DICK PICKS, Week 7: UnScene Comedy’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column

Welcome back to another edition of Dick Picks, the only online NFL gambling column written in an attempt to win the heart of Fiona Apple.

This is getting a little embarrassing people. For the third straight week I finished well under .500, and I still don’t have any better handle on what the hell is happening in the NFL this season that I did at the start.

Are any teams actually good this year? I don’t think so. Parity is what the NFL has always pushed for, and it looks like they’re getting exactly what they wanted at the expense of my bank account. At this point it’s worth reading this column just to see how big of a disaster this season turns out to be for me. So why not just give up betting altogether? Short answer is because I’m a degenerate and a masochist, long answer is that I still feel like I can figure this whole thing out and start winning money, and that’s why Vegas laughs at people like me, because I won’t.

Since last week’s hate column didn’t work for me, this week I’ve decided to write about something I love about each game in a cheap attempt to get Karma on my side and maybe not have to pay my rent with change I find in my couch. Sure, a lot of the things that I love will also be driven by the joy I get from seeing others fail, but it’s the thought that counts. Anyway, on to the picks, last week’s went 6-9 (haha 69 that’s the mouth sex number) and as usual the home team is in caps.

Carolina -5.5 vs. TAMPA BAY

This is a great game for Thursday night because it is awful, but I do love that Tampa’s defensive coordinator recently reached out to fans to help him run his defense this week. I’ve never seen a team throw in the towel like this year’s Buccaneers.  First they flat out cut their starting QB for a rookie who wasn’t even good in college, and now their outsourcing their defensive strategizing to people who willingly choose to live in Tampa. I can definitely get behind this “Fuck it, you guys do it” strategy, if only to see eleven guys blitz on every play and the fans get mad at the players because nobody is covered downfield. The Bucs are screwed, and they might as well go back to the gay pirate creamsicle uniforms just to hammer the point home.

San Francisco -16 vs. Jacksonville (in London)

Another London game! I love that the NFL keeps sending its most pathetic teams overseas to try and grow the international fanbase. It’s almost a warning, like Goodell is saying “If you want a team, be prepared, because THIS is what you’re going to get.” I’m also pretty excited about the prospect of Justin Blackmon avoiding a DUI by unintentionally driving on the correct side of the road. It’s going to be a tough battle between Jacksonville and Tampa for the number one pick this off-season, as both teams may go winless, but for some reason Jacksonville seems to keep trying not to do that. Just lay down guys, you’re only hurting yourselves at this point.

DETROIT -3 vs. Dallas

I love Megatron, and I love seeing Secretly Fat Matt Stafford just heave the football into triple coverage while Megatron makes the three defenders around him look like children by going up and getting it over all of their heads. Dez Bryant said this week that he could do anything that Megatron could do, which might explain why he got thrown out of college and beat up his mom because he was probably thinking about the bad Megatron from Transformers and not the football Megatron.

NY Giants +5.5 vs. PHILADELPHIA

Ugh. How do I find something to love about this game? I love that I don’t have to watch it, which is something. Actually, one thing I do love is that I found out a while back that LeSean McCoy says “McCoy” every time he jukes a defender, which I think is fantastic because that basically makes LeSean McCoy a Pokemon. Other than that this game is dogshit and if you’re at a bar where they put it on you should calmly exit the building and then burn it down with everyone inside. They will be happier for it.

Cleveland +8 vs. KANSAS CITY

Well we all know what I love about this game: making fun of big fat Andy Reid. There’s an old story about Wade Boggs where teammates say he drank sixty beers on a cross-country flight to Seattle, and I think we should update this story to be about Andy Reid and Egg McMuffins, because you know that had to have happened at least once. I bet Andy Reid drinks shrimp by the gallon. This game will probably be pretty ugly, with two strong defenses and two mediocre to sub-par quarterbacks, so I think it will be closer than eight points. Or Kansas City could lose outright because the NFL is fucking stupid this season.

NEW ORLEANS -11 vs. Buffalo

I read a stat this week that I loved. The only two teams in the NFL this season to score 20+ points in all of their games are Denver and somehow Buffalo. However, Buffalo has yet to score more than 24 points in any game this year. So apparently just score 25 points and you’ll beat the Bills. New Orleans can do that. I also love that someone named Thad Lewis is the Bills’ quarterback and everyone seems to be perfectly okay with this. Whatever you say, Buffalo. This just proves that nobody’s paying attention.

