Thing of the Week: Thomas Kinkade’s Face. – by Ryan Donahue.

Thomas Kinkade is a painter who makes lamps and sells lots of puzzles at Rite Aid. He is the backyard barbecue of art history; the creator of at least two forgettable things inside the home of your least favorite relative; the superintendent of the School of Pubic Balloons. Look at his stupid face. That is not the face of a man who paints from the heart. That is the face of a man who paints to hide the stains he’s made on the moral fibers of humanity. It is the face of every divorced woman’s second attempt at happiness; the face of too many gifts, and golf on TV. It is the face of a boob-crazed, Parcheesi-playing painter on a bender, who eats communion wafers for breakfast while he shits on the American flag.

Thomas Kinkade’s paintings should be sold with small cheeseburgers inside happy meals, and served as gifts for the fattest children of the world. He is truly the Elvis of assholes. He owns property in too many places to name, and he gets his shoes shined once daily, so thousands of poor people can stare at their own reflections as he repeatedly kicks them in the face. He makes fairy tales out of stencils, gives them to women, and then they make out in all of his cars. Do you know how much sex a man has when he sells puzzles at Barnes and Noble? A heap-load of sex. One belligerent heap-load of constant industrial sex inside a palace, where nobody knows what time it is because it’s always time for sex.

Thomas Kinkade has dipped his wick in more depressed women than Yankee Candle. And yes. That goatee is the goatee of a man who doesn’t mow his own lawn.

He has the haircut of a slaveowner who fights crime. The body of a Danish cowboy. He is the sole reason that most—if not all people quit sports to fight each other in bars. His mother, Kara Kinkade, she had a great idea once. And then, she had Thomas Kinkade. The Ronald McDonald of Do The Right Thing. The painter who is forever farting into the lungs of humanity, and cropdusting his way to the bank.

 You can find more stuff from Ryan Donahue at @ryanjaydonahue