Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that functions as currency in America’s prisons.
I’M BACK MOTHERFUCKERS! After an abysmal week and much debate over whether I should give up gambling and join one of those cults where you’re only allowed to eat apple sauce and crackers, I pulled out my best week of the season and got myself back above .500. Sure, it was all blind luck, and about six of those games could have turned on a single play, but it was MY luck and I earned it so go to hell.
To be honest, the reason I did so well this week was because nothing too surprising happened. Well, except for Pittsburgh. What the FUCK, Pittsburgh? Ben Roethlisberger went from being the best quarterback in the history of the sport to making Steelers fans wish they could have benched him and put in Geno Smith. They weren’t the only AFC North team to completely fuck the proverbial chicken, as Andy Dalton put up one of the worst games by a QB in modern history in a loss to the Browns. Now the Browns are in first place. The Browns! These organizations should be ashamed of themselves.
The Patriots were also big winners on Sunday, despite not playing a game, because Miami and Buffalo lost and now everyone gets to stop talking about how Miami and Buffalo are threats to take the AFC East. I’m not saying this because I’m convinced the Pats will lay waste to their opponents and run away with things, I’m saying this because I expect these teams to keep losing in spectacular fashion.
Elsewhere around the NFL, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA the NFC South. New Orleans is going to win this division at 7-9 and then host the Seahawks in the Wild Card round and get revenge for the Beast Mode Game. Or they’re going to lose at home to the Cowboys or something. The AFC South is not much better but nobody cares because it’s not the SEC West. Aaron Rodgers showed all of Chicago his dick and they had to look at it and remark on what a nice dick it was even if they didn’t want to, and Peyton Manning beat up on an Oakland team that might be too dumb to pass on Jameis Winston with the number one pick.
Week 11 should be more exciting, with FIVE potentially good games! What did we do to deserve such luxury?! Anyway, ON TO THE PICKS. Last week’s picks went 10-3-0. As always, home team is in caps.
Buffalo +5 vs. MIAMI
This line should be 3 and everyone knows this line should be 3 and I’m concerned because this line is not 3. I’m taking the Bills anyway because Brandon Albert is out and Buffalo’s defensive line abused Alex Smith so badly last week that he convinced himself it was his fault and wants to give them a second chance. Miami didn’t handle Detroit’s line so well either, so this could be another long day for Ryan Tannehill who is turning into a less punchable Andy Dalton. Maybe Miami wins this game, but I don’t think they cover. This game could be a 0-0 tie and that’s exactly what Roger Goodell deserves for scheduling these Thursday night games and making me get my damn column in a day earlier than I should have to.
CLEVELAND -3 vs. Houston
It’s a battle of former Tom Brady backups OHMIGORSH! I watched Ryan Mallett play a decent amount in the preseason and unless Bill O’Brien is a wizard I don’t think he’s going to be very successful. And if Bill O’Brien IS a wizard he should be tried and burned at the stake because we can’t be having our children exposed to black magic or soon they’re going to start worshiping Satan and Glenn Danzig is going to be all “I was worshiping Satan before it was cool” and if Bill O’Brien turns Glenn Danzig into a hipster I’m going to fly to Houston and kick him in his wizard dick.
CHICAGO -3 vs. Minnesota
If the Bears can’t win this game at home Chicago fans are going to resurrect HH Holmes and rebuild his murder castle just so he can dispose of Jay Cutler and Marc Trestman without issue. Of course then they’re stuck with Jimmy Clausen who is America’s bratty little brother. If you thought Jay Cutler was a sullen, petulant asshole, then the Jimmy Clausen era is really going to put things in perspective. I bet Clausen made his parents buy him a Lexus and hire the Red Hot Chili Peppers for his sixteenth birthday party and then spent the whole party pouting because they wouldn’t change the lyric “Dream of Californication” to “Happy Birthday Jimmy Clausen.”
GREEN BAY -4.5 vs. Philadelphia
The Packers look like a completely different team at home and by that I mean they look like a good football team at home and not a perplexingly awful one. It might be smart for someone on the Eagles to cover Jordy Nelson in this game. I know he’s white and defenses are probably just giving him a break by letting him run free, but that kind of reverse affirmative action is what allows coaches’ kids to keep making NFL rosters and getting Gregg Easterbrook horny. Stopp makingg Gregg Easterbrookk hornyy.
Seattle +2 vs. KANSAS CITY
Kansas City ripped the hearts out of the Bills last week, and Andy Reid ripped the hearts out of Buffalo citizens by eating every last buffalo wing in town before he left and then salting the earth so no buffalo wing will ever grow there again. Seattle looks like they might be coming out of a funk, and despite a couple of impressive wins I’m not sold on the Chiefs.
I think after lucking into last week’s win and taking control of the AFC Wild Card race, this is the perfect game for Andy Reid to give away with awful clock management. Somebody needs to explain that the game clock isn’t the same as a microwave and you don’t always want it to finish as quickly as possible.
