The Unsolicited Advice Column
– by Ted Pettingell
A weekly advice column with questions ripped from the headlines (of social media) and answered by our own delightful little scamp who probably hates you, Ted.
Hello friends and followers. Who am I kidding you are are all mostly followers. I would apologize for missing a week but a brain injury I received as a child prevents me from feeling remorse. So this week you luck out and get two advice columns, thats twice the Ted you normally get and hopefully this will keep you from enduring another Rich Car Keys article. That’s right I’m calling out old Car Keys again because it’s been brought to my attention by my editor, some woman, (Editors Note: I hate you.) that in Car Keys latest piece journalistic tripe he besmirched me. Not only that but he didn’t have the decency to use my real name and instead used a vague pseudonym, like the cowards he is. Well, Ted haven’t you been referring to him as Rich Car Keys? Yes, I have but that is only because I’ve given up on stopping my computer from autocorrecting his name. Now I don’t want to get into a weekly internet pissing contest where each week we spend half our articles taking shots at one another. So I’m going to be the bigger man and declare myself the winner right now. On to the advice.
Today’s first question comes from @HunainNaseer he asks:
I have a #Question. What makes you want to stop and read an article as you scroll down a page?
Well sir I can tell you one thing that will make me not want to read an article, a by line with Rich Car Keys name in it. That’s the golden rule. If you need more advice on picking out what you stare at instead of being the cubicle slave you are here are some more guidelines.
-Does the article promise advice on how to score chicks? If yes keep reading.
-Is this article a recipe for BBQ sauce? If it is, you are doing fine.
-How Nude are the celebrity photos it claims to contain? Very nude, then you are in it to win it.
-Was it written by a woman, thats a read (red) flag (I made a Pun)? Hopefully, its just a detailed account of her darkest sexual fantasies and not anything about being treated as an equal or what dresses she wore that week. (Editors Note: Look, I only did that 127 Dresses Blog for a month. I’d love to get started on that Darkest Sexual Fantasies Blog, just don’t be surprised when none of them actually include you.)
Well, I hope that helped. On a side note in your twitter picture you look like a fat version of my friend Ahmed. So you got that going for you.
Our second question comes from @emilywynne4. She writes:
If I put some sort of video on my YouTube channel, like a vlog or something ,would you guys watch it ?!? #question
Short Answer is No. Long answer is I would rather read anything written By Rich Car Keys, even if it was written while he was drunk on Dollar Store gin and cowardice. Did I mention he’s a coward and an alcoholic? Now I don’t want to knock any cocktail made with Dollar Store gin and cowardice. That is a mighty fine drink but I would like to point out Mr. Car Keys enjoys them to excess. He drinks so many of these things he has made flop sweat a recession proof industry. Here is my favorite version of the drink.
-1 Part dollar store gin. I prefer Debtors Prison Choice.
-1Part cowardice. If you can’t find flop sweat you can always use urine rung out of jeans.
-1 Part Fresh Lime Juice
-1 Part agave nectar.
Shake well and serve over rocks in a glass with a salted rim and you’ve made yourself a classic marga-retreat. Another Pun!
Last Question! @RichKarski asks:
Hey @IamDonCheadle big fan quick question. What’s your favorite dog? Mine is my dog but I think other dogs are great too.
Is this what you spend your time doing? Harassing national treasure and acting great Terrance Howard? This guy was in Iron man, Hustle and Flow, probably something that taught us how racism is suppose to be bad. You need to grow up man. Now, I know I said I wasn’t going to spend half my article taking shots at you, so instead I spent the entire article doing that. Because as Omar Little once said, “You come at the king, you best not miss…” I hope you learned your lesson.
Well, thats was Part One of this weeks Two Parter. Come back and read another one tomorrow… or the next day… or when ever my editor, some woman, (Editors Note: Some extremely talented, smart and funny woman who doesn’t even care that you have a third nipple,) gets around to posting it.
Your Friend and Mentor,