Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that won’t stop listening to “I Know It’s Over” by the Smiths.
As I continue my dismal slide into nothingness, I’m left to wonder how my legacy will be carried on after I’m gone. This is America, after all, where you only exist as the amount of money in your bank account. When that’s gone, so are you. And what will I have to show for it? This fucking column? YEEESH. Although, I guess I deserve such a pathetic epitaph after what I’ve accomplished here. It is despicable and I am ashamed and if I had any children they would carry this shame with them like a birth defect passed down from generation to generation. Luckily, I am sterile from drinking too much Mountain Dew as an idiot child.
Despite my record, there have been some ACTUAL GOOD FOOTBALL GAMES this year! And that’s something we all can enjoy, despite the NFL’s insistence on profiting off of cancer promotions and not allowing players to honor their loved ones who died of, you know, cancer. Sure, the league operates like a hideous, oppressive, fascist regime led by a red-headed silver-spoon fuckface who hasn’t had to do dick in his entire life, BUT LOOK AT ALL THOSE OVERTIME GAMES!!! Who cares if it’s because almost every team sucks? Watching ineptitude is no fun if it is bland lack of execution, but watching teams fuck up spectacularly is always enjoyable as long as they’re not your own team or you didn’t bet a lot of money on them FUCK YOU BALTIMORE.
Regardless, I’m back for another week of punishment like a Republican Senator who just can’t help getting his balls stepped on by a woman with a larger penis than him. I can only try to get better, but I will make no promises, and more than likely disappointment will rule the day, which is my motto for every relationship I enter even with pets. Such is the life of a shiftless rogue. A renegade with nothing to gain and nothing to lose. An idiot with bad opinions and bad judgment.
ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 5-8-1. As always, the home team is in caps.
NEW ORLEANS +3.5 vs. Atlanta
DURRR I’M ATLANTA AND I’M 5-0 WATCH ME WIN FOOTBALL GAMES LIKE ANYBODY EVEN CARES. Fuck off Atlanta. New Orleans is garbage and they never win at home anymore but I don’t care because the Falcons said they were putting Julio Jones on a “pitch count” and if you use baseball lingo to describe anything that is happening in football then you deserve to lose to the godawful Saints and Drew Brees’ ragged corpse.
Baseball is the worst. Chase Utley broke a dude’s leg by purposely sliding directly at it and baseball fans were all “It’s part of the game! We can’t change the rules based on one play! Tradition! Guts! Unspoken rules!” This is a sport that piggy-backed steroid-era popularity and then changed those rules to make the game shitty again. Purposely spiking a guy’s leg is fine but watching your homeruns is grounds to be drilled by a 100mph fastball? Old white people are the fucking worst.
Denver -4.5 vs. CLEVELAND
I’ve thus far read three articles saying that Peyton Manning should walk away from the game “for his health” because everyone is too much of a coward to say he sucks to watch now. “Walk away Peyton! You can’t risk taking these hits! Think of the fat asshole children who have stuffed themselves with Papa John’s because your big idiot head makes them believe it will make them good at football!” Peyton Manning has been hit like six times in his career. If he feels a sack coming he just collapses like he’s a fucking skeleton and someone has just reversed a spell. Tell him to walk away because he’s brutal to watch and he should probably be ground up into a fine paste and fed to younger, more able quarterbacks who need the protein. This defense is pretty good though.
Cincinnati -3 vs. BUFFALO
Is. Andy. Dalton. For. Real. It’s only week six and I’m sick of that question already. HE IS STILL ANDY DALTON AND HE WILL STILL FIND A WAY TO FUCK THIS UP AND COUGH UP A FIRST ROUND BYE AND LOSE AT HOME TO A WILD CARD TEAM. They’ll probably do alright in Buffalo, because Tyrod Taylor might not play even though they’re saying he will which is either a bluff by Rex or a stupid thing to do to the poor kid’s knee. “Hell, we might have Joe Montana out there this week! I won’t rule anything out! With me you know there are no rules! Keep playing like there are no rules too! I want passion! I want punches thrown after the whistle! Take your dick out and piss on them if you have to boys THAT’S JUST LOVE OF THE GAME! TYROD GET YOUR HELMET ON!” *Taylor goes out and immediately shreds any semblance of a ligament that he has in his body* “GREAT HUSTLE GOTTA LOVE THAT PASSION!”
