Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that has not been known to cause dizziness or birth defects.
We are back from the dead, much like Jesus Christ himself. And just like Jesus Christ we have come back to make money illegally and say the F-word online. So let us fucking recap the fucking off-season real quick and then we can talk about the games and other things tangentially related to the games or even things that I may be reminded of after I type out one of the games that I don’t really want to talk about. As a caveat I did not follow football as closely as usual this off-season because I spent my summer reading about shipwrecks.
The Patriots won the Super Bowl again and then they went out and traded for a shit-load of guys and looked like an easy pick to win it all again but then Julian Edelman’s knee exploded and they forgot they need defensive ends so I don’t know. The Falcons blew the biggest Super Bowl lead of all time and spent all off-season being Not Mad About It At All Not Even A Little Mad. Kirk Cousins didn’t sign a long-term deal and his team President trashed him and called him Kurt after he had already trashed their well-respected GM for being an alcoholic. The Bears did very dumb things and John Fox would tell you what those things were if he could remember them but he’s gotta fuck off early to go bowling. Other players changed teams. Other teams changed coaches. One team changed cities! I think it was the Bengals. Pretty sure they sent them to I wanna say… Omaha. Anyway, whatever. I can figure that stuff out later. ON TO THE PICKS!
NEW ENGLAND -9 vs. Kansas City
Lot of stuff going on here. The Patriots are raising their fifth championship banner. Roger Goodell is taking in his first regular season game in Foxborough since Deflategate. Tom Brady is starting the season as a 40 year old under an intense microscope looking for any sign of decline. There is no shortage of compelling story-lines to choose fr- OH WHO AM I KIDDING WE’RE HERE TO CALL ANDY REID FAT!!!! THAT MOTHERFUCKER LOOKS LIKE WALTER WHITE GOT PAID IN LOS POLLOS HERMANOS! HE LOOKS LIKE THE PRESIDENT OF A POLICE UNION! HE LOOKS LIKE HE NEEDS AN MLB GROUNDS CREW TO GET HIS WINDBREAKER ON! HE’S LARGE I TELL YOU! Feels good to be back.
BUFFALO -9.5 vs. NY Jets
Hahaha already with this bullshit? The Jets are going to be the worst team in the league this year barring a series of improbable accidents and deaths. This is good news for Buffalo who gets to start the season with a win and pretend their new coach has made all the difference before they lose their next four and their city freezes and they remember that happiness and hope cannot survive in Buffalo.
Atlanta -7 vs. CHICAGO
This team gave Mike Glennon $19 million and then traded up for Mitch Trubisky, both in situations where they mostly seemed to be bidding against themselves. I wouldn’t give Mike Glennon $19 million if I was guaranteed to get $20 million back tomorrow. His head and neck look like Pennywise should be tying them to a sewer grate.
Jacksonville +5.5 HOUSTON
It feels wrong to bet against Houston after the recent *checks notes* hurricane, but it is also wrong to subject a tragedy-weary fanbase to the quarterback stylings of Tom Savage. Bill O’Brien is the real ogre here.
WASHINGTON +1 vs. Philadelphia
Ah, the least popular possible match-up in the NFC East. These teams are pretty similar to each other, in that they will repeatedly chuck the ball downfield with no rhyme or reason while hoping their own overmatched defensive backs can luck into an interception. Carson Wentz and Kirk Cousins get to vie for Jesus’ love but they don’t know that Satan gets to pick the NFL’s winners in odd-numbered seasons so winning this game actually means Jesus hates them. It sounds complicated but that’s just how these things work.
Arizona -2 vs. DETROIT
This is the game the Lions lose on a missed game-tying field goal that gives Arizona the tie-breaker and the last Wild Card spot. It’s only week one and any Lions fan would tell you this is 100% how their season plays out.
Oakland +2 vs. TENNESSEE
Instead of playing the game they should just have Derek Carr and Marcus Mariota smash their legs together to see whose healed stronger. My pick is Carr because he probably uses milk as a condiment.
CINCINNATI -3 vs. Baltimore
These teams will trade 80 yard touchdowns to start the game and it will still end up being like a 16-10 final because the first two touchdowns will make them scared like maybe ghosts did it or maybe all of the cheers of excitement will attract wolves.
Pittsburgh -9 vs. CLEVELAND
Ben Roethlisberger almost retired this year and even though I would be happy to have him out of the game, I would feel slightly cheated if I didn’t get to watch him die on the field. If Myles Garrett wants to make a name for himself in the NFL and win a spot in my heart, he could make a lot of progress this weekend.
Indianapolis +3.5 LA RAMS
Please cancel this game and let the Dolphins and Buccaneers play here instead. Thank you.
Seattle +3 vs. GREEN BAY
Seattle is going to win this game and then lose to the Rams in a few weeks because they like being moody and mysterious which is just Seattle code for being an asshole. I am also sick of everyone trying to pretend Mike McCarthy is a great coach because Aaron Rodgers has carried him to the playoffs for eight years in a row. He doesn’t have any running backs but he will run the ball on every goddamned first down and then Rodgers will have to make an impossible throw on 3rd and 15 to keep the drive alive. This dipshit was given the keys to a Ferrari and he uses it to beat red lights on the way to Burger King.
Carolina -5.5 vs. SAN FRANCISCO
I guarantee we see Kyle Shanahan call more run plays down 25 points than he did while blowing the largest lead in Super Bowl history. It’s incredible that he just gets to walk away from that and the Falcons organization has to sit in it for the rest of their lives. I wouldn’t have let him interview with another team until he got a 28-3 tattoo on his neck and then fell down some stairs while carrying a thin trash bag full of lightbulbs.
NY Giants +4 vs. DALLAS
Why does it feel like these teams play each other eight times a season and always on Sunday Night Football? I hope both of their owners drown. I bet Jerry Jones already has a plan for the patch the Cowboys will have to wear when he dies, except it probably isn’t even a patch. He’ll probably replace all of the names on the jerseys with JERRY and slap his decrepit face over the stars on the helmets. Then the Dallas Jerrys will go out and lose to Eli Manning in prime time and Eli will try to sell a regular old Cowboys helmet and pretend it was used in the game.
New Orleans +3 vs. MINNESOTA
Watch your nuts kids! It’s the Adrian Peterson Bowl! I guess you should always be mindful of your nuts, not just when these two teams are playing. Nut awareness is crucial to maintaining a healthy and balanced lifestyle.
LA Chargers +3.5 vs. DENVER
Ugh I can’t believe there are two teams in LA after residents made it abundantly clear for two decades that they did not give a shit if there was even one. And this team has to play in a soccer stadium. I say we start calling them The Soccer Boys instead of the Chargers because Phillip Rivers will probably think that sounds gay and I bet it would make him cry. At the very least it’s worth a shot.