Faux News: Week in Review – week ending 2/23/2014

NH student studying abroad found dead in Italy. Italian court immediately convicts Amanda Knox based on “strong circumstantial evidence” and the fact that “she just looks guilty”.

"Are you F*%@ng kidding me?!" Knox reacts to latest charges

“Are you F*%@ng kidding me?!” Knox reacts to latest charges

by Scott Oddo

John Durkin, a 21-year old Bates College Student from New Hampshire who had been missing for days, was found dead on Saturday in a train tunnel near the Vatican according to Italian authorities. Durkin was among six Bates students participating in a study-abroad program through Trinity College in Connecticut.

The Italian government wasted no time investigating the case and immediately convicting Amanda Knox. Lead investigator Edgard Giobbi, said that even though Knox wasn’t in Italy at the time of Durkin’s death, there was “strong circumstantial evidence” to suggest that she was responsible. More importantly, Ms. Knox “showed no signs of remorse and did not act at all like someone who had just lost a friend.”

Ms. Knox’s attorney’s have already appealed the case based on the fact that all the physical evidence seems to indicate that Durkin was hit by a train. However, it is uncertain their appeal will be successful.

Netflix stock plunges after revealing that 5 million people are sharing one account.

Shares of Netflix stock plunged on Friday after the company revealed that 5 million people were sharing the same account. “We’ve been aware for a while that people will often share their account information with a friend or a family member but we had no idea of the full extent of the problem until recently” said Netflix spokesperson Jay Donohue. “We noticed that one username and password was almost constantly in use from thousands of different locations across the world. Clearly it couldn’t be one person”

It turns out that the account belonged to Shawn Carter who claimed to have no idea that so many people were using it. “I gave my account information to my brother Greg and one of my friends and I guess they went and gave it to their friends and the whole thing spun out of control. It’s probably because my friends are comedians and they don’t like to pay for anything.” The Netflix report showed that almost 97% of all comedians in North America were sharing Mr. Carter’s account. However the problem did not impact their network because the comedians were all watching the same programs: Breaking Bad, Bob’s Burgers, a Bill Burr special and Blackfish. Not only did they share the same tastes but apparently none of them had the attention span  needed to make it past the B’s when searching for something to watch.

Terrorists quietly watch the Olympics at home. Admit they were afraid of Putin and love figure skating.

The Sochi Olympics concluded this week without incident despite concerns of a possible terrorist attack from domestic terrorists in the North Caucus region or Russia. It turns out most of the terrorists were watching the Olympics at home like the rest of us. “We made a lot of threats but there was no way we were going to try anything. Putin is crazy. We may be barbaric at times but that dude is downright medieval” said Ansar al-Sunna. “We’re not afraid to die for our cause but we don’t want to get caught and end up in a Russian jail. At least in the West we would get a trial and a chance to make public statements and get attention. In Russia you just disappear. And if you get a trial they use the same judges as the Olympic figure skating. Russia wins, you lose”

Scott is a contributor for UnSceneComedy.com

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