This is starting to get embarrassing for me, as it is my second consecutive week going less than 50% on my picks and for the most part being wrong about everything. At least I learned that from week to week, nothing that has happened previously has any bearing on upcoming games. Throwing darts at a print-out of the schedule would be just as useful as me trying to sit down and think about things with my brain, which is great because I’m incredibly lazy and have been actively trying to kill my brain for the past decade or so.
Picking NFL games against the spread can be hard, but it shouldn’t be this hard, so this week I’m changing my strategy and foregoing all analysis whatsoever by picking every game based on my immediate gut reaction. After that, I’m just going to do what I do best and explain what I hate about each game and its participants. Essentially, it will be the same as my previous columns, only without me working under the guise that I actually know anything about football. Fun times ahead, you guys! Last’s picks were 5-8-2, home team is in caps.
Seattle -6.5 vs. ARIZONA
The thing I hate most about this game is that it takes place in the state of Arizona, which is pretty much a giant desert strip-mall full of backwoods hicks and scorpions. Don’t worry Arizonans, we’ll never take your guns away. We’ll just dump the rest of the country’s guns in there once we decide to fence your state off and let it become the post-apocalyptic shit-hole that it was always destined to be. The only reason anyone goes to Arizona is for spring training baseball or because they have tuberculosis, both of which should have been eradicated in the early 1900s. Fuck Arizona.
New England -4 vs. NY JETS
There is so much to hate about this game. There’s the media talking up a Boston/New York rivalry that doesn’t really exist because one team has been awful aside from one game four years ago. There are the two coaches that are universally hated outside of their respective fan bases for completely opposite yet equally valid reasons.
As a Patriots fan I hate that this game even needs to happen. If the Pats lose I have to listen to Jets fans brag about beating New England for the first time in the past six meetings, and if the Pats win I have to listen to idiot Patriots fans complain about how they didn’t win by enough and how it’s only acceptable to beat the Jets by two hundred points. Ugh, fuck this game with a sword and then use it to behead all of the idiots in each of these fanbases.
San Diego -7.5 vs. JACKSONVILLE
The things I hate most about this game are the quarterbacks. I hate Phillip Rivers because he is one of those angry evangelical assholes who if he didn’t have to spend his Sundays playing football would probably be picketing outside of abortion clinics calling pregnant teenage girls whores and murderers. I hope all of Rivers’ 13 kids turn out to be gay so that he puts a gun in his big stupid mouth.
Then there’s Jacksonville’s dual threat of Blaine Gabbert and Chad Henne. I hate Blaine Gabbert because he makes football sad for everyone involved and plays the game like he’s being attacked by bees.
I hate Chad Henne because he is the white Mark Sanchez: a guy who makes it seem like he can make great throws downfield, and will occasionally trick people into thinking he’s a competent quarterback, but will then make enough horrible decisions to remind you that you never want your starting quarterback to be Chad Henne or Mark Sanchez. Also because once I bet against Chad Henne and he decided to have the game of his life and I lost about $6000. Fuck these quarterbacks, and be happy that we’re likely to never see 2/3rds of them in the league again after this season.
KANSAS CITY -6.5 vs. Houston
I hate Houston’s stupid fans for booing Matt Schaub after he got taken off the field with what looked like a serious injury. He’s been having a historically bad season, and I’ve enjoyed watching him flail around out there, but he’s also the best quarterback the team has ever had, and if these morons think that TJ Yates is going to be their savior then they deserve to have to watch him play every week for the rest of a 6-10 season. I also hate that Andy Reid has yet to start a blog where he rates various gravies and gives suggestions for which snack foods they are best paired with. We need this intimate gravy knowledge and he’s hoarding it for his own selfish purposes.
DETROIT -2.5 vs. Cincinnati
Well my hatred for Andy Dalton is well documented, so I don’t think I need to spend time reiterating that. But I will. I hate that stupid ginger fuck Andy Dalton because he is a stupid ginger fuck and he probably sheds like a Saint Bernard and gets his disgusting ginger hair all over the locker room and some poor cleaning lady has to go in there and sweep the floor until it looks like she’s pushing Garfield down the hallway with her broom. Gross.
I also kind of hate all of the shit people give Detroit for being a horrible place to live. It really wasn’t Detroit’s fault that the auto industry failed and their mayor was a crook and everyone assumed that by now Robocop would be real and the world failed to deliver on that. Cincinnati is a much worse city and they have none of the excuses Detroit has. They don’t even try to hide it, it’s like they’re proud of being awful. They also pretend to be the chili capital of the world for some reason even though everyone knows this is bullshit and repeatedly calls them out for it. Fuck Cincinnati.
