Drunken Beer Fan Fiction by Ted Pettingell

The hopefully weekly column where Ted drinks a bunch of beer and writes a story about the label artwork on the beer. Will it go off the rails? Probably. Will it be funny? Lets hope so. Will Ted enjoy drink beers for his “Art?” Of course. Is he drunk already now? WHUT R U LOOKIN AT?!?!?GVJL.HUJBDHFIS/LP”;



Beer: Chocolate Sombrero
Brewery: Clown Shoes
Style: Chocolate Stout/Imperial Stout
ABV: 9%


Mexico’s greatest Luchedore, know as the Chocolate Sombrero was in the fight of his life. Not with his ring nemesis Carlos the Cocaine loving donkey, but with the Hombres de la muerte. The Hombres had tracked Sombrero to the Alamo. They were here to collect an old gambling debt, a debt Sombrero was not going to pay. For years no one dared cross the Hombres de la Muerte, they were known for their brutality and complete lack of compassion, also they were giant anthropomorphic chili peppers.


“Get out here Sombrero” yelled Doug, the leader of the Hombres.

“No Dice Doug, we’re North of the Border, this isn’t your territory,” responded Chocolate Sombrero.

“You think we give a damn about territory,” Doug shouted back, “Get out here and we’ll let you die quick.”


I should say right now this is all a rough translation into english. There were a lot of Spanish curse words mixed in that don’t really have an english equivalent. If I had to get as close to translating it as possible I would say they kept calling each other, “the hole you mother takes semen into that you were also birthed out but is not her vagina, but surprisingly also not her asshole.” It sounds much prettier in Spanish, its also only two syllables.


Perhaps I should get into some back story here,

Before he was Chocolate Sombrero he was just Chocolate Jerry Ortega, a young street punk who grew up in Baja California (Which according Taco Bell means Ranch Dressing California). 


He was the son of a deaf prostitute and Jose the cocaine loving donkey, yes, unbeknownst Sombrero his rival in the ring, Carlos, was actually his half brother. Anyway, back then chocolate Jerry was just a boy making his way hustling who ever he could.  Through a series of events far to unbelievable for me to describe here he ended up in a Casino run by The Hombres De La Muerte. After taking them for a small fortune in Old Mexico Hold ’em (what they call Texas hold ‘em) Chocolate Jerry was asked to join a poker game for high rollers. After dealing a humiliating defeat to Doug, chocolate Jerry became the most wanted man in Mexico. Thusly, he went underground and became the Chocolate Sombrero.


He avoided detection for ten years, while simultaneously rising to the rank of Champion of Mexican wrestling. Then one fateful night he defeated his rival Carlos the Cocaine Loving Donkey, and the ring announcer asked Chocolate Sombrero if this was his greatest victory. He responded, “No, ten years ago I defeated a giant organized crime pepper in a poker game and I took him for all he was worth.


And in that second, Chocolate Sombrero knew the jig was up. All it took was a momentary lapse in concentration and he let his secret life be known. Sure, there could have been other people who had to go on the run after defeating a different Mafia Chili, but what were the odds? Sombrero knew he needed to get to the safety of the United States. The only way to do so was with the help of a Coyote. That is when you take so many drugs you hallucinate that you are riding a giant coyote across the boarder.


Two days later Sombrero woke up in the United States a dehydrated sticky mess. He thought he was safe at this point. This illusion was shattered when he saw three particularly well dressed Chili Peppers walking down the street towards him. He headed for the first place he could see, The Alamo.


Hoping to exploit Doug’s crippling fear of anti-heights he looked for the basement. Only then was he informed that there is no basement in the Alamo and his bike must be somewhere else. Wait what, that’s a different story.


Needless to say, things got a little weird. (via swamplot.com)

Needless to say, things got a little weird. (via swamplot.com)


Anyway, Sombrero barricaded himself in the Alamo.  The Hombres De La Muerte surrounded the building, ALL THREE OF THEM. EVERYONE KNOWS THE ALAMO IS A TRIANGLE.

Doug shouted, “get out here Jerry, you’re going to pay for embarrassing me.”

Now I know earlier I said Sombrero owed a debt to Doug and this must seem like some continuity error on my part and I’ll tell you to shut up.  I’m the omni impotent narrator.

Sombrero responded, “it doesn’t have to be like this Doug. just give me a chance.”

“What kind of chance,” asked Doug?

“Let me show you,” Sombrero yelled back.

“Okay,” said Doug.


The Sombrero exited the Alamo and then one by one seduced all of the Hombres de la Muerte. After he made love to each and everyone of them they were so smitten, that they forgave him and let him go on with his life.

While they put on a good face, Doug's marriage never quite recovered from the incident. (via pinterest.com)

While Mr. and Mrs. Hombres de la Muerte put on a brave face, their marriage never quite recovered from the incident. (via pinterest.com)


The Chocolate Sombrero would go on to be Mexico’s longest reigning Wrestling Champion in history. He held the title till his death, which occurred during a Pepsi Drinking contest.


And that’s why you should drink this beer. Four Stars! Come back next week when I review another beer for yet another exciting story.

Ted is a contributor at UnSceneComedy.com. Ted loves comedy. He hates writing short Bios about himself. Ted is very good at comedy. He is not very good at writing his Bio. Ted is constantly working on his comedy. Ted rarely works on writing his Bio. Ted tell his jokes at all the major clubs in Boston. Ted writes his Bio on his home computer. Ted has appeared in several comedy festivals. His Bio has not. Ted was the Comic in Residence at the Comedy Studio in December 2010. His Bio took the month off to spend time with family. Lets review Comedy Good, Bios Bad.

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