What You Need to Know About Your Mailman and/or Mailfemale

Most people think delivering mail is similar to a casual stroll while carrying a couple of letters. The reality of it is much different. Letter carriers routes are strictly monitored and constantly adjusted to assure that the postal service is getting the most out of each of its employees every day.

I only mention this to make you realize that while you’re talking about the weather, your mailman is probably wondering how he/she is going to make up the time that they lost to your shitty conversation later in the day.

Here’s some do’s and don’ts when it comes to dealing with your mailman/woman. Let’s start with the don’ts.


1. Talk to your mail man about the weather. Yeah it’s hot out. The carrier has probably already been made aware of this by the gallons of sweat that they’ve lost through their balls (or other parts). They don’t need to lose another 30 seconds to your small talk.

2. Tell your mail man that they can “keep the bills”. This is the most overused joke and it gets old after your first day carrying mail. Consider, some people have been doing the job for thirty years, “going postal”, suddenly makes sense. Furthermore, imagine if they actually did keep the bills. You might be a little upset when your electricity gets shut off. Then you can come talk to the mailman about how hot it is outside.

3. Ask the mailman for directions. Get a GPS!!! Use mapquest!! Go to one of the millions of gas stations in the area!! The mailman is not a tour guide, and though he may know the city or town very well you still may end up in the wrong neighborhood if you pull this shit. Looking for Pleasant Street?? Well I’m sending you to a not so pleasant street.

4. Allow your dog outside off a leash. I don’t care if you think your dog is harmless if it’s got teeth it will most likely bite the mailman. If you have a small dog and it charges the mailman don’t be surprised if it gets booted. If you have a big dog, well that’s what the mace is for.


1. Say hello. It’s okay to say hello just try to keep it brief.

2. Leave a water out on a hot day. This is probably the best thing you can do for another human being, ever. It’s a hundred degrees out, the mailman is running behind. He’s already drank all of the water he brought to work and is now feeling his mouth and throat get very dry, he’s sweat out all he had drank and is exhausted. Just when he thinks he can go no further, he opens your mailbox and finds a cold (or even warm) bottle of water. From this day on that carrier will do whatever they can to make sure you always get your mail.

3. Leave a holiday tip. Don’t listen to your stupid shitty friends that tell you you’re not supposed to leave the mailman money. If you think your mailman did a good job reward them just this once a year. I assure you, you’re generosity will not be forgotten.

4. Send a letter. Here’s the number one thing you can do to help your mailman. Send a letter. Sounds simple but nobody does it anymore and the Postal Service and our country are losing thousands of jobs because of it. Do it even just one time. Send a love letter, or a hate letter, I don’t care just send something.

So to recap:
Keep your shitty small talk to yourself.
Keep your shitty jokes to yourself.
Keep your shitty GPS in the car.
Keep your shitty dog on a leash.

Be nice.
Be nicer.
Be even nicer.
Save the U.S Postal Service.




Shawn is the owner and creator of UnSceneComedy.com

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