The breeze rolled gently into Bull’s Helm and the flame of the torches danced seductively in the night’s air. The mood, for once, was a joyous one. The war had ended and the evening’s hunt was successful.
King Stonebrick rose from his throne grasping a boar’s tusk in his scarred, but sturdy hands. The raucous hall went into deep silence in preparation for the King’s word. The only sound that could be heard was that of Lord Rugsword clumsily spilling his chalice onto the floor.
The crowd turned quickly expecting to see Stonebrick’s scowl, but they found a smile. It seemed that nothing could spoil the revery.
“My kingdom…” the king boomed, “is finally a happy one. We have conquered our enemies and we have slain enough meat to last ’til solstice!”
His audience responded with joyous cheers. He drank it in for a moment before he continued.
“May each warrior find a woman to take to bed tonight!”
The air immediately began to seep from the room. Sir Josh stood from his chair.
“Permission to speak your Highness?
“Ahhh, Josh, my finest champion. Of course you have permission to speak.”
“About that last thing you said… It really seemed like you were making women into objects. An effort should be made to avoid that.”
“Sir Josh, I assure you that was not my intention. I merely meant a, like, ‘oh, hope we all get laid tonight’ type of thing.”
Josh decided not to press his luck further and took a seat.
Stonebrick paused briefly then regained his momentum.
“Okay, if there is nothing left to be said, let us feasts on the sluts in front of us.”
Maiden Teethface stirred but before she could speak, her King cut her off.
“Alright, I literally meant female pigs. It was admittedly poor word choice. Everyone relax a little bit. It’s me! It’s “2 Quick” Stonebrick. You know I’m cool. Let’s just enjoy our meal and toast to beating the Chinese.”
Various Lords and Ladies rose in front of tables throughout the hall.
“Come on guys! We had a war with the Emperor of China. The people we fought were Chinese.”
Lord Rugsword interjected.
“Ya, but there’s something about the way you said it man. It’s like you’re saying ‘those fucking Chinese, we got them good’.”
Stonebrick, red from anger, wasnt without retort.
“Rugsword, I personally saw you kill Chinese guys!”
“Well, I kind of wish I hadn’t now. You’re really creeping us out.”
“Ya well you’re a drunk piece of shit.”
Everyone’s faces expressed great shock. To their dismay, the rant had only just started.
“And Maiden Teethface,we get it. You read Gilgamesh. Like 7 other stories have been released since then. And Sir Josh? Do you really need someone to paint a picture of you every time you exercise? No one cares that you work out, you fucking scum bag.”
The horror! They had never seen their King behave like this!
“And you know what? I’m the greatest king ever! Look at this robe. I look so good! I killed a Chinese guy last month and he used his last words to tell me how nice it was. I won that war. I won three fucking wars! There’s a painting on the roof of me winning them. What are you going to paint over that? No way. That’d take crazy amounts of energy. You’d need to get ladders and paint. I have to use death threats to get the grass cut, you think someone’s going to initiate a reclamation art project on their own? Fuck all of you! I’ma drop this tusk and I’m out.”
The King dropped that fucking tusk and was very well out. Coincidently or not, the fire in the torches were extinguished by the wind.
