Welcome to the Conference Championship Edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that isn’t afraid to admit that wearing high heels makes it feel sexy.
IT’S CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND MOTHERFUCKER (I assume there’s only one of you left. And if it’s you Greg, then I’m sorry about your son. I didn’t know he was a hemophiliac.)
Oh god, this means there are only three games left in the season. And this means that we’re only three weeks away from all of those idiot baseball shitheads doing their whole “PITCHERS AND CATCHERS PITCHERS AND CATCHERS” bullshit. “Do you think the boys have what it takes this year? WELL, I REALLY LIKE OUR BULLPEN!” GOTOHELLGOTOHELLGOTOHELL! Baseball just ended yesterday. I would rather watch the scary guy on the train sticking dirty fingers into his milky eye than watch one second of spring training baseball. So cherish these last three games. Pretty soon you’re going to have to start betting on college basketball and losing your ass because you neglected to spend enough time checking an eighteen year old’s Twitter statuses to decipher whether or not he got drunk or laid the night before the game. Get out of here basketball, you dickhead.
Last week we had some really great games, which was a relief because I was concerned we’d see three blowouts and one close game that was sloppily played and more boring to watch than two baseball players discussing their interests (YOU LOVE COUNTRY MUSIC AND SKOAL TOO?! WHAT CHURCH DO YOU GO TO?!) Instead we got one absolute classic, one controversial decision that cost a team a game, one closer-than-it-looked game decided by brilliant quarterback play, and one game highlighting Peyton Manning’s potential demise. I don’t see this week beating last week for entertainment value unless maybe a dog runs onto the field during the game and steals the football and scores a touchdown. GOOD JOB MR. SPARKY! WHO HAS MORE YARDS PER CARRY THAN TRENT RICHARDSON. YOU DO MR. SPARKY! GOOD BOY!
The New England/Baltimore game was fucking fantastic. A couple of big comebacks, mostly great quarterbacking, and John Harbaugh crying and pissing his pants because he was bad at his job. Just another feather for the Ravens to stick in their Victim Cap which is what they all wear when they commit crimes against actual victims in the real world. “Give me the hat T-Sizzle! My gardener has been over-watering my hydrangeas and I’m calling some boys down from Philly to help me teach him a lesson!” I bet when football teams were coming up with dumb slogans for the beginning of their season the Ravens’ slogan was “She Had It Coming” until Roger Goodell crossed it out with a black sharpie and pretended he never saw it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Fuck you Baltimore. YOU LOST.
Seattle didn’t exactly blow Carolina out in the way that I had figured, but GOD DAMN if Russell Wilson didn’t show the world his dick. And the world saw the dick. And the world declared the dick was good. The most overused stat of the week was Wilson being 8/8 for 199 YDS and 3 TD on third down. It was used so much that it became devoid of all meaning. Like when you say “briefcase” so many times that it stops being a tangible thing and just turns into an amalgamation of sounds that your brain won’t let leave your head because you’re being punished for something that your parents did and you had no say in. ANYWAY, don’t let those numbers float off into the ether. They’re amazing. Russell Wilson is amazing. We all loved seeing his dick.
Dallas got pretty fucked (legitimately though!) against the Packers by that catch reversal on Dez Bryant. But when you weigh the pros and cons of it:
- PROS- The NFL continues to look incompetent which could force changes in rule structures or leadership. The Cowboys lost in heartbreaking fashion.
- CONS- I see no downside to this!
In Sunday’s second game: IS THIS THE LAST WE’VE SEEN OF PEYTON MANNING??? No. Probably not. He threw for 39 touchdown passes this year, which is more than Cam Newton and Russell Wilson combined. Did he suck for a few weeks? Sure. Did he suck REALLY BAD last week? Double sure. I’m still not buying into the fact that he’s done though. Maybe he’s done in Denver, but he had the fucking FOURTH BEST quarterback rating in the league this year. And if he gave a shit about his body he wouldn’t have come back three years ago after he needed to have his spine zip-tied back together. No, we’re stuck with Peyton and his stupid forehead for at least one more year and Brock Osweiler is going to have to sadly burn all those new business cards he had made up.
Howard Finkel voice* Lades and gentlemen. Now introducing… YOUR CON-FER-ENCE CHAAAMPIONSHIP GAAAAAAAAAAAAMES!!!! On to the picks! Last week’s picks were one fucking Green Bay two-point conversion from going 4-0, but I had to settle for 3-1 like some kind of schmuck. As always, home teams are in caps.
Green Bay +7.5 vs. SEATTLE
I took the points when the Packers went to Seattle in the first game of the season and it really bit me in the ass. You’re supposed to learn from your mistakes, but LEARNING IS FOR THE WEAK. I get that Green Bay has been terrible on the road, and Seattle is a scary team at home, but I’m not laying more than a touchdown in this fucking game.
I know I just suggested that you bet the Packers, but is there a coach you could have less confidence betting on in a big game than Mike McCarthy? He’s like something Andy Reid would sweat out after a big meal. I think this line is too high, but goddammit if Seattle has a seven point lead with three minutes left and I have to watch McCarthy stare at his play sheet like a nine year old who found his first Hustler under his dad’s bed I’m probably going to lose my mind. He’s over there trying to figure out where the balls are supposed to go while Pete Carroll already knows they go in the 18 year old co-ed’s mouth after you fly her and her friends down to Coachella.
HOWEVER, Aaron Rodgers is not a man who makes mistakes, and that’s how you beat this Seahawks defense, or at the very least keep the game close and for gambling purposes that’s all we need. Russell Wilson has thus far been one of the greatest playoff quarterbacks of all time, but his receivers are kind of just a bunch of guys they found at the bus station and asked to get in a van and they thought they were going to go do porn but instead ended up in the NFL. Without a few turnovers I think this game will stay close, and the Packers may even be able to win, and then we’ll get to see Mike McCarthy throw his hands up on a six second delay like a chubby kid in the stands that was too busy digging out the last of his Milk Duds to realize the Wave was coming around.
NEW ENGLAND -6 vs. Indianapolis
Sorry, am I supposed to be writing an NFL column? Because I was busy watching this LIVE SEA OTTER CAMERA!!! How the hell am I supposed to focus on anything else when I can just look at sea otters whenever I want? SORRY ADDERALL YOU’VE MET YOUR MATCH!
Okay, fine, AFC Championship game. Right. Well, I hate to be overconfident about the Patriots’ chances (especially after four years ago against Mark Fucking Sanchez) but if the Pats don’t smash the Colts like so many helpless clams on their favorite special belly rock, then I will be shocked. Frankly, the Patriots OTTER win this game if they can out-MUSSEL the Colts at the line of scrimmage. In an effort to make this column more family friendly I have refrained from making references to how certain species of clams look like a pathetic white dick protruding from an unruly tea kettle. So ignore that reference I just made. Focus on the otters.
I have no reason to believe Andrew Luck can stay within 20 points of the Patriots until he actually does it. It’s very difficult to blow out the same team twice in one season, but what did Indy show anyone defensively against the Bengals and Broncos other than that they copied the Patriots pretty well? Barring some OTTER-worldly meltdown by New England, they should win this game comfortably. And the NFL better hope that they do. Because as admirably as Andrew Luck has played this season, he does not have a team around him that can contend with the likes of the Packers or Seahawks. Maybe he can pull off another upset this weekend, but if he does, once he gets to the Super Bowl you might say the Colts will be… OTTER LUCK!