Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that cannot be killed with conventional weapons.
Why do I even bother? I had another terrrrrrrible week, and looking back, I can see why. My logic for a lot of the games I lost seemed to be “well I should bet this way, BUT… * donkey noises*” I’m not even sure how I could be considered an adult and allowed to make any decisions. If I were in charge of things everyone would somehow end up on fire and accidentally poisoned. Don’t ever put me in charge.
BUT IT’S BACK ON THE HORSE FOR WEEK TEN! Speaking of horses, that was quite the ass-kicking the Pats handed the Broncos. Unfortunately, these November games don’t mean as much as people will lead you to believe. My only real takeaway from this game is that there are no great teams and no clear favorites. Once the playoffs roll around some off the wall shit is going to happen. Before the season everybody penciled the Pats and Broncos into the AFC Championship game, me included, but anybody assuming we’re getting a rematch in January is going to be really disappointed when Ryan Tannehill beats Brady in Gillette or Manning throws five picks in a loss to the Bengals. The NFL is a pain in the ass in this way.
Things are even less clear in the NFC where Arizona looks good but their quarterback is Carson Palmer, and Philadelphia looks good but their quarterback is Mark Sanchez. All of last year’s other playoff teams look terrible and they should feel terrible and maybe start cutting or at the very least take up smoking and writing bad poetry. The Super Bowl is going to be won by some 9-7 team this year because that’s what we deserve.
I’m in a really foul mood today for some reason so expect extra vitriol from me this week. Or maybe just apathy? We’ll find out together! ON TO THE PICKS!
Last week’s picks went 5-8-0, and as always, the home team is in caps.
CINCINNATI -6 vs Cleveland
How does everyone in this division have a winning record?! Oh, they’ve all been playing teams like Jacksonville, Tampa, and Tennessee. Makes sense. People have been trying to make the argument that this is the best division in the NFL even though they’ve been playing the NFC South and the AFC South which are the football equivalent of the American South. Both of these teams are from Ohio, which might as well be the South anyway because it’s so backwards and fucked up and somehow is the state that always ends up deciding who our president is going to be. There’s really no need for Ohio. It’s like if somebody made a state out of lottery tickets. Don’t watch this game.
Dallas -6.5 vs. Jacksonville (London, England)
Another game in London? The revolutionary war was more than 200 years ago. I don’t think we need to keep punishing these people. They know what they did. While the thought of thousands of Cowboy fans roaming the streets of London is slightly amusing, things could get ugly once they realize that there’s nowhere in the city that will serve them food out of a bucket.
Tony Romo is supposed to play in this game even though his back is broken because apparently nobody ever watched Brandon Weeden play a football game before they decided to let him start last week. They should just lock Weeden in the Tower of London and use some of those fancy torture devices on him so he knows what fans have to endure when they watch him try to throw a football.
DETROIT -3 vs. Miami
I have no idea if either of these teams is actually good but I still suspect they are not. Miami’s defense has been very good as of late, but Megatron is back this week so Detroit’s offense might resemble something closer to what we’re used to seeing from Fat Stafford and the gang. These two teams have top five defensive lines, so if you’re looking for a game where a quarterback dies on the field this is the one to watch.
This game also qualifies as a “Who Woulda Thunk It?!” game because the entire time the announcers will profess their amazement that two teams who were mediocre last year improved to “slightly above-average” by sheer virtue of not having to play too many difficult opponents. It’s almost as if a league that strives for parity has somehow achieved it and opened the door for perennial losers to turn it around rather quickly (unless those teams are based in Jacksonville or Oakland.)
Kansas City -2 vs. BUFFALO
You know what this column has been missing for a while? Andy Reid fat jokes! Andy Reid is so fat that his favorite condiment is birthday cake! Andy Reid is so fat that Southwest Airlines flights get kicked off of him! Andy Reid is so fat that he can walk the streets of Buffalo in relative anonymity! But seriously folks… have you SEEN this guy?! Anyway… How far can Kyle Orton really take this Bills team?
Kyle Orton is what Andy Reid would be if you replaced butter with Jack Daniels. It’s looking fairly possible that one of these teams will get into the playoffs, and I’m really rooting for Andy because he’s way more fun to gamble against in important games than whoever the fuck Buffalo’s coach is now. Doug what? His name is Doug? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA fuck you, really? Wow.
San Francisco +4.5 vs. NEW ORLEANS
Okay, HEAR ME OUT ON THIS ONE… I flipped a coin. I don’t know what the fuck to expect from either of these asshole teams so I flipped a goddamned coin because I hate them and they never make sense because they are motherfuckers. How does San Fran beat Dallas and Philadelphia and lose at home to the Rams? How does New Orleans lose to Cleveland and blow out Green Bay? New Orleans is undefeated at home this year but how does that even matter when they had to come back from double digits to beat the fucking Buccaneers? And they barely broke 20 points against the Vikings? Flip your own coin for this one because no amount of analysis is going to tell you which team actually decides to show up on Sunday. Blech. Trash.
