Week 0
Hi there, thanks for reading this. Are you ready to laugh? I hope so because I’ve decided to write a comedy article about depression.
…My depression to be more specific. But if you want to talk about yours, thats cool too. Let’s just not do it here. Anyway, maybe you know me, or maybe you don’t, or maybe you only know me from my other hilarious articles on this site. You know the ones I’m talking about, the ones where I expose Shawn Carter and Rich Karski as the intellectual frauds that they are. Lets get passed that negativity. This article is all about positivity.
If you are familiar with me at all you have probably thought to yourself… ‘That Ted Pettingell sure is an odd fellow, I wonder what his deal is?’ Or… ‘That Ted Pettingell sure is a dick, I wonder what his deal is besides being a huge dick.’ Well, I’m here to tell you what my deal is. I am sad, almost all the time.
I’m sure some of you just said out loud, “Well, obviously.” And yeah, obviously. Over the past 10 years lots of people have tried to get me to see a doctor or seek some sort of counseling, and as of a week ago, your decade of nagging has finally paid off. Last week I went to see a doctor about all the feelings I have all the time. I was given a diagnosis of depression and generalized anxiety disorder… or something similar, I don’t know I wasn’t really paying attention. It’s not as cool as the diagnosis I was hoping for, which was “mad hatter.”
Seems legit. (via pinterest.com)
The Negative
Hey, thanks for sticking with me this far. Now, objectively I have a very good life. I realize this. There are several people who love and care about me. I’ve never had anything terrible happen to me. I’ve really never faced any real hardship at all. And still some how I am the saddest person I know, and I can’t tell you how depressing that is. The way I would describe it is like this, at some point in the day, almost everyday of my life, I am hit with a wave of sadness. Its like when you are the beach and you are in the water and you get hit by a wave that knocks you down, but instead of water, the wave is made of all your dreams that have died.
It really is a shame because people keep telling me how I can be a really great person. But at the same time I am often overwhelmed with the most negative emotions. Which has led me to often act as negatively as possible. And as a result people have actually said the following things to me, “No, Ted you really are a nice guy, once you get to know you, it just really hard to get to know you” and, “Ted you are the most likable guy I have ever met that is trying to be the most unlikable guy I have ever met” and, “Ted, you charming dickhead.”
I have a very specific charisma. Anyway, my inability to deal with my shit has let me to sabotage opportunities and friendships and all sorts of other things. And thinking about that is just another thing that makes me feel awful.
The Positive
Ooo boy, did you make through that last part? It got pretty rough there towards the end, and the beginning and the middle, really the whole thing was a sad rambling mess. I’m sorry for that. And that’s the first positive thing. I am sorry. And I’m using this article to solicit anonymous gay sex any one who feels that I owe them an apology. So, if I was rude or mean or did something else dickish to you, let me know and I will provide you with anonymous gay sex an apology.
The next positive thing is that I acknowledge that there are plenty of people in my life who care about me deeply and for some reason put up with my insufferable face. Thank you.
The next thing is that I am finally seeking the help I so desperately need. Last week I went to a doctor with an unpronounceable name and talked about my feelings and was given a bottle of unpronounceable nerve tonic.
I think this is one I’m on. (via ebay.com)
And hopefully that is the first step in turning me in to the out of control freight train of success I know I can be, or at the very least a human being that can bare the existential weight that is slowly driving most of us insane.
Stay Positive.
