Summertime Fun Ted’s Guide to Summer Time Fun, Part Uno: ¡Fashion!

Look out jocks!The most important part of embodying Summertime Fun is looking like you are always having a good time. First impressions mean a lot and if you look like a stylish party animal you’ve won half the battle.

 

If people wanted to have fun with sad looking weirdo they would go to the dump and shoot rats with this guy.

 

sad ted

 

What you wear up top really sets the tone for your whole look.  You need something bold and eye catching, something that makes people stop and say “Did a $500 dress shirt fuck a $1,000 coconut?” And there can only be one garment that fills the requirements, and that of course it the Hawaiian shirt.  Or as they call them in Hawaii, shirts.

 

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A few notes on Hawaiian shirts:

First of all, they have to be used. A new Hawaiian shirt makes you look like a dad on vacation. You don’t take vacations, you are vacation.  You don’t have kids because long term exposure to the sun has damaged your reproductive fluids.

 

So where does one get a used Hawaiian shirts?  Thrift stores are a great place and it will only cost you only a few bucks. Better yet is estate sales. If you can confirm someone died in a Hawaiian shirt and you put it on you absorb all of their abilities to party, also you can walk on lava. 

 

Another thing you don’t want to do is  where a shirt underneath. The giant fire monster in the sky gave you chest hair for a reason, to spread raucous jubilation. You should avoid any faux Hawaiian shirts, you will know them when you them, as seen here:

 

Summertime Fun Ted and the Gayest Man in Hollywood.

Summertime Fun Ted and the Gayest Man in Hollywood.

 

If it is unseasonably cool out and you don’t want the cold night air brushing up against your sun kissed arms you can always wear a motorcycle jacket, again with no undershirt.

 

Chest hair, always chest hair.

 

Now to what to wear down below:  

Let me axe you a question. What kind of man wears shorts? The worst kind thats who.  Shorts are for boys and cowards. No one wants to see a man in shorts. When someone sees a man in shorts all they can think is “Man, I hope his balls don’t pop out.” And you don’t want your balls popping out, Jesus-Fire-Monster-in-the-Sky-Christ there could be kids around. It is the summertime after all and school is out. Besides, you already have a Hawaiian shirt on, so shorts would make you look like a juggalo with heat stroke.

 

Stylish blue jeans are the way to go. They say “This guy is casual but not so casual I might see his balls.” Another great benefit of blue jeans is this:

 

Lets say a party goes south fast and you need to make a run for it. Maybe you stole a jock’s girlfriend, maybe the cops in this town just don’t know how to have a good time. All that matters is you are running through the dark and now your calves are protected against ticks, thorn bushes, and small camp fires (assuming you don’t have lava power).

 

Underpants are also a crucial part of summertime fun. Now going commando is an option, but this may cause problems, I’ll explain later. Tighty whiteys will offer support to your nether regions but they will bunch up and make you a sweaty mess. Boxers are cooling but are basically shorts and we never wear shorts. This leaves one option.

 

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Intimidating? That’s the point.

 

Boxers briefs combine the right amount of support with the ability to keep you cool and moisture free. Pop quiz, it’s the end of the night and you’ve just started an impromptu pool party, (don’t worry the neighbors won’t mind,) and you need some swim gear, what do you do?

 

Maybe some nerd comes up to you and says, “Hey, I brought some swim trunks and an extra pair for you.”  The answer never take the trunks, just say, “Get out of here Gary.”
and take off those blue jeans. Now, aren’t you glad I told you not to go commando?

 

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This party just went up a notch, but not that weird notch.

 

Tying it all together with right accessories will truly make you a beacon of summertime fun.

 

Most important is sunglasses:  

Sunglasses lets everyone know that you plan on being outside and not cramped up in some office somewhere. During the day they say, “Hey, there Mr. Sun, I appreciate the warmth but you can take that glare shit and get it right the fuck out of here.” At night they remind everyone that you’ve been partying so hard you forgot what time it is. The only rule is they be as cheap as possible, free ideally, because let face it, party animals lose there sunglasses all the time.

 

For footwear you can do a lot of things:  

Low top sneakers or cowboy boots.  You know, both kinds of shoes. Just don’t wear any kind of sandals. Why not? Because only the dirtiest of hippies wear sandals if they aren’t wearing shorts, and you aren’t wearing shorts are you?…ARE YOU?*

 

So there you have it.

Put it all together and you will look like a guy who is about to save an arcade by winning a rock and roll slam dunk skate board competition.

 

Look out jocks!

Look out jocks!

 

 

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*The rule about shorts and therefore sandals DO NOT apply if you are at the beach. Just be sure to use plenty of sun screen on your pasty legs.  (insert photo 7 with quote like a hairy porcelain doll.)

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Like a hairy porcelain doll.



Ted Pettingell

Ted is a contributor at UnSceneComedy.com. Ted loves comedy. He hates writing short Bios about himself. Ted is very good at comedy. He is not very good at writing his Bio. Ted is constantly working on his comedy. Ted rarely works on writing his Bio. Ted tell his jokes at all the major clubs in Boston. Ted writes his Bio on his home computer. Ted has appeared in several comedy festivals. His Bio has not. Ted was the Comic in Residence at the Comedy Studio in December 2010. His Bio took the month off to spend time with family. Lets review Comedy Good, Bios Bad.