked,
Ted Pettingell

Ted is a contributor at Ted loves comedy. He hates writing short Bios about himself. Ted is very good at comedy. He is not very good at writing his Bio. Ted is constantly working on his comedy. Ted rarely works on writing his Bio. Ted tell his jokes at all the major clubs in Boston. Ted writes his Bio on his home computer. Ted has appeared in several comedy festivals. His Bio has not. Ted was the Comic in Residence at the Comedy Studio in December 2010. His Bio took the month off to spend time with family. Lets review Comedy Good, Bios Bad.

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