Well you lazy unoriginal slob, I’m here to tell you. Although the summertime is meant for enjoying the outdoors in the most festive way possible, there is an incredible amount of hot sticky downtime you must deal with. This week I’ll teach you how to peel yourself off the couch and stick yourself to a much sexier couch until the cooling rays of moonlight arrive. That’s how it works, don’t ask me, ask a moon scientist.
You don’t have air conditioning in your house, maybe you don’t even have it in your car. You know what you do have? A car with the ability to roll down the windows, and a car that can go highway speeds and blast you in the face with fresh air. Sure, this might seem like a waste of gasoline, and it’s probably bad for the environment, but it’s the summertime. None of the rules apply.
Now that you are cruisin’ down the highway taking in America in all its splendor you need a rocking sound track. There are plenty of options but by far, the best thing to listen to is the music of Bob Segar. If you aren’t familiar with the work of Mr. Segar I’ll describe him as such:
If you need anymore convincing of the power of Bob Segar, remember his music is single handedly responsible for the career of Tom Cruise.
If you want something a little hipper than Bob Segar, then put on The Hold Steady. The Hold Steady are a band that sound like your drunk uncle, if chronic alcoholism hadn’t destroyed his ability to appreciate poetry. Man, I just realized I could just write comedy articles where I explain how bands sound using metaphors about all the male role models in your life.
Anyway, if you don’t have a car you can still go for a ride with the wind in your hair. Just get on a city bus and tell them if they slow down below 55mph you will get on the phone and call your good friend Keanu Reeves and he’ll get on the bus but he won’t have the fair and he’ll have to beg the other passengers for change, but Keanu always pays his debts so he’ll repay the other passengers by acting out their favorites scene from the movie speed with them.
At some point you are going to run out of gas so you’ll need something else to do. A classic sweaty summer day activity is seeing a movie. Movie theaters are air conditioned, dark, cavern like spaces that can provide hours of entertainment. The main problem with movie theaters is that its hot out for like 14 hours a day and the typical hollywood movie is only 90-93 minutes long, 95 minutes if you stay for the post credit scene that teases the sequel you already know is coming.
The best solution to this is to think of a movie theater like an amusement park. A ticket to an amusement park doesn’t get you on one ride and then you have to leave. You can go on the rides all day till it closes. So treat a movie ticket the same way. Big budget Hollywood films are a cancer on the artistic medium known as film, but at the same time are so goddamn entertaining its a crime not to watch them. So the best I can figure is pay for one out every four you see.
This makes for a fun, action packed day at the theater. And if you get hungry, movie theaters offer concessions that are way to big too finish so don’t be afraid to eat out of the trash. Once someone tosses out that bag of popcorn it belongs to the universe and if you are like me, you clearly see yourself at the center of the universe. You can also wash it off with the hot buttered butter substitute that most theaters provide for no charge.
A great variation on this would be going to porno theater, but unfortunately most porno theaters have gone out of business thanks to The Internet. Are you happy The Internet? You killed the porno theaters and made it possible for any idiot to get famous by providing them an open forum to post all the meaningless content other idiots can consume. Just make sure it’s what the idiots want and make sure there are plenty of jokes about Hawaiian shirts and Tom Waites singing voice. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT THE INTERNET???
…Another great way to beat the heat is going to your local public swimming pool. It’s your civic duty to use public pools. Speaking of duty don’t be afraid of the germs. There is so much chlorine in these pools it is sure to kill any bacteria in there. If you don’t believe me, just as recently as a few years ago, a woman was found dead at the bottom of a public pool. Her body was there for days before anyone noticed so people were swimming around her for days and none them had any negative health effects. Some would say they are even more healthy since there is a possibility they absorbed her essence. Thats really all I have to say on this subject…
Anyway, next week we’ll discuss a tragedy in plain sight, but this time it will be something that happened at night.