Atlanta +2 vs. CAROLINA
Ugh, go away. Cam Newton was getting beat to shit on Monday and Ron Rivera left him in the game because apparently Cam had sex with Ron’s teenage daughter. Oh no, that wasn’t it. It was to “find his rhythm.” If Rivera keeps his job then I’m assuming Carolina doesn’t view Cam as the future of their franchise because you typically don’t want those guys to die. Jerry Richardson is already printing “RIP Cam Newton” on next year’s tickets and ordering black #1 jersey patches to cash in on his inevitable demise.
Cincinnati +7 vs. NEW ORLEANS
I know Cincy was absolute dog shit on Thursday night, but what about the Saints performance last week shouted “favor us by a touchdown?” This is a game that COULD be good, but these teams hate us all and will do anything they can to make sure it isn’t. I would put the over/under for interceptions in this game at 4.5 and take the over. Also I hope when Andy Dalton is down in New Orleans somebody teaches him about voodoo and he cries for twelve hours.
WASHINGTON -7 vs. Tampa Bay
Maybe I’ll regret this pick, because I forgot Washington even had a football team until just now, but Tampa looks like they’re done with this season. Bobby Griffiths Jr. will probably come out and have a great game and everyone will be like “THIS IS WHY HE WAS WORTH ALL THOSE DRAFT PICKS!” but then he’ll either return to sucking or develop some sort of rare ligament cancer and everyone will go back to yelling about what his future is with the franchise and I think that’s awesome because this franchise is a fucking travesty and Dan Snyder should be poked with strange needles that you find in the street.
Denver -9.5 vs. ST. LOUIS
Denver is going to kick the ever-loving shit out of the Rams and that’s all you really need to know about this one. Denver has an easier schedule than the Pats down the stretch and are already a game up on the Colts so I think they still have to be considered the favorites to get the top seed in the AFC. Which blows, frankly, because nobody wants to run around in Denver where it’s pretty much illegal to breathe.
NY GIANTS +4 vs. San Francisco
I don’t know why the hell I’m picking the Giants after the way they’ve looked in their last four games. Oh wait yes I do. It’s because the Giants are the kings of convincing everybody they are terrible and then convincing everybody they are good and then convincing everybody they are terrible again before they get good again.
This is exactly the type of game where everyone leaves the Giants for dead and then gets real mad when they’re up 31-0 because WHY THE FUCK CAN’T YOU BE THE SAME TEAM FROM WEEK TO WEEK?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! * Eli Manning puts his fingers in his ears and hums “America the Beautiful” as he continues to watch his model trains circle*
(Side note: somebody get Kaepernick a less fucking stupid looking hat. This isn’t even about having a “gangsta image” or trying to whiten him up or anything, it’s about not looking like a four year old wearing his dad’s baseball cap for a cute picture. You look like a goddamned asshole.)
SAN DIEGO -10.5 vs. Oakland
Detroit +2 vs. ARIZONA
This is probably going to be an ugly, low-scoring game, or maybe it will surprise everyone and be a thrilling shootout. I KNOW NOTHING OF THE FUTURE! Either way, Arizona is a solid team that is due for a stinker, and this game is for the top seed in the NFC at the moment so Detroit is going to have to not do any Detroit things to screw this up. Both quarterbacks in this game are going to be harassed early and often, and I like Stafford to handle the pressure better, even with Megatron being matched up against Patrick Peterson.
Maybe I shouldn’t underestimate the power of the Kangol though. It helped rap make it into the ’90s when everybody thought it was a novelty that was sure to fade fast, so maybe it will do the same for a football team that everyone feels the same way about.
New England +3 vs. INDIANAPOLIS
This is probably the kiss of death for New England since I’m riding a nice 0-3 streak in picking their games, but this is a relatively good match-up for the Pats, and Belichick has done work against Andrew Luck in the past, so I’m giving the edge to the Patriots. This might be New England’s last great chance at a championship since there’s a distinct possibility that the salary cap is going to shred this defense in the offseason.
The problem is that everyone knows the Pats’ Super Bowl hopes rest on the health of Rob Gronkowski, whose body is physically impossible to maintain. This has all the makings of another Patriots team that is going to get really close but then fuck it up because the NFL is a cold and heartless bitch that couldn’t care less about how important it is to me that Tom Brady wins another Super Bowl. DAMMIT WELKER MAKE THAT GODDAMNED CATCH AND WE WOULDN’T EVEN BE TALKING ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW!!! * hugs Ty Law jersey and weeps*
TENNESSEE +5.5 vs. Pittsburgh
Pittsburgh has lost to Tampa Bay and the Jets and struggled against the Jaguars, so it only makes sense that they will punch down against the Titans too because their kryptonite seems to be teams that are too shitty to beat anybody else. Their best bet is to get to the playoffs where they don’t have to play any pathetic bottom feeders because then they’ll probably roll to the Super Bowl and Todd Haley can go back to Arizona where he belongs because it is the goatee and Camaro capital of the world. Todd Haley is a human Kid Rock concert.