Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that may not have had sex with as many women as Ric Flair but has certainly been kicked out of more airports.
It is entirely possible that I am worse at gambling than I would be at playing in the actual NFL. I was wrong on almost everything this past week, which is almost as impressive as being very good, right? I believe that is how America works now.
I’m not going to talk about protesting the flag at length, I just want to say that in this country I should be able to throw up my middle finger at a flag or a cop or a child without threat of persecution or without the President saying I should be fired because guess who this next round of birds is for you big bitch? Anyway if you are mad about a flag but not mad about me losing a ton of money last weekend then you can kick rocks because I don’t wanna hear it.
I’m assuming my picks will do much better this week because of a little thing I like to call “regression towards the mean” so if you’re going to listen to me do it this week and then don’t ever do it on any other weeks ever again you idiot. ON TO THE PICKS. Last week’s picks went 4-11 and as always the home team is in caps.
GREEN BAY -7 vs. Chicago
I’m being told that this is the NFL’s oldest rivalry? That these teams have played each other a lot? And that they don’t like each other? That’s news to me as this is the first I’m hearing of these two teams even being in the league. Good for them though. Making it all the way to Thursday Night Football. They should be very proud.
New Orleans -3 vs. Miami (LONDON, ENGLAND, UK)
Oi these blokes are ‘aving another toss across the pond innit? Some chav’s goin get a right proper knackered in his Gregory. Fish n Chips mate. Bollocks. Save us from the Germans. Etc.
Carolina +9 vs. NEW ENGLAND
What Cam Newton needs to turn his awful season around is a nice dose of the New England defense. Brady will likely have to score 30+ per game to keep winning this year I’m pretty sure there was a guy named Chet Haze running around out there last week. Belichick loves having no-name defensive players to the point where I’m not sure he hasn’t started a government program to develop them like Jason Bourne. I bet he has scouted players at an orphanage before.
DALLAS -6 vs. LA Rams
The Rams might actually win their division because everybody else in the NFC West looks like they suck but the problem is the Rams probably suck too so whoever gets the first wildcard spot could be playing a road playoff game in front of upwards of tens of dozens of Rams fans and tens of thousands of their own fans. Luckily the Rams have gotten very comfortable with being booed out of their own stadium.
Tennessee -2 vs. HOUSTON
Houston really blew it on Sunday which is mostly what this team has done as long as they’ve existed HOWEVER Deshaun Watson looked kind of good so maybe this team actually has a future? Either way I don’t care. That’s a problem for Future Rich and that guy’s got a lot of other shit he should be worrying about.
Jacksonville -3 vs. NY JETS
The Jets upset the Dolphins last week and everyone is mad at them for fucking up their draft pick so don’t expect them to pull that bullshit two weeks in a row. Even though I watch a lot of college football and it looks like the quarterbacks that are supposed be good are actually NOT good. Pretty soon every NFL quarterback is going to be a guy that sucks so technically that will reset all expectations and everybody will be considered good. Blake Bortles will be very happy about this development.
Cincinnati -3 vs. CLEVELAND
Goddammit more road favorites fuck these cities and fuck Ohio it should be buried under 20 feet of quicklime.
Pittsburgh -3 vs. BALTIMORE
Gahhhhh WHAT THE FUCK BURN THIS DIVISION BURY THE ASHES AND SALT THE EARTH THEY ARE BURIED UNDER. PUKE.
ATLANTA -7.5 vs. Buffalo
Atlanta looks like the best team in football right now which does not mean shit in September. Atlanta also looked like the best team in the first three quarters of the Super Bowl. Then something happened and everything changed. I forget what. Maybe an earthquake? I was very drunk.
TAMPA BAY -3 vs. NY Giants
Odell Beckham Jr. scored a touchdown and pretended to pee like a dog last week and Giants owner and domestic abuse enabler John Mara is mad about it. I want everybody to know that this column’s official stance is that pretending you are a dog that is peeing is funny and cool, and domestic violence is bad and wrong. The owner of the New York Giants would have you believe otherwise but that is because he is a spineless jerkoff.
LA CHARGERS +1 vs. Philadelphia
It would be really cool if this game ended in a tie, not only because I would cover the spread but because it is being played in a soccer stadium and then maybe the fans wouldn’t be so confused. As long as the end result feels normal everything that comes in between won’t matter so much.
San Francisco +7 vs. ARIZONA
Larry Fitzgerald rules and he is a grown ass man but other than that these two teams can fuck right off if they think I’m going to get tricked into watching this bullshit. Get outta here with that. Leave.
Oakland +2.5 vs. DENVER
Both of these teams are coming off losses where they looked especially bad and I say that is actually a good thing because I don’t like these teams and am personally biased against them. Frankly, the more they lose, the better. It’s a damn shame only one team can lose this game to be honest. Maybe the NFL should look into fixing that instead of all these other damn rules. “Dear Roger, Please make it so both teams in a game can lose if I don’t like them. Also, eat shit you clown-dicked banana-bread-ass urinal-peeking-ass eating-yogurt-with-your-finger-ass motherfucker. Sincerely, Rich.
SEATTLE -13 vs. Indianapolis
Hmm… it’s entirely possible that both of these coaches will be out of the league at the end of the year which creates a bizarre circumstance where two job openings appear with superstar quarterbacks in their prime. They would probably be the frontrunners for the biggest name coaches on the market. Faced with the option of a beautiful, coastal city with culture and what is essentially the metropolitan equivalent of a barn, you know NFL coaches would choose Indianapolis in a heartbeat. Sorry Seattle. Guess you’ll just have to take solace in your vibrant nightlife and many other entertainment options.
Washington +7 vs. KANSAS CITY
Andy Reid heard the news about the Steelers staying in the locker room for the anthem and he is now kicking himself for staying on the sideline and missing out on an extra two minutes at the meat trough.
LAST WEEK: 4-11-0
SEASON TOTAL: 18-28-0