Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column with a worse career winning percentage than Gus Bradley.
It’s not really the NFL season until I have a week so inexplicably bad that I consider outsourcing my picks to an octopus or an ape or maybe some kind of bird who you put two crackers in front of with the team helmets and then the bird eats the cracker with the winning team on it but maybe the bird knows your game and instead of going for the cracker he bites your fingers so you drop the crackers and he gets them both. Sucker. But no. Fuck that bird. I’m not letting him make a fool out of me. I’M the only one who gets to make a fool out of me. And maybe my mother if you ever get to meet her BUT I DON’T BRING PEOPLE AROUND HER FOR A REASON.
Last week was only week two, but some of the concerns expressed about the NFC’s contenders were addressed. Arizona and Carolina do not suck. Seattle and Green Bay yes probably do suck and quite possibly very badly. The AFC’s contenders meanwhile continue to be the Patriots, Steelers, and Broncos and also continue to look kind of shitty all things considered. Plus injuries! The NFC at least seems to have teams that are working through kinks and figuring shit out before they start to roll into the playoffs. The AFC looks like it’s full of teams sprinting out to division leads as fast as they can so they can toss home field advantage around like a gross sticky orphan as their whole team falls to pieces and they drag themselves to the finish line. GONNA BE A GREAT YEAR EVERYBODY! Does this mean the Super Bowl winner will be a team other than the seven named above? HAHAHAHAHA NO! Everyone else is terrible and can go to hell. ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 5-11-0. As always, home team is in caps.
Houston -1.5 vs. NEW ENGLAND
Bill Belichick, in a stroke of absolute genius, is staying cagey about his QB (Jacoby Brissett) for Thursday night’s game. Nobody knows which QB (Jacoby Brissett) will start for New England! If his QB (Jacoby Brissett) remains a secret, then instead of preparing for one quarterback (Jacoby Brissett) the Texans will have to prepare for TWO quarterbacks (Jacoby Brissett and maybe Jacoby Brissett without his mustache?)
WHOMEVER Belichick ultimately chooses to start the game under center (Jacoby Brissett.) That poor, unfortunate, mystery quarterback (rhymes with Bracoby Jissett) has to deal with JJ Watt and Jadaveon Clowney trying to murder his (Jacoby’s) face all night. Not a good time. Especially if it’s your first (yes) or even third (no) career NFL start.
Denver +3 vs. CINCINNATI
Well this is the type of game that Cincinnati usually wins to make people think they’re a good team because they’re playing at 1 on a Sunday and most people are going to be too hungover to notice them. But what if, and hear me out here, what if Cincinnati is bad and Denver is better than them and their defense walks into Cincy’s own civic tragedy of a stadium and kicks the shit out of them? What if that happens??? Would anybody notice that??? Probably not. Everybody is sick of having to wait until the first weekend of the playoffs for the Bengals to disappear. Let’s make it happen sooner!
Oakland +2 vs. TENNESSEE
Hahahaaha WHEEEEEEEEEEE let’s go with the Raiders again because I have BRAIN DAMAGE. I honestly don’t know what the fuck is going on with 95% of the teams in the NFL but these two may baffle me the most. Tennessee’s offense doesn’t look good but Oakland’s defense looks horrific. Is Oakland’s offense good? Is Tennesee’s defense good? *shrugs* Fuck if I know. Take the points. Or don’t. I don’t even have to write about the games in these fucking paragraphs. I could write about, fucking… eels or whatever.
JACKSONVILLE +1 vs. Baltimore
I wanna talk about eels for a second. One time I went to the aquarium, and they have these big fucking moray eels that live in the giant ocean tank in the middle of the place. And I’m watching this eel and he looks like a fucking asshole but I’m not about to say anything because whatever he lives in a tank and I’m not about to get into this shit with a guy who has that kind of free time on his hands. So anyway, I’m looking at him, and he’s just kind of sitting there wrapped around a fucking thing and he just slowly slips away to go to I guess a different part of the tank because his options are kind of limited. So he’s gone and all of a sudden I have nothing to look at so I’m about to walk away. Then out of nowhere motherfucker shoots back up with his mouth wide open like he’s gonna take my arm off. I jump back a little and dude just snakes away real pleased with himself. Now I look scared in front of a bunch of kids and moms and shit. Gotta admit it was a pretty good prank. Eels are badass.
Arizona -4 vs. BUFFALO
For real Rex Ryan won’t survive this weekend. Maybe he thought firing Greg Roman was a smart move because now there’s nobody to take over as interim HC without making the organization look like a staggering embarrassment to the game of football but he underestimates what the people of Buffalo are willing to endure. They’ll have Jim Kelly coaching this team from a golf course on Monday morning, calling deep balls to Eric Moulds and Lee Evans, and they’ll still be in better shape than they are with the Ryan brothers running around trying to come up with new ways to trick each other into eating cum.