Miami +6.5 vs. NEW ENGLAND

I don’t like picking against the Pats at home after a loss, but to face facts Tom Brady has looked pretty awful recently. Also New England is missing its four best defenders, probably its best wideout, and a couple key offensive linemen. Miami also isn’t terrible as long as Ryan Tannehill doesn’t throw a hundred interceptions. I guess the one thing I could love about this game is that I am usually wrong and everything I think is incorrect. So Pats by 60?

CINCINNATI -6.5 vs. NY Jets

So my two least favorite teams meet up, and I love that one of them has to lose, but I hate that one of them has to win, so that cancels out and I have to find something else. I know! I love that the Jets have to spend time in that shit-hole Cincinnati. They deserve it. I’m not going to complain about the call at the end of the last game because frankly they out-played New England and deserved to win, but the way they went about getting it and the way they reacted after it annoys me. You snitched, Rex Ryan. Just admit that you snitched to get an advantage like any football coach would do and be done with it. Don’t act all cagey and pretend that you’re above running to the officials to rat out the opposing team. Either own it, or cut it the fuck out.

OAKLAND +2.5 vs. Pittsburgh

Confession: When I was a kid I loved the Raiders. My favorite players were Bo Jackson and Howie Long, and then later Charles Woodson, so I have to admit I’m a little sad to see how far they’ve fallen. However, I absolutely LOVE to see the Steelers struggle, and I don’t buy that they’re turning their shit around after the suckfest against Baltimore last week. The Raiders’ defensive coordinator is some kind of molecular chemist with all kinds of weird science degrees so I’m sure he’s concocting all kinds of strange potions and elixirs to get his team ready to rip Ben Roethlisberger’s nasty grey dick off. Also, Ben Roethlisberger is a rapist. I don’t know if you guys knew that about him.

DENVER -12 vs. Washington

So Denver is averaging 48 points per game against the NFC East this season, and they now get to play a Washington team that might not even have any safeties on their roster this weekend. I guess what I love about this game is that I’ll probably get to watch Bobby Griffiths Jr. get hit a whole lot, which will be fun. I wish Mike Shanahan would get hit a lot too, but something tells me his radioactive skin makes him impervious to punches. Mike Shanahan is like if beef jerky coached a football team. Gross.

Atlanta +3 vs. ARIZONA

No, I did not forget that Atlanta is not good and also bad and terrible, I just remembered that they’re playing Carson Palmer this week who was supposed to be the next Kurt Warner but he didn’t love Jesus or a butch wife enough to pull it off and now Larry Fitzgerald is sad again. ANYWAY, what I love about this game is that it is the only game of the week involving two teams who are from places that both start and end with the letter A and I personally think that’s pretty neat.

Green Bay -9.5 vs. MINNESOTA

I love that I get to gamble against Christian Ponder again! Man, the Vikings really can’t win with their quarterbacks. If they could somehow combine Christian Ponder and Josh Freeman’s arm strength, then they might have a quarterback who could hit an open receiver instead of throwing the ball either pitifully short or into the goddamned fucking moon. I think Josh Freeman gave himself a concussion by throwing the football past his wide open receiver, around the entire world, and hitting himself in the back of the head with it. That is the only logical explanation that I will accept.

Seattle -10.5 vs. ST. LOUIS

When a Sam Bradford knee injury ruins your season it is safe to say that your season was pretty much ruined already. I love that Kellen Clemens is starting an NFL football game this week. He couldn’t beat out the likes of Chad Pennington, Mark Sanchez, and TJ Yates for starting jobs in the NFL, so putting him up against one of the top defenses in the league should work out just fine. Kellen Clemens still being in the NFL is already the upset of the week. He’s thrown for 125 yards in the past four seasons, so if my math is correct, we can predict that he will throw for 1.95 yards this week, and I can guarantee that none of that will go to Tavon Austin who appears to be kind of awful. Clemens is so bad that the Rams actually called Brett Favre this week. That’s not even a joke. They called Brett Favre! His response was a picture of his dick with the words “no thanks” written on it.

LAST WEEK:  6-9 *a lone crow caws in the distance*

SEASON TOTAL:  42-44-5

Rich is a contributor for UnSceneComedy.com

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