Hell City, Chapter 13: “Finally! The Finale…”

t_vargulish_unsceneHell City

Chapter 13: Finally! The Finale…

Hell City is our weekly comic book type superhero detective noir thing by our good friend in LA, Tim!




The usual mix of vagrants and looky-loos hung out in the stairwell on the way to my office. One of my best frenemies, Jerry, looked up at me and smiled with a grin so toothy it’d make an alligator go to the dentist.

“Back so soon, Frank? Thought you were retiring.”

“A lot of people thought a lot of things, Jerry…

“Sometimes life throws you a curveball and sometimes you sit on the bench looking at the girl in the nosebleed section wondering why you didn’t propose when you had the chance.”

“That don’t make no sense, Frank.”

Hell City-13

“Yeah. That’s life.”

I sludged into my office like a pile of garbage on a three day weekend. I threw my hat onto what I thought was a hat rack but later turned out to be a stick I had found in the woods that I thought looked vintage. As I sat down I couldn’t resist picking up my souvenir snow globe that I won at a jerking-it contest down in Boca Raton. This snow globe was just like me. Shaken up but unwilling to change their lot in life. I didn’t solve the case… whatever the case was, I had kind of forgotten at this point. Also I’m pretty sure I’m a fugitive now which is really going to be hard to explain on my okcupid profile.

Faster than you can say dippity-spit a tall glass of water walked into my door. Holding that glass of water was an attractive woman named Mrs. Ginocolli.

“Well, well, well. As I live in breathe.” I said.

“I can see you’re breathing but are you really living, detective?” She responded as cooly as a camel smokes a ciggy. “So I suppose you figured it out by now haven’t you?”

“Yes. Um… I did?”

“You really don’t know do you?” She snapped back like a thing that snaps back.

“Listen toots, you either better drop some knowledge or drop some sass. Cause I don’t know what’s going on and I didn’t sign up for this crazy ride. I’m sick of this world!”

“Well you can call me Emily because up to this point I’ve been nothing but Blunt. I hired you to spy on my husband when in reality I knew exactly where he was going and what he was doing. Going by your permanent record which I obtained through the Patriot Act I knew you were the type of blustering dufus who would ruin their ritual and letting the demon loose on this world bringing about the apocalypse that would have turned this world into ash and cinder.”

“But why!? Why?! Why do such a cockamamie thing? Who hurt you? Who hurt you to lead you to do this?”

Mrs. Ginocolli stuck out her tongue. On it, clear as day, was a bite mark. “I did it. I bit my tongue.”

“I understand.”

“ I didn’t want to live with the pain. I wanted the world to suffer and feel just like my tongue.”

“Well you know this means I’ll have to bring you in right?”

Her eyes grew as wide as a weight-watcher on cheat day. She burst into a full sprint and leaped out my window.

She tumbled to the ground like she was falling in love with it then splattered like a Gallagher watermelon.

“Holy shit!” I screamed. I ran to the window and looked down. “That’s crazy! I mean she literally just jumped out the window and killed herself. I saw so much crazy stuff lately but this really, really surprised me.”

So what to do now?

The person who set me up just flew out the window like a dragon out of The Neverending Story. I’m wanted for multiple murders. Don’t have enough money to retire. It’s times like this you just got to laugh.

I pulled open my top drawer and took out a bottle of crystal Pepsi. I’ve been saving this for a special occasion like when I finally retired or have sex for the first time. Might as well drink it now, seems about as good a time as any.

I walked over to the window and looked at the body on the ground. Lucky ground. I looked up and saw several planes flying by. Military planes. One opened up it’s hatch and I could see it give birth to a nuclear bomb. Apparently the president never learned that the dimensional rifts were stopped and he was trying to erase Hell City to make sure no more creatures escaped.

It’s funny the things you think of when you’re waiting for oblivion. I remember when I was eleven years old I had a Lemonade stand. A rich gentleman bought a glass from me and spit in my face. He told me it was the worst beverage he ever tasted and that I wouldn’t go far in this world. Well he was right, I never did go far… but I went long Ma,… I went long…

– The End –




Like what you see? Tim also does a comic strip every Monday at www.thehiggsweldon.com and writes and illustrates his own kickass comic book, Goatman. Check it out here: Facebook.com/goatmancomics!

Tim is a contributor for UnSceneComedy.com

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