Every four years America is forced to choose a new sociopathic millionaire to be the symbolic figure head of our democracy. And for some god forsaken reason the person who gets the most votes isn’t picked because people they think they are the most qualified. No, the person we vote for is often the person we would most like to have a beer with.
Sometimes they even get to have a beer with the President. Remember that one time where a cop arrested a black guy in his own house, and the black guy was friends with the president? So in a real bold move to punish the guy, the President made a racist guy drink beer in the one circumstance he cannot get drunk and start saying the N-word. Bold move Mr. President.
Anyway, I’m no political expert but I do know a thing or two about beer so I think I am qualified to pick the president. In this article I will break down what beer I think each of the top five candidates will drink and what having a beer with them will be like. And based on that I will pick the winner.
1. Marco Rubio
The beer I think Marco Rubio would drink is Corona. I know some of are already to jump down my throat and say, “you’re racist, and just said that because Corona is Mexican and Marco Rubio isn’t even Mexican, He’s fake Mexican.” And I know he’s not Mexican, but Rubio being Cuban does have something to do with it. Corona is the beer of choice for boring white Budweiser drinkers when they want to seem exotic. And Marco Rubio is a candidate boring white racists pick when they don’t want to seem racist.
Corona isn’t even the best Mexican beer, it lacks the robust full flavor of a Negro Modelo or the inoffensive drinkability of a Tecate. Its just light damaged piss water, no body, no substance. And like Corona and its clear glass, Rubio can be seen right through and there is nothing on the inside except a whole bunch piss Water.
What it would be like to Drink with Marco Rubio? From all accounts in person Rubio is a sharp charming guy, also his policies show he really doesn’t care about women’s rights and he is a former college football player. So I feel like the first few beers in will be a good time but at a certain point things will flip and he’ll get a look in his eyes like he’s ready to go out and commit a sex crime. When I tell him its not a good idea for him to be around ladies he’ll probably start calling me a fag. After I try to talk him down and he gets a few more in him things will probably take a darker turn when he tries to make face love to me to prove he isn’t gay. Over all, not a nice experience.
2. Hillary Clinton
Hillary Clinton is definitely going to drink a Blue Moon. Seriously, she is all about drinking this hand crafted Belgian ale to show you how down with it she is. She knows what you kids like and what you like is craft beer. But, its also Belgian so you know she is worldly and has the experience to get the job done. Finally, Blue Moon has orange and spices in it because she is a lady and ladies like fruit and spices in their beer, because ladies have more sophisticated pallets and want something with more flavor than a Coors. Sorry boys.
In reality, Blue Moon isn’t a craft beer, its a Coors product, you know, a massive corporation. Its not Belgian, its made in Colorado, again by Coors a giant corporation. Blue Moon is a bastardization of the Belgian Witbier style, water downed and sweetened up to be mass marketed by a Giant Corporation that doesn’t respect the consumers intelligence and Hillary’s idea of Feminism is bastardized version to be mass marketed to people she doesn’t respect the intelligence of and she will offer up a symbolic victory mean while doing nothing to challenge the giant corporations that profit off of institutionalized Sexism, Racism, and Homophobia. Girl Power.
Drinking with Hillary would be a boring tiresome affair. As much as we would try to relate to one another we wouldn’t. Eventually, we both hope Bill would show up to remind us of how the name Clinton use to mean fun.
3. Ted Cruz
Ah Ted Cruz, who the fuck ever got drunk enough to tell you to run for President? And how drunk were you that you thought it was a good idea? Who ever it was I’m sure you were drinking Lone Star, “The National Beer of Texas.” Yes Ted Cruz would drink Lone Star, because Ted Cruz has spent a life time of having an identity crisis. He’s a half Canadian, half cuban, half bucket of hair oil, and half mole man. On top of all of that he was raised to believe he was a lizard person. Naturally, when he found out that you can just make being from Texas your thing he jumped at the opportunity.
Now he knows exactly what he loves, Jesus riding a dinosaur across the prairie so that he can deliver the constitution to George “Jim Bowie” Washington. Of corse he drinks Lone Star, Budweiser for people who love ‘Merica, but not as much as they love Texas.