MINNESOTA -3.5 vs. Kansas City
Jesus. Speaking of shredded ligaments, RIP Jamaal Charles. It doesn’t pay to be an exciting player in the NFL anymore because you will inevitably do something horrible to your body. This is Charles’ second torn ACL, and it’s fucking depressing because he should have been one of everybody’s favorite players to watch and now if a Kansas City highlight ever comes on your TV you can bet it’s because Alex Smith got picked off on a bubble screen or Andy Reid was flagged for running onto the field after a seagull stole his sausage.
Houston PK JACKSONVILLE
Oh seriously fuck this game. Can we move the whole AFC South to England? Put the Jaguars in London, the Colts in Manchester and the Texans and Titans in… other towns in England? Let’s see how much JJ Watt’s wood-chopping intensity is appreciated there when he walks onto some old Lord’s land and starts whacking trees and gets the hounds released on him. Or put the Texans in Scotland where JJ’s tough guy intensity would be laughed out of every bar as the patrons whacked each other in the dicks with hammers. Full disclosure: I just assume every Scotsman is Groundskeeper Willie or Braveheart and either of them would fuck JJ Watt up and make him move into a real shack in the real woods without three kitchens. JJ Watt would be a woman in Scotland, which would make me, I don’t know, a cat? That sounds fine.
Chicago +3 vs. DETROIT
JEEEEEEEESUS how do we get a worse game than the one listed above? I don’t know what the fuck is going on with Detroit and Matt Stafford but I swear it has to be drugs. I think Jim Caldwell and Stafford sit in the locker room and shoot dope before every game because there is no other explanation for what the hell has happened to this offense. Caldwell has always had that spaced out look on his face, like he’s not sure where he is and kind of just wants to remain calm because he’s not sure he’s supposed to be there in the first place. After this Steve Sarkesian thing at USC I’m not ruling anything out. Jim, if you’re struggling, please get help. And Stafford, I know you needed to lose weight, but there are easier ways to get skinny that won’t ruin your life or make you play football like somebody dropped an anvil on your head (namely speed.)
NY JETS -6 vs. Washington
Could this be the year we see a Jets/Giants Super Bowl?! If that happened could they change the venue to Giants Stadium?! And if they do could they flood it and have the real Super Bowl in Santa Clara like they planned?!!
Arizona -3 vs. PITTSBURGH
I don’t think it matters if Sloth Roethlisberger plays this week, Arizona’s defense should fuck up the Steelers and make their fat idiot fans cry, and then they’ll probably call into the radio and ask why Lev’e’o’n Bell isn’t their full-time quarterback. Also two Steelers players were denied the ability to honor their dead parents’ memory because the NFL is run by shitbags who find tiny uniform violations abhorrent but will continue to let Ndamukong Suh kick people in the head. “IF WE LET YOU WEAR PINK SOCKS AFTER OCTOBER THEN EVERYONE WILL WANT TO WEAR PINK SOCKS AFTER OCTOBER AND WHERE WILL THE MADNESS END???? GIVE US $50,000 MOTHERFUCKER AND I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EVER HIT A WOMAN I BETTER NOT SEE THE TAPE OF IT!!!”