BALTIMORE -9.5 vs. Tennessee
This game is a little more straightforward. Tennessee sucks. Do not bet on Tennessee. Everyone talks about the Chargers or Raiders or Rams or Jaguars moving to LA, but what about the Titans? Their crazy old owner just died, they’re a disgrace of an organization that needs a fresh start, and nobody would notice if they left. The closest thing you would get would be a few people driving through Nashville on a Sunday and wondering if the traffic seemed lighter than usual. Zach Mettenberger is starting for the Titans and if you don’t know who that is then I envy you.
Pittsburgh -5 vs. NY JETS
Oh good my two least favorite players in the NFL are playing each other in a game that I hope is interrupted by a freak lightning storm that only targets shitbag quarterbacks. I’m surprised this line is so low since Ben Roethlisberger has clearly been doing PEDs because he’s been collecting touchdowns like they’re sexual assault allegations RIMSHOT. No but seriously having Michael Vick and Ben Roethlisberger in the same building at the same time is a rare opportunity for the terrorists to be right and I hope they take it. Also, please just put Rex Ryan out of his misery so he can spend the rest of the season sniffing toes on a beach.
Atlanta -1.5 vs. TAMPA BAY
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Aside from Rex Ryan these are the two coaches that are most likely to be defensive coordinators for other teams next year, which is funny because they can’t seem to stop people from scoring on the teams they have now. I’m sure they’ll get jobs just based on reputation alone, as long as the interviewer doesn’t see how profusely they start sweating when someone asks if they’ve watched a football game since 2008.
Denver -11 vs. OAKLAND
Oakland has looked feisty in a few games this season… well, feisty seems kind of sexual to be a football term. I guess it doesn’t really apply to the Raiders. They’ve looked… annoying? Annoying seems better. Okay, Oakland has been annoying their opponents recently by making them actually play full football games in order to beat them, which is charming.
Unfortunately for them, they’re running into a Denver team that just got their asses handed to them by the Patriots, so if Peyton Manning wasn’t screaming at them all week while Papa John stepped on their scrotums in stiletto heels then I don’t know Peyton Manning all that well. Even if this line was -50 you would still have to take the Broncos. This game is going to qualify as felony assault, but that’s okay because John Elway can probably make it go away with a phone call like he does with his piece of shit son.
ARIZONA -7 vs. St. Louis
Looks like Bruce Arians has something really special going on out in Arizona! * does the jerk off motion for so long and so furiously that NASA decides they don’t even have to go to outer space anymore*
SEATTLE -9 vs. NY Giants
What the fuck is it with the NFC this year? Should I just be taking the points? Seattle couldn’t even cover at home against the Raiders, but what the FUCK is going on with the Giants? No, Seattle is going to cover a damn spread in Seattle, and if they don’t then I’m going to fly out there and show Pete Carroll that jet fuel burns hot enough to melt steel while waving dinosaur bones at Russell Wilson to prove that his shitty God isn’t real.
GREEN BAY -7 vs. Chicago
Welp, it’s Jay Cutler in Green Bay so the only way the Bears are pulling this out is if Alshon Jeffrey and Brandon Marshall are allowed to wear Packers uniforms but since the NFL got mad at Marshall for wearing green shoes then I don’t think that’s a viable strategy. Cutler is an astounding 1-9 with 19 picks against the Packers, so you have to figure maybe he’s due, right?
Well, the Bears stink. The Patriots offense obliterated them to the point that guys were tearing their ACLs while dancing. This is not a team that wins an important night game on the road. This is a team that overpays a problematic quarterback and then yells at each other until their coach gets fired and is deported back to Canada. Also I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this in almost all of my other columns, but Jay Cutler refused to get his kid vaccinated because who needs science when you have sweatpants?
Carolina +6 vs. PHILADELPHIA
NO. NO I AM NOT PICKING MARK SANCHEZ TO COVER THIS SPREAD. I know what you’re doing Vegas, and I hate you for it. You want me to see that the 6-2 Eagles are favored by less than a touchdown, at home, in prime time, against the 3-5-1 Panthers. You want me to look at this line and say “That’s free money.” But NO. I KNOW Mark Sanchez is starting this game for the Eagles. You’re not going to trick me into betting on Mark Sanchez. Everyone else might think that Chip Kelly runs the kind of offense that you can plug in a shitty quarterback and he’ll make magic happen, but if Chip Kelly were really that kind of magician he would have cut Mark Sanchez in half a long time ago and kept him in his damn magic box and thrown that box into a river. Fuck Mark Sanchez.