A SONG I HEARD TODAY, Volume 12: Stay With Me, The Faces – By Rich Karski

Welcome to another edition of Rich Karski’s A SONG I HEARD TODAY: the only online music review column that 4/5 migrant workers called “the only reason I wake up in the morning and continue my aching hell of an existence.”

 

What’s up you bunch of deviants? It is another beautiful week to take a look at a song that made someone probably millions of dollars and ridicule said song because I am petty and spiteful and an all-around dreadful human being. BUT AT LEAST I DIDN’T WRITE THE LYRIC “OUR DESTINY IS TIME” THAT SHIT IS ON YOU DRAGONFORCE AND YOU DESERVE ALL THE VITRIOL THAT COMES YOUR WAY!

I had no idea where to start this week. I like the songs to be relatively organic, so I try to just listen to a bunch of different shit and see if anything in particular strikes my fancy. How do I figure out an easy way to listen to a bunch of random music that has nothing to do with any of the other songs I have been listening to? I just go back to “ABBA radio” on Spotify!

You see, for some reason ABBA radio breaks Spotify’s strange algorithm that it uses to pick songs that are similar to the song or artist you like. On ABBA radio I have heard everything from Johnny Cash to The Ramones to Salt N Pepa. EVERYONE SOUNDS LIKE ABBA! ABBA must be the ultimate band. FUCK The Beatles. The most influential musical group in the world is fucking ABBA and I will fight you if you ever tell me anything else. The Beatles probably heard ABBA and were like “Fuck.” That’s how good ABBA is.

Anyway, this week I did not pick a song by ABBA. I heard a different song on ABBA radio that I felt needed to be addressed. That song is “Stay With Me” by The Faces. Let’s get into this before I get too drunk to type.

The Faces are a band that people only care about because Rod Stewart was their singer. Rod Stewart is an old man who makes your moms horny. Rod Stewart is pretty much “50 Shades of Grey” if “50 Shades of Grey” were an old man AND WE’RE NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT HIS GREY PUBES HERE! *runs around getting high-fives until I have to stop because my hand is starting to sting*

"This scarf doubles as a sex whip." (guardian.co.uk)

“This scarf doubles as a sex whip.” (via guardian.co.uk)

Before Rod Stewart tried to focus all of his attention on boning middle-aged ladies he used to be a pretty talented rock and roll singer, but everybody knows there is no pussy in singing rock and roll. All of the pussy comes from crooning songs that other people wrote thirty years ago and then singing Maggie May at the end because that’s the only song of your own that any of these women have ever heard.

At first the song sounds like maybe it was made to get your mom horny. It’s pretty much what Rod Stewart thinks your mom would want her sex to sound like I think. It’s mostly about him telling a lady to stay with him because he’s horny and he doesn’t want to be horny alone so maybe they can be horny together I guess. There are some pretty cool guitars at the beginning and then the piano comes in doing some tinkling like Rod is saying “This is what I will do to your older lady clitoris. Don’t be ashamed of your sexuality just because some kids came out of there. Tonight it’s all about you and Hot Rod.” Let’s check out the lyrics to what I’m sure will be a blueprint to seduction.

In the morning/Don’t say you love me/Cause I’ll only kick you out of the door

WELL THAT’S NOT ROMANTIC! Your pick-up line is basically explaining that you’re going to be VERY MEAN to this woman after you fuck her. I guess it’s good that you’re not lying to her, but you might want to try a different opener. HOWEVER, if you’re just trying to avoid clingy maniacs who fall in love after one night, this is okay. We already know what happens if she says she loves you, but if she doesn’t, at least make her breakfast or something.

I know your name is Rita/Cause your perfume’s smelling sweeter/Than when I saw you down on the floor

Okay that’s a pretty amazing superpower. He can tell a woman’s name by how much better her perfume smells after he fucks her. If you get drilled by Rod Stewart and your perfume smells like eggs afterward then you’re definitely a Kaitlyn.

Won’t need too much persuading/I don’t mean to sound degrading/But with a face like that you got nothing to laugh about

There is no laughing in the sex dungeon.

There is no laughing in the sex dungeon. (via momandpopmusic.com)

HAHAHAHA JESUS CHRIST AND HOLY SHIT! “You are ugly as hell and you should feel lucky to fuck me because I’m Rod Stewart. Don’t smile. Your teeth show when you smile.” God Damn Rod Stewart is FIERCE. He is the original Pick Up Artist. This is called “negging” and it involves insulting a woman until she sleeps with you which apparently is a fool-proof method getting a woman to touch your testicles with either her mouth or foot.

Red lips, hair and fingernails/I hear you’re a mean old Jezebel/Let’s go upstairs and read my tarot cards

“HI I’M ROD STEWART SOMEBODY TOLD ME YOU WERE AN OLD AND MEAN HOOKER LET’S GO FUCK! I HOPE YOU HAVE A FUCK CARD IN THAT TAROT DECK BECA– USE I ALREADY KNOW MY FUTURE AND IT INVOLVES ME FUCKING YOU, YOU OLD DIRTY WHORE!”

So in the morning/Please don’t say you love me/Cause you know I’ll only kick you out the door

You already made this abundantly clear Rod Stewart. Something tells me you’re going to kick this woman out no matter WHAT she says to you. Because you’re an old horny bastard.

Yeah I’ll pay your cab fare home/You can even use my best cologne/Just don’t be here in the morning when I wake up

I KNEW IT! “The money is on the dresser. And for fuck’s sake spray yourself with some of this Drakkar Noir. You smell like eggs, Kaitlyn. I really need to stop inviting old hookers up to my room.” It’s really amazing the way Rod goes about his business. He at least leaves no room for misunderstanding, and he is also courteous to the cab drivers who probably don’t want to smell his old gross dick on the poor women they have to keep picking up from his fuck palace.

Last time I picked up here my cab smelled like old dick for weeks.

Last time I picked up here my cab smelled like old dick for weeks. (via nyt.com)

So after this Rod spends the rest of the song TELLING the woman she is going to stay with him, punctuating that with other orders, such as “SIT DOWN, GET UP, GET OUT” and reminding us that he doesn’t care about the woman by shouting “Hey what’s your name again?” EVEN THOUGH HE ALREADY TOLD US IT WAS RITA BECA– USE HE SMELLED HER DAMN PERFUME WHAT KIND OF SHIT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL HERE ROD STEWART????

Overall I would give this song a D+ because sure it’s catchy and the music isn’t terrible, but goddamn if Rod Stewart isn’t the biggest asshole who would ever bang your mom and never call her back. You might have thought it was your dad, but it’s actually Rod Stewart. You learn something new everyday.



Unscene Comedy

UnScene Comedy is the best place to find essays, articles, and media from some of the top Boston comedians.