Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that just ordered a pizza and is waiting patiently for the pizza.
Another week of NFL action is complete and I don’t know if it was the shitty games or abnormal chemical processes but my brain is not working properly this week. At least, more unproperly than usual, which will make for likely a jumbled mess of a column that will potentially be used as evidence at an upcoming trial.
The NFL hierarchy is taking shape and surprise surprise everybody sucks. Sure, Dallas and Minnesota and New England look pretty good but the way the NFL works is that somebody is going to get hurt and those teams will suck too, then the fucking Giants will probably win the Super Bowl again and Odell Beckham Jr. is gonna fuck that net on the teacups at Disney World. Whatever. I’m gonna start writing about the games now but probably not entirely about the games because maybe I’ll decide to write about something else because this is all about me and you can suck it. ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 8-5-2. As always, home team is in caps.
GREEN BAY -7.5 vs. Chicago
Everybody is worried about Aaron Rodgers because he sucks now but I don’t think that’s a huge problem. Plenty of people have sucked and become wildly successful. Kevin Costner, Dave Matthews, the guy who invented church… all terrible and all worth upwards of one million dollars. You don’t have to be good to be successful, you just have to know where the stupidest people are, and Green Bay is a great place to start.
NY Giants -3 vs. Los Angeles (LONDON)
Waking up hungover on a Sunday morning and then immediately having to watch Eli Manning make faces sounds terrible. Although who knows if he’ll even be the starter on Sunday. My money is on him somehow getting trapped on that big Ferris wheel they have or maybe lock himself in his hotel room because he’s scared of the werewolves.
Minnesota -2.5 vs. PHILADELPHIA
I wonder what they did with all of those big spiral gumball machines when all of the Blockbuster Videos closed.
KANSAS CITY -6.5 vs. New Orleans
Last week Andy Reid ran a play for noted fat man Dontari Poe called “Hungry Pig Right” and everyone had a good laugh but Andy Reid wasn’t laughing. Hungry Pig Rights are very important to him and he has been trying to raise awareness.
DETROIT -1 vs. Washington
Eventually Washington is going to have to change their racist name and I think they should let me do it since I’m super good at naming things. Washington Swamp Buckets sounds pretty cool, and then their mascot can just be a bucket full of swamp and their stadium can be nicknamed The Big Swamp and all of the fans can be covered in mosquitoes.
Cleveland +9.5 vs. CINCINNATI
Seriously if you watch this game I am calling the police.
MIAMI +3 vs. Buffalo
I am worried that someday a very reckless government is going to make cigarettes completely illegal. It’s currently illegal to smoke pretty much everywhere except dark alleys and poor people’s porches. Next thing you know they’ll ban smoking entirely and a bunch of fucking nerds will cheer and say “it’s about time!” while all of us cool people become pirates and smoke on the seas. You just made smoking that much cooler, idiots.
Oakland +1 vs. JACKSONVILLE
These two teams will somehow throw for a combined 1500 yards and the score will end up being 17-14. I was really excited for Derek Carr and Blake Bortles to take the next step and evolve into superstar quarterbacks or at the very least into some kind of winged insects who grasp the football in their horrible pincers.
TENNESSEE -3 vs. Indianapolis
Mike Pence ads have started showing up in my social media because I keep tweeting at him about how he wants to suck a lot of dicks and wishes women would stop getting abortions because some of those babies could grow up to be men whose dicks he can suck. This is probably something Richard Nixon never had to deal with.
Baltimore PK vs. NY JETS
GENO SMITH ALERT! YOU GET TO GAMBLE AGAINST GENO SMITH THIS WEEK AND YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO GIVE ANY POINTS! The best thing ever was on Monday when Fitzmagic threw his pick and Geno got pissed like “Why am I not in the game already???” and then he went in and threw a pick and the answer was “Oh yeah because I’m Geno fucking Smith.”
ATLANTA -6.5 vs. San Diego
Oh I really do not give a shit.
SAN FRANCISCO +2 vs. Tampa Bay
Jesus fucking Christ can we go back to that last game?
ATLANTA -6.5 vs. San Diego
Okay, ummm… Goddamn this is tough. See, the problem with these two teams especially is that even their actual fans would have nothing to say about this game. These are two of the most apathetic fan bases in the league, considering one of these teams is moving to LA and the other is moving into a giant metal asshole and very few people seem upset about either one. Philip Rivers probably won’t be making any other trips to Atlanta in his career, since playing football in a giant asshole is against God’s will. Assholes are where sins are born.
New England -7 vs. PITTSBURGH
This looked like it could have been a potentially great game until Ben Roethlisberger had to go and fuck up his knee like a big hefty simpleton. Every year a team that looks like a lock to make a playoff run gets screwed over by injuries and then the NFL still lets Vontaze Burfict chase everyone around with a switchblade while pretending to care about player safety. Look Roger, you don’t have to give a shit about the players’ brains or ligaments because it’s clear to everyone that you don’t. But don’t sit around bitching and moaning about shitty ratings when you’re suspending good players and allowing others to get mangled so everyone has to sit through fucking Jacoby Brissett and Landry Jones and Derek Anderson in marquee games. Meanwhile you blame Twitter and the election for people not giving a shit anymore. Maybe it’s as simple as people not wanting to watch football that sucks. Nah, can’t be that. The real menace is Antonio Brown’s pelvis. Keep focusing your efforts on stopping that pelvis.
SEATTLE -2.5 vs. Arizona
One win over the Jets and Arizona is supposed to be good again? I hate this season. I bet Bruce Arians and Pete Carroll exchange mixtapes every time these two teams play, but then they end up throwing them out because Pete’s are always full of Bob Dylan and SuperTramp and Bruce listens exclusively to ska. I will eat a Kangol hat if Bruce Arians has never owned a trombone.
DENVER -7.5 vs. Houston
Denver has said all week they would very much like to straight up murder Brock Osweiler and I would imagine Tom O’Brien is considering the merits of replacing his offensive line with some very tired elderly men. If Denver ends up hitting Brock in the head as much as they hit Cam Newton, it will be interesting to see the NFL try to defend allowing them to do that. “Brock’s very tall so his head is way up high. The higher you get, the less gravity there is, making impacts at that altitude very insignificant. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the Osweiler family in their time of grief.”
LAST WEEK: 8-5-2
SEASON TOTAL: 45-42-3