Ted Cruz would actually be fun to drink with in a very schottenfreude kind of way. Just look as his big, doughy, sweaty, weaselly face. Doesn’t it just scream I’m a guy with some very deep secrets that I’m just dying to let out?
I’d be willing to drink as many beers as it took to get him to let those secrets out. He seems so repressed it could be anything, maybe its so vanilla like, his wife makes him have sex with lights on sometimes. Or maybe he’s a serial killer. Or maybe he only kills when his wife makes him have sex with the lights on. But if I had to put money on it I would say he’s probably one of those guys who like to watch his wife get fucked by black dudes, and after they are finished he has to go down on his wife.
4. Bernie Sanders
Bernie Sander is Vermont’s Shining prince who doesn’t care about money or broad appeal. You know what beer fits that description? Heady Topper. A beer that is delicious but extremely hard to come by. A beer far to bold and assertive for most people, but occupies a must have status because of a devoted following on the Internet.
Bernie gets a lot of hype as he should, but a lot of people are going to hear about it and say, ‘That just doesn’t sound like something for me.’ Some others will say, ‘Given the opportunity I’d like to try that but I won’t go out of my way for it.’ And others are like, ‘I need this now, where can I send my money to get it and why aren’t the rest of you talking about how great this is? I’m going to go to my local liquor store and ask for Bernie Sanders and then get mad when the clerk says he’s only electable in Vermont.’ Then they’ll be like, ‘Why doesn’t he just take a bunch of money from a corporation so he can have mass distribution and everyone can get him?’ and the clerk has to tell you, ‘He doesn’t care about money and if he did and was widely available he just wouldn’t be as special.’
I’m on the fence about drinking with Bernie. On one hand he seems like a down to earth guy who has really lived some life so he probably has some great stories. On the other hand he is very old and may die after a few beers. Then, I would be in this awkward situation were I knew he was dead and everybody else didn’t. So I would just have to prop him up for like a weekend at least so that I could impress everyone with how I was now his close personal aide.
5. Donald Trump
I have no idea if Donald Trump likes beer. What I do know is he likes really expensive things that are hard to get. That’s why he is probably going to drink Goose Island Bourbon County Rare.
Bourbon County is already a hard to get beer. It comes out once a year around Thanksgiving and people line up for it. Bourbon County Rare is a version of that beer that has only been made a few times, is super limited, and cost $50 a bottle. Donald Trump would buy it by the case just to tell people he got using his shrewd negotiating tactics with Budweiser, did I mention its a Budweiser product? Because it is. Anyway, Trump would go on TV and tell everyone how great this beer is and how hard to get and expensive it is, then he would tell you if you wanted it you should just be more like him. Then you’d book a stay in one of his hotels and he put it in your mini-bar and up charge you on it because that’s the kind of guy he is. Also this beer is black, a lot like Donald Trump’s soul.
I would drink with Donald for purely selfish reasons. This is the one beer on the list I have never tried. Also he is another guy who seems like he’s got a lot of good stories. He is also willing to tell it like it is when he is sober, imagine the crazy shit he has to say when he is drunk. He’d probably tell you about all the times he’s paid to watch Chinamen, (his words not mine), fight to death. It will be great.
So, ‘in conclusion’ is a very boring way to end the last paragraph on an essay. So don’t do it. Is this enough for a paragraph yet? Who cares.
Based on what I have had to say here, I think Donald Trump will be our next president.
Obama won twice, not because he seems fun to drink with but because the guys who he was running against seem the opposite of fun. McCain and Romney both seem like your boss. No one wants to drink with their boss, you can’t swear or whip your dick/tits out, or any of the other things that make alcohol’s numbing affects fun. Unless, your Boss is Donald Trump.
He’s the kind of boss who insists you come out and drink and its on him. Then he’s going to try and get you laid. When you can’t because you are a couple of drunk idiots he will spring for hookers.
That’s why I’m voting #Trump2016. He is the only candidate who will get drunk enough to buy me a prostitute with tax payer money.