Miami +2.5 vs. TENNESSEE
Speak of the devil, it’s Suh’s awful very bad mess of a team! I honestly think they’ll win this game though, and then they’ll think everything is fixed. And then they’ll lose the rest of their games. And then they’ll have the number one pick in the draft and have to figure out whether they should keep the asshole quarterback they just gave a ton of money to or draft someone new. And then they’ll draft a disappointing offensive lineman who they think will solve their problems but certainly won’t. WOOOOO DOLPHINS!!!! Also their new coach is such an asshole meathead that his appendix burst on a plane and he didn’t even tell anybody about it because “GRRRR MEDICINE CAN’T CURE BEING A PUSSY!!!” I bet he hits himself in the head with his clipboard at least once during this game.
SEATTLE -6.5 vs. Carolina
Carolina has gone to Seattle and gotten their dicks bitten off several times over the past few years so I’m not going to assume anything different is going to happen until the Panthers are finally the ones that do the dick biting.
GREEN BAY -10.5 vs. San Diego
People are talking about the Patriots’ potential to go undefeated, but has anybody looked at the Packers’ schedule? If they get by Denver next week then it pretty much looks like a Week 15 game against the Cardinals is all that could trip them up. That is, as long as somebody locks Mike McCarthy in a closet or distracts him with some sort of laser, so long as they don’t shine the laser on the play-sheet because then he might get an idea and try to do something disastrous. I think Aaron Rodgers needs to download that 50 hours of K-Mart music the dude put online and pipe it into McCarthy’s headphones for the rest of the season. “Why do these play-calls remind me of my pants?” he’ll wonder. And then he will spend the rest of the game looking at his pants.
Baltimore -2.5 vs. SAN FRANCISCO
New England -7.5 vs. INDIANAPOLIS
ANNNNNNND HEEEEEERRRREEE WEEEEEEE GOOOOOOOO. The game that only people in New England have been waiting for and literally every other football fan has been dreading. Not that I’m not dreading it too. I will watch this game with the sound off and my fingers in my ears and I will avoid every pre-game show like a fucking milk-eyed man on the bus because I don’t want to hear SHIT about what happened between the Super Bowl and the beginning of this season. All I want is to see destruction. I want to see pure hatred manifest itself into a football game. I want this game to be wrath incarnate. I want to watch the children of Indianapolis weep. I want a “Rains of Castamere” to be written about this game (FUCKIN’ NERD ALERT!)
But if I’m being honest? The Patriots won’t give that to us. It will be just another game. Maybe a 10 point win, since Indianapolis hasn’t really shown up to a game this year, and the Pats are just a better team. Maybe it will be even closer since New England’s offensive line is missing a key piece and their defensive backs remain untested. But instead of being the type of air-it-out, go-for-the-throat, curb-stomping that everyone is expecting… this is probably just going to look like another football game. I think that’s part of the Patriots’ trolling of the NFL this season. I think they would rather win by one and say “a win’s a win” than put up 80 and then toss all of the Colts’ shit into a van and drive it back to Baltimore. I don’t think the Colts can keep it too close with a garbage offensive line and an injured Andrew Luck, but I bet this game is a lot closer than everybody expected it to be. Then everyone will just hate the Patriots even more and Belichick will go back to fucking your mom. Why do you think he hasn’t been in a grocery store in years? He has your mom do all of his shopping and he tells her not to wear panties while shes doing it.
PHILADELPHIA -4 vs. NY Giants
Oh what the fuck there’s another game this week? AND IT’S AN NFC EAST GAME??? WHY DO WE ALLOW THIS??? WHY AREN’T THESE GAMES TELEVISED EXCLUSIVELY IN PRISONS??? I swear, even in Boston, I honestly don’t think anybody likes football jerseys as much as Eagles fans. Here you’ll see plenty of Patriots jerseys on game days, and a handful on days when they aren’t playing and somebody just ran out of laundry or has to wander outside to collect their unemployment check, but holy shit Eagles jerseys. I see probably one a week DURING THE OFFSEASON around here. And a surprising amount of them are Deuce Staley and James Thrash jerseys. I can only assume these men and women are wearing them because that’s the jersey their father died in.
LAST WEEK: 5-8-1 *coffin lid creaks closed*
SEASON TOTAL: 29-45-3