MIAMI -10 vs. Cleveland
If Jimmy the Wop (everyone please start using this nickname this is now his official nickname) had stayed in last week’s game against Miami and kept playing the way he was, Cleveland would have been smart to start throwing draft picks at the Patriots to pry him away. Instead, Jimmy got hurt and so did Josh McCown and Cleveland’s front office is starting their third QB in three weeks because they’re baseball people and don’t realize that you’re supposed to use the same guy every game.
Washington +5 vs. NY GIANTS
SICK PUKE YUCK GROSS GET IT AWAY FROM MEEEEEE!!!!!! I don’t know, I guess we can be thankful that this isn’t the Sunday night game? Wait… what is the Sunday night game? Awww fuck it’s gonna be the Cowboys or the Eagles against someone even shittier isn’t it? *skips down to bottom of schedule* You know what? I’m not even gonna fucking say anything.
GREEN BAY -7 vs. Detroit
Lot of questions surrounding Green Bay right now. Can they bounce back from a rough first two weeks? Can the offense find its rhythm? Is Aaron Rodgers healthy? Is Mike McCarthy sane? Is Mike McCarthy alive? Is Mike McCarthy a bag of packing peanuts in a Starter jacket? Is Mike McCarthy made entirely of wool? Is Mike McCarthy actually Melissa McCarthy and has this all been an elaborate ruse to promote that Ghostbusters movie? Is Mike McCarthy a fat robot sent back in time to warn humans that fat people still get bullied in the future? Is Mike McCarthy what Porky Pig would look like wearing pants and a headset? Is Mike McCarthy a egg? Some of these questions may be answered on Sunday. Some may have to wait.
Minnesota +7 vs. CAROLINA
Adrian Peterson is injured! OH NO! But Adrian Peterson looked like shit before he got injured! Minnesota’s defense is what has them at 2-0 and even if Sam Bradford’s dick climbs back up inside his body this Sunday as I expect it to, I don’t think either of these teams will be able to move the ball well. HOWEVER… I also don’t know anything about anything and got scared by an eel so do what you like.
San Francisco +9 vs. SEATTLE
Seattle don’t understand. WE AIN’T SCARED OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS. The fear of this team is gone, the fear of the 12th man is gone, and this offense might also be fucking gone. 15 points in two weeks is very bad. San Fran gave up 46 last week so maybe there’s hope, but there probably isn’t and this is probably going to be another wretched one score game where a lot of people fall down and everyone looks mad the whole time even if their team is winning. Bet the under, probably.
Los Angeles +6 vs. TAMPA BAY
Oh fuck off I don’t have time for this…
PHILADELPHIA +3.5 vs. Pittsburgh
CARSON WENTZ BABY!!! IS THIS KID THE REAL DEAL??? Fuck if I know. I know I’m sick of people asking that question though, and I swear to fucking god if he turns into one of those good/terrible quarterbacks like Flacco/Cutler/Matt Ryan, then I’m only going to be able to put up with about eight more years of this bullshit before I start writing REALLY mean things about him. You just watch.
KANSAS CITY -3 vs. NY Jets
Andy Reid vs. Todd Bowles. I bet he wishes it was, I don’t know, Andy Reid vs. Cod Bowls or something. Like big bowls of fried fish. Bet Andy would win that battle. Eating all that fish. Look, I’m tired and this game sucks. I don’t owe you anything.
San Diego +2.5 vs. INDIANAPOLIS
Well, Indianapolis’ defense gave up like ten touchdowns against Fat Matt Stafford and Travis Semen, and if Philip Rivers has taught us anything it’s that anything this susceptible to fat staffs and semen will get pregnant at the mere sight of him (his dick looks like a cat food tin and his cum is just as brown I hear.) But yeah Indy’s defense is very bad. I’m not really sure why Ryan Grigson and Chuck Pagano don’t ever try to fix their team by getting good players or coaching the players they have to be good instead of dogshit, but maybe it’s just because they’re very bad at their jobs and are ruining the career of the most promising quarterback talent to enter the league in a generation. If that’s the case then they seem to be right on track.
DALLAS -7 vs. Chicago
Guuuhhhhhhhhhhhh AHHHHHH FUCK. I knew it. I knew we were going to be getting a fucking corpse fire NFC East game in the Sunday night slot but holy shit out of all of them why did it have to be this one??? DAK PRESCOTT VS. BRIAN HOYER!!!! THOSE LITERALLY DON’T SOUND LIKE REAL NAMES IT SOUNDS LIKE THIS GAME IS BEING PLAYED IN A FUCKING ANIME. Chicago hasn’t even been able to get within ten points of either opponent WITH Jay Cutler and I shouldn’t be surprised because he sucks so I thought “maybe Brian Hoyer is better?” but then I remembered his playoff game last year. 15/34… 136 YDS… 0 TD… 4 INT… 1 FUM. Christ. If you had started me at QB in that game I would have at least had enough sense to fall on the ground in fear immediately after every snap instead of embarrassing myself with a stat line like that.
Atlanta +3 vs. NEW ORLEANS