Dick Picks: Week 13. UnScene’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column

Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that uses deep-frying a turkey as a convenient cover for arson.

It’s Thanksgiving! Which means we all get to spend a day home from work listening to people’s terrible opinions on politics, race relations, kids these days, and football (unless you work at a retail store in which case your soulless corporation will not give you the day off because people with actual money need DEALS.)


When in doubt about frying a turkey, consult Coolio. (via www.seriouseats.com)

Need advice about frying a turkey? Consult Coolio. (via www.seriouseats.com)


Because of the Holiday, I’m breaking this week’s column into two parts: one with the Thursday games, and one with the Sunday games which will probably post Friday or Saturday (I don’t want to make my editor work on Thanksgiving either. And YES I have an editor. She’s great. I usually write the column with words I cut out of magazines and she pieces it all together.) (Editor’s note: Rich, please start using tape instead of rubber cement. I haven’t sniffed glue since like 8th gra- yesterday. Nevermind. It’s cool.)


Last week’s action was action-packed with tons of action! There was a game in Detroit that the Lions didn’t play so nobody was disappointed. Oh wait no, the Lions played somewhere else and were very disappointing and then the people in Detroit had to watch the Jets which seems incredibly cruel. The NFC South somehow got worse and we’re getting closer and closer to another team with a losing record hosting a playoff game. The Broncos once again looked beatable in sneaking by the Dolphins like so many immigrants are going to sneak across our border because the President won’t protect the imaginary lines that arbitrarily offer us a better life than others through sheer chance.


Green Bay looked beatable for the first time in weeks, THE BENGALS ARE BACK BABY (no they’re not,) and Odell Beckham Jr. made a ridiculous catch that will be lauded as the best catch of all time until somebody else makes a very good catch. Other than that everyone else was boring and should be ashamed of themselves because I know for a fact their parents are.


Let’s get this over with. ON TO THURSDAY’S PICKS! Just call me Jaromir Jagr because everywhere I go I’m rolling with 68 (last week’s picks were 6-8-1.) As always, home teams are in caps.

DETROIT -7 vs. Chicago

Maybe I’ll regret picking against the Bears here, because Detroit’s offense has been pathetic over the past few weeks, but if they’re ever going to snap out of it, it’s going to be against a team that has allowed 106 points in their past two road games. Also Jay Cutler is going to get hit more times than a bong at a place where people smoke a lot of marijuana (church? Dress Barn?)


The Bears are actually only two games out of a playoff spot, with two games left against Detroit, and San Fran and Seattle primed to cannibalize each other, so it’s not out of the question that this team could sneak int- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. No it is. This team fucking stinks. They gave their fans a tiny sliver of hope by beating two shitty teams in a row and now the Lions are going to put the last nail in their coffin. Then after the last game of the season Jay Cutler is going to be all “Whatever” about it and throw on some sunglasses and try to ride away on a Harley but the Harley is going to fall over on his leg and he’s going to need a tetanus shot but he won’t get one because he doesn’t want to catch an autism and he will die of tetanus (is that a thing? Dying of tetanus? Or is tetanus the stuff that’s in the shot that stops another disease? I never should have dropped out of Med School…)


Philadelphia +3 vs. DALLAS

Another divisional matchup between two teams that I suspect are not actually that good. Look, I know Dallas is undefeated at home, but they’re running into the buzzsaw that is Mark Sanchez and the Philadelphia Eagles. Bet against Mark Sanchez? On Thanksgiving Day?! Do I look like a FOOL to you??? He’s going to go out there, and show the world why he was drafted * checks Google* HOLY SHIT FIFTH OVERALL?!!! I knew the Jets traded up to get him, but FIFTH OVERALL?!!! Who else could they have gotten with that pick?! * Googles 2009 NFL Draft* Oh. Oh my God. Jesus fucking Christ that’s maybe the worst draft that ever happened. I need a drink after looking at that. * has been drinking this entire time*


The main reason I’m picking Philly is because I trust Chip Kelly to out-coach Jason Garrett. Garrett had an 8-3 team completely over-achieve and fall into his lap this season, and I will not believe for a second that he’s not going to fuck this up. They’re already a Wild Card, and one game away from falling out of the playoffs altogether. I cannot FATHOM a world where Jason Garrett and Tony Romo don’t completely throw this season away. Regardless of how well their offensive line has been playing, everyone is waiting for the wheels to fall off. Maybe they won’t, but if think these two just magically put it all together and figured out how football works, I would like to talk to you about Jesus Christ. Because you probably believe in Jesus Christ and think he’s magic too and then I can ridicule you for all of your beliefs at once.

Seattle +1 vs. SAN FRANCISCO

San Francisco is 3-2 at home this year, with their wins coming by five, five, and four points. They have scored 20 or fewer points at home three times, six times total on the season, and haven’t scored more than 26 points in a home game all year. What I’m saying is the San Francisco offense sucks a lot.


Seattle has scored 20 or more points in nine games, winning the two games it did not. What I’m saying is the Seattle offense does not suck as bad as San Francisco’s, despite what people may lead you to believe.


Will this impact Thursday’s game? I mean, yeah probably. Seattle’s defense hasn’t been anything special this year but holy shit San Francisco you couldn’t even put up two dozen against the Bears, Giants, Redskins, or Rams (if you average the two games, which I will because I make the rules.) Everyone is calling the 49ers a dark horse to make the Super Bowl out of the NFC because they won three games in a row against teams that are a combined 10-23 which looks like the type of score San Fran would put up against Ohio State.


I’m also really sick of the Pete Carroll vs. Jim Harbaugh narrative of “Wow these guys really don’t like each other!” No shit. Jim Harbaugh doesn’t like anybody. If Jim Harbaugh likes you that is a red flag and it means you should stop whatever the hell it is you’re doing immediately. Probably shooting neighborhood cats with a pellet gun. Pete Carroll pretends he likes everyone but you know that’s an act so nobody yells at him when he fucks up. Pete Carroll only likes Steely Dan.


LAST WEEK: 6-8-1 * whistling sound like an anvil is being dropped on my head in a cartoon*


Rich is a contributor for UnSceneComedy.com

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *