Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that will pick its nose brazenly and with abandon on public transportation.
HOLY JESUS MOTHER OF SHIT THE NFL IS SO BAD. I watched all of the games that I could get on my television last week and every one made me want to die. The marquee game of the fucking week was a 6-6 tie. Russell Wilson said that overtime should be decided by one kick. The team that wins the coin toss gets to kick a field goal from the 35. If they hit it they win, if they miss they lose. This is incredibly stupid for a lot of reasons including many that pertain to gambling. If I have one of those teams -3.5 and a game goes to overtime under those rules I’m kicking my television out the window. Let me propose a better idea for solving the NFL’s overtime problem: Russian Roulette. You send both kickers out there blindfolded with a revolver and one bullet. You replace the refs with a very loud Vietnamese man, and the first kicker to blow his brains out on national television loses. A win in Russian Roulette OT would be an automatic cover, but you would also be allowed to place bets on how many empty chambers click before the fatal shot. Everybody wins. Except the kickers I guess, but it’s usually their fault we got to overtime in the first place. You make those kicks in regulation and nobody has to die. ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 7-8 on paper but technically went 8-7. I screwed up the Seattle game and made them the home team -2.5 in the column due to I was very drunk, when they were really the road team +2.5 but you guys know what I meant. Right? Ahh fuck it, I’ll take the loss you jerks. As always, home team is in caps.
Jacksonville +3.5 vs. TENNESSEE
Isn’t every Thursday night game Jacksonville vs. Tennessee? If you asked me who was playing on any given Thursday and I hadn’t looked at the schedule I would invariably guess these two teams. If you told me I was wrong I would guess San Francisco and St. Louis, forgetting that St. Louis is now LA. If you told me I was wrong again I would say Jacksonville and Tennessee and this would continue on an endless loop until you smothered me with a pillow to put me out of my misery.
Cincinnati -3 vs. Washington (London)
Are they playing a game in London every week now? I wonder if Creed is also playing in London this weekend. Their entire fanbase consists of Andy Dalton and Kirk Cousins so you’d think they’d want to capitalize on having both of their fans in the same place.
Green Bay +3 vs. ATLANTA
Green Bay still hasn’t looked good at all this season, but Atlanta’s defense is turning back into a pumpkin just in time for Halloween. I know the Packers probably don’t have any answer for Julio Jones, but Mike McCarthy is going to be so hopped up on pixie sticks and Milky Ways that I think his play calling will finally come around and the offense will be able to keep pace with his racing heart.
Detroit +2.5 vs. HOUSTON
Brock is officially terrible. I know he has played some good defenses but he has shown about as much competence as a very tall baby trying to drive a car. Sure it can reach the pedals and if you take a quick glance it looks like any other driver, but once it has the keys it’s just going to put them in its mouth and you’re gonna have to run over and stop it from choking to death.
Seattle -2.5 vs. NEW ORLEANS
Oh okay so we’re doing the whole road team thing again. Fine. Seattle’s defense is going to have to carry them for a while because my god that offense is pathetic. People think Russell Wilson is hurt but everybody knows he sucks now because he started fucking. He should have eased into it with some hand stuff before going full penetration, gotten his fuck legs under him, and went from there. This is what happens when you don’t teach sex ed in schools.
New England -6.5 vs. BUFFALO
For two straight weeks New England has looked not so great, but still covered the spread by at least a score, so this must be the week that they finally look great and cover the spread by at least three scores. My logic is flawless.
CLEVELAND +3 vs. NY Jets
I don’t know who Cleveland’s quarterback is going to be and logically they should lose this game by 30 but fuck if I’m picking Ryan Fitzpatrick when his confidence is sky-high and he thinks he has proven his doubters wrong. When Ryan Fitzpatrick has this kind of swagger I’m expecting half a dozen picks and a safety where he trips over a lineman and crab walks out of his own end zone.
Oakland +1.5 vs. TAMPA BAY
Tampa should be able to put up a lot of points on Oakland but this is the last 1pm EST Raiders game of the season and they need to make it count because after 4pm EST they all start thinking about Westworld and they’re like “How can we focus on football when we’re so excited about cowboy robots?” and the short answer to that is that nobody can. Such are the mysteries of life.
Kansas City -2.5 vs. INDIANAPOLIS
It’s going to be fun to see the Colts start playing the blame game again when they finish 8-8. That might not even be enough to get someone fired, since it’s probably good enough to get them into the playoffs in their division, which should be thrown into an abyss. Although, if any of the AFC South QBs save Andrew Luck are throwing it you’re going to have to tell them to throw the division 6 yards past the abyss to make sure they get it in there. One time Andy Reid fell into the abyss but he got stuck and they had to pull him out with a crane. As the crane was pulling him out he was gnawing on a chicken drumstick. Nobody is sure if he found it down there or if he had it in his pocket the whole time.
DENVER -5.5 vs. San Diego
This is the part of the season where Chargers fans think their team is turning it around and then they reward them with a nice firm kick in the pants. Which is coincidentally the only form of birth control endorsed by Philip Rivers.
CAROLINA -2.5 vs. Arizona
Oh great! We get the NFC Championship Game rematch that nobody wants anymore. It’s too bad this game can’t be played with the aid of a time machine. They could travel back to Germany in the 1930s and kill Hitler with disappointment.
DALLAS -4 vs. Philadelphia
There’s nothing I enjoy less than writing about the NFC East and there’s nothing I enjoy more than writing about raccoons so let’s talk about raccoons for a second. The national mammal of the United States is the American bison, which I think is bullshit because nobody has ever seen one of those because we basically killed them all. The national mammal should be the raccoon, an animal that people have been trying to kill for centuries but keeps coming back stronger than ever. We’ll never get rid of raccoons and they will feast on our trash and our bones once the end time comes and we are no more. To paraphrase Donald Trump: I don’t like loser animals who get endangered. I like dirtbag winner animals who will knock over all of your garbage and punch your outdoor pets and cause a general ruckus. Vote Raccoon 2016.
Minnesota -5 vs. CHICAGO
JAY CUTLER IS BACK! More importantly: GAMBLING AGAINST JAY CUTLER IN PRIME TIME IS BACK! He’s going against the best defense in the league too! After the team has already given him a resounding vote of no confidence! Cutler is going to be texting in the huddle and throwing interceptions out of pure spite. His postgame interview is going to be ten minutes of him making fart noises with his mouth. This is the Jay Cutler we have all been waiting for.
LAST WEEK: 7-8-0 (I guess…)
SEASON TOTAL: 52-50-3