Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that set up Baron Davis and Laura Dern so you are all welcome. Here we are, at the last week of the regular season, and my chance at a .500 record is likely lost. I would need to go four games over this week and this week should barely even count because half of the teams are going to mail it in and nobody knows which teams those are except for Moloch the demon god of child sacrifice. We almost know who is going to be in the playoffs, but not quite, because as we all know there are SCENARIOS AFOOT. What are the scenarios? I don’t know. Could they affect you, directly? I doubt it unless you play for or own one of these teams (put your hand down Jerry Richardson I know you read the column but you don’t count anymore you big bitch.) I think the Seahawks can still get into the playoffs if Russell Wilson can find a clitoris on a Japanese sex doll, and I believe the Titans can still get in if Philip Rivers leaves eight of his kids in a hot car and has to go to jail. Those are the only certainties though. Everything else will come down to the old gods, and until we hear a loud humming and smell sulfur at around 7:30 PM ET on Sunday, nobody really knows who will be included in the final playoff picture. ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 5-8-2. As always, home team is in caps.

Cincinnati +9.5 vs. BALTIMORE This is likely Andy Dalton and Marvin Lewis’ last hurrah in the striped helmet so expect them to rally the troops, get the team fired up, and lose 13-6 in a game that everyone will wish they hadn’t watched.

DETROIT -6 vs. Green Bay I’m not sure why I’m laying the points here since Detroit has nothing to play for and lost to the fucking Bengals last week when they almost still did. Brett Hundley and Mike McCarthy I guess are the reasons. These two have done more to anger the obese than unsustainable standards of beauty and restrictive pants with “buttons” and “zippers.”

Buffalo -2 vs. MIAMI RIP Jay Cutler. It wouldn’t truly be Jay’s last game if I didn’t bet against him. I’ve got some fond memories of bad interceptions and even worse body language. He will be missed like an open receiver.

Carolina +4 vs. ATLANTA I keep going back and forth on this game because I truly don’t care. Sure, Atlanta at home sounds good, but Atlanta missing the playoffs ALSO sounds good. A beer sounds good too. I think I’ll have a beer. What were we talking about? The NFC South? Hahaha no, I would never talk about that.

New Orleans -6.5 vs. TAMPA BAY Oh goddammit. Jameis Winston keeps humiliating himself on the field and he keeps committing sexual assault off the field. Is there anything this kid can’t do??? Aside from catch a goddamned case I guess.

TENNESSEE -3 vs. Jacksonville Jacksonville is probably going to lay down for Tennessee so that they get to play Tennessee in the playoffs. Some would say that’s a dangerous game to be playing, but some would say an even more dangerous game to be playing is Murder Volleyball. Those people would be right.

NEW ENGLAND -14.5 vs. NY Jets It’s going to be cold as hell in New England on Sunday so I was thinking about taking the points here but the Jets QB is Bryce Petty and that is not the name of a quarterback that is the name of a racecar driver and unless I am betting on racecars anybody named Bryce Petty can pound sand.

INDIANAPOLIS -5 vs. Houston The Texans tried to play a guy named Taylor Heinicke at quarterback on Christmas Day and for that violation they were fined $150k and will forfeit a third round draft pick.

NY GIANTS +3 vs. Washington The Giants are going to be torn to pieces and sold for scrap this offseason, and while Washington should be as well, pretty much everyone in the building will keep their job so long as they go to Dan Snyder’s New Years Eve party and sing karaoke with him except they can’t sing Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” that’s Danny’s song and anybody who steals it gets sent to the Bad Room where the snakes live.

Chicago +11 vs. MINNESOTA It would be pretty funny if Chicago ended up winning another one and saving Jeff Fox’s job even though he has been openly building fly-fishing lures on the sidelines all season. If this game is coming down to a game winning Chicago kick I wouldn’t be surprised if Fox ices his own kicker.

Dallas -3 vs. PHILADELPHIA If Nick Foles’ progression against bad teams continues like it has, he should throw about 10 interceptions in this game, and by the divisional round of the playoffs he will be burning down the stadium and chaining the doors so that nobody can escape. And really, this is Philadelphia we’re talking about. Would it be SUCH a bad thing?

LA CHARGERS -8 vs. Oakland Cannot wait until the NFL owners take a large sip of coffee and tune into this game to see if they moved the correct team to Los Angeles.

SEATTLE -9 vs. Arizona Oh look it’s another bird game for my bird friend Adam the Human Bird. I would ask him what bird is better but everybody knows Cardinals are a bullshit bird because I can see them outside my house and I do NOT live in a good neighborhood. Any bird with self-respect would not be seen outside my house standing on the trash that got spilled on the ground by the old ladies looking for cans. Fucking red-ass pigeon. Is a seahawk even a real bird? We’ll never know, but I know I don’t have any standing on my garbage trying to act like they’re better than me.

Kansas City +3 vs. DENVER Patrick Mahomes might play in this game. If he throws for a bunch of yards and a bunch of touchdowns everyone is going to be screaming for him to start over Alex Smith and Andy Reid is going to spend his entire week sitting in the dark sucking on his gravy hose trying to avoid making that decision.

San Francisco -3.5 vs. LA RAMS MANGIA MANGIA IT’S JIMMY G THE FOOTBALL DONKEY!!! I heard that Christmas donkey song in a liquor store on Christmas Eve. It’s about Italians honing in on the birth of Christ by pretending there was an Italian donkey there and taking some kind of great pride in this? Paisans, you don’t have to shoehorn your way into the birth of Jesus you guys were very prominently involved in nailing him to a piece of wood until he was dead and some would argue that is more important than a donkey looking at a bastard baby in a shed.

LAST WEEK: 5-8-2 SEASON TOTAL: 109-113-15

Rich is a contributor for UnSceneComedy.com

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