HOW TO! #3: How to baby proof your home!
by Rich Karski
Welcome back to another edition of Rich Karski’s HOW TO!: The weekly internet column that refuses to underestimate the stupidity of its readership.
Recently I have been doing some research into what exactly internet folks are trying to learn how to do. *types “HOW TO” into Google, waits for autocomplete to do the rest of the work, jots down “how to rob an industry nigga” as potential idea for future column* One of the things people seem interested in learning about is baby proofing their homes. Now, I don’t have children, and if any of you do then please stop reading this column and go find your baby because I can only assume it is in distress. Since I am of the firm belief that an instructional guide on “traditional” baby proofing methods may be lost entirely on my audience, I thought maybe I could be of some help in advising my readers on how to TRULY baby proof your home. That is, how to make your home as uninviting and unsafe as possible, so that no baby shall ever enter, and if any manages to do so, not a one will survive. So come along with me, dear reader, on a journey of criminal neglect and passive infanticide, as I teach you blithering simpletons:
HOW TO BABY PROOF YOUR HOME!
STEP ONE: Identifying a Baby’s Enemies
Now we’re speaking in generalities here, because it’s entirely possible for an individual baby to make dozens of enemies on a daily basis. What we’re looking for are adversaries of babies on a universal level. One thing to consider is that babies by and large a very stupid people. Normal household items that seem innocuous to you and I like uncapped bleach, the strings used to raise and lower blinds, and unattended fires can be used to ward off even the most intelligent baby (NOTE: the most intelligent baby is still not as intelligent as the least intelligent dog.) Sharp objects strewn about on the floor, exposed electrical wires, and any delicious-looking poison can also be used as a last line of defense in the event that a baby gains entrance into your home. While we are hoping it doesn’t come to that, you will want to make sure to keep all of these items handy, as they are very valuable in ensuring that your domicile remains hazardous to any tiny stupid human that may access your domain.
This is a very important step, as babies are generally immobile, and require the assistance of a consenting adult to get from place to place. What you are going to want to do is identify any adults in your life who may find cause to bring a baby into your home, and then make them aware of the dangers that await any baby that they are foolish enough to transport into your residence. This can be done directly, but for some reason once people have babies they themselves turn into idiots and insulting their gross awful child can result in hurt feelings even if they secretly are aware that their child is gross and awful and sucks. So what you’re going to want to do is make it seem like it was THEIR IDEA to keep that tiny rat fuck out of your place. The following steps will help you accomplish that.
STEP THREE: Smoking Indoors Exclusively and at All Times
If you want to seem like the type of person babies shouldn’t be around, you’re going to want to be a smoker. Not only that, you’re going to want to be smoking constantly. For some reason people love to keep their babies away from cigarette smoke, as you may have noticed if you’ve ever blown cigarette smoke at a baby on the street. It is some sort of natural repellant. Now I’m not sure that science has ever shown that smoking can do any direct damage to a baby, but parents sure think it can, and they’re the ones whose brains aren’t too tiny and filled with bugs probably to make a decision on where the baby does and doesn’t go. As an added bonus, if you are constantly smoking in your home, it makes sense to disable the smoke detectors, adding another level of potential danger to your living space. Make sure to do this in front of the baby’s accomplices. When they ask why you would disable your smoke detectors, tell them they wake you up when you’re trying to smoke in bed.
STEP FOUR: Adopting a Large Dog
First of all, you should do this anyway because dogs are awesome and unlike a baby you can get a dog to stop crying by throwing some salami near its face. Now, for baby proofing purposes, not any dog is going to cut it. You’re going to want to adopt a dog that is large enough to conceivably devour a child (and let me emphasize that you should ADOPT the dog. Dog breeders are not always reputable and shelters are overcrowded as is. Please, have a heart.) When the sons of bitches are around who might taint your home with their evil garbage child, you may even want to create a nefarious back story for your new dog. Something along the lines of “Old Rufus here was on death row for mauling a toddler, but I petitioned the city to release him into my custody because I couldn’t bear to see him put down” should do the trick. If they don’t get the hint, or maybe if they are the type that isn’t easily put off by large dogs, make sure to set up a Google alert for any articles related to dogs mauling children, and email them any relevant literature with the subject line “Seems like the kid had it coming…”
STEP FIVE: Accounting for Neglect
Now, there are some people who would not bat an eye about letting their baby crawl around under the sink while they shoot the shit and tie one off with a buddy, and for these people no amount of cigarette smoke or electrical hazard or dog murder is going to stop them from bringing a baby into an unsafe environment. What you’re going to want to do with these people is appeal to their sense of neglect. “Wouldn’t it be more fun if we could hang out and get lit without that pesky baby crawling around, biting our ankles, and drooling on our cocaine?” “Yes.” they will say. “Maybe it would, but getting a sitter is HARD!” And here is where you explain to them that as long as a baby is in an enclosed area with enough food and water, and no other environmental dangers, it can practically babysit itself! What’s the worst that could happen? If you need to, help them build a pen in their own home with a food dish and a water bottle. Give the baby enough room to roam a little, but keep the space enclosed so escape is not an option. I would suggest chicken wire. Then, as long as the stove is off, your friend is home free to hang out without their annoying little shit monster constantly in tow.
STEP SIX: Digging a Moat
If all else fails, dig a moat. Babies can’t swim. And if they ever learn, may God help us all.
So there you have it! Six easy steps to make sure that your residence remains baby-free.*
*The author is not responsible if any babies break into or are killed in your home.