MIAMI -7.5 vs. Buffalo
This game is so banal that it barely elicits any hate even from a person as miserable and spiteful as I am. I guess I hate the Dolphins’ new uniforms because they made the dolphin on the helmet look like less of a football-playing dolphin and more like one of those symbols that goes on top of Spanish letters. Maybe they were trying to attract more Hispanic fans since, from what I understand about Miami, every person who lives there is an exiled Cuban homosexual. Either way, the new dolphin sucks. Fuck the new dolphin.
Chicago +1 vs. WASHINGTON
All of the hate in this game is directed squarely at the American Indian. Also, fuck Bobby Griffiths Jr.
Dallas +2.5 vs. PHILADELPHIA
Guhhh, I knew we couldn’t get through this week without an NFC East divisional match-up. The NFC East was arguably the most hated division in football before it even housed four of the most pathetic teams to ever compete for a playoff spot. It constantly clogged up primetime games with mediocre teams who always seemed to save their worst for the national spotlight. Now, the games are borderline unwatchable, the players are less likeable than ever, and the fans of every single team in the division are still the top four most insufferable in the league (maybe Steelers fans crack the top four but these are four of the top five, easily.)
I know he isn’t playing on Sunday but let’s not forget that Michael Vick killed a bunch of dogs and then was like “You know, maybe killing all of those dogs was a mistake” and for some reason everyone else was like “Aww he learned his lesson! Let’s never talk about this again or you’re a racist.” Well if loving dogs and not forgiving Michael Vick makes me a racist, then that probably explains why I say the n-word so often. Fuck the NFC East and fuck Michael Vick.
St. Louis +6 vs CAROLINA
I hate that Cam Newton is saddled with a terrible coach and terrible play calling that will magically disappear for a game at a time and everyone will remember “Wow Cam Newton is really good!” and then the coaches will say “Whoa let’s slow this offense down, can’t be scoring points EVERY week!” and so the next game he sucks and everyone thinks “Hey maybe Cam Newton isn’t that good!” This will continue next year when their shitty owner who almost sabotaged the NFL because he’s a greedy old racist hires a new shitty coach. Fuck the Panthers’ coaches and fuck Jerry Richardson.
ATLANTA -7 vs. Tampa Bay
I hate that I can’t quit you, Greg Schiano.
San Francisco -4 vs. TENNESSEE
These stupid inter-conference matchups always bug me because half the time a shitty team will play a better team close and the media will ascribe way too much meaning to what it means in terms of the competitive balance between the conferences, when most of the time the better team is spending half their week preparing for their next opponent because that game actually counts for something. I also hate those commercials where Jim Harbaugh is coaching Pop Warner football, because letting a maniac like Harbaugh near children should be considered abuse and any parent who would do such a thing should have their kids taken away from them. Those NFL VISA contests are stupid anyway. Has anyone ever won one of those? I doubt it, and if they did I don’t think anyone’s ideal NFL experience is having their kid get yelled at by Jim Harbaugh, unless they have some REALLY shitty kids.
GREEN BAY -9.5 vs. Cleveland
God those fucking “Discount Double Check” commercials were bad enough to begin with, and now they added those goddamned Bears Superfans that haven’t been relevant since before Chris Farley died. Sure, it’s nice to see Norm from “Cheers” getting work again, but they need to just let that shit die. There are players in the NFL who weren’t alive when that sketch debuted. Holy shit that can’t be right. Wow, there are kind of a lot of them. Fuck I’m old.
Baltimore +2.5 vs. PITTSBURGH
This is the worst rivalry in football and announcers get hard over it for no good reason. DEFENSE! RUNNING GAME! SMASHMOUTH FOOTBALL! RAPIST QUARTERBACK! PURPLE CAMOUFLAGE! TOWELS! I hope this game ends in a 0-0 tie because that’s what anyone who watches it deserves.
Denver -6 vs. INDIANAPOLIS
Hoo boy. As if the Manning/Luck storyline wasn’t already insufferable enough, that walking bag of used band-aids Jim Irsay had to go and open his mouth with stupid comments about a thing that obviously never happened. I bet Jim Irsay picks up 20 year old girls in his Porsche and invites them over to his condo to smoke pot, then makes them listen to Steely Dan for three hours because they’ve “never heard real music before.” Fuck Jim Irsay.
Minnesota +3.5 vs. NY GIANTS
God what isn’t there to hate about this game? Can Josh Freeman redeem himself in Minnesota? Will the Giants ever actually win a game again? Does anybody care? NOPE! I feel bad that Adrian Peterson’s son died, but all signs point to him not actually giving a shit about the kid, so it’s hard to feel bad for him personally. It’s okay though, because Peterson is a man of faith, and if anybody knows about leaving a son in the care of others so that he could be murdered it’s God.
LAST WEEK: 5-8-2 *moans from the abyss*
SEASON TOTAL: 36-35-5