DICK PICKS, Week 5: UnScene Comedy’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column

Welcome back to Dick Picks, the only internet NFL gambling column written weekly with a gun in the author’s mouth!

Wow last week was rough.  We have officially reached the stage of the season where everything I think is wrong and you should under no circumstances listen to me or purchase my erotic Tom Brady fan fiction. Fun times!

I will say that I am still very surprised at the glaring lack of quality teams in the NFL this year. Even Denver gave up 48 points to Tony Romo this week, which isn’t an encouraging sign if they run into a team that can hold them under 30 (they probably won’t.)

Teams are supposed to have their shit figured out by week 5, and few if any actually do. They quality of play has been so bad that I can’t even imagine what it will look like once they expand the season to 18 games and add teams in Toronto, Los Angeles, London, and Peru. Because like hell they won’t.

The only thing billionaires want is another billion dollars and that is the easiest way for these fuckface owners to get it and despite the games already looking like twenty-two guys trying to fuck each other in a swamp we will eat up what is fed to us and smile and rub our greedy bellies and say “More please!” while Roger Goodell cranks his shaft over falsified reports that concussions are good for you and make your hair thicker and dick larger and FUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKK I’m getting depressed now.  6-7-1 last week. On to the picks, home team in caps.

CHICAGO -7.5 vs. NY Giants

I’m going to Chicago this weekend, but I won’t be there until after this game, which is great, because there is no fan base more insufferable than the Bears’ when their team is winning. When they’re losing they’re harmless because they just ignore football altogether and go back to complaining about the Cubs or pretending they were aware of hockey before 2010. When they’re winning it’s “BEST TEAM SINCE 85!” and dumb sweater vests and all that other obnoxious bullshit until they get eliminated from playoff contention on the last day of the season and the fans pretend the Super Bowl isn’t even a thing. There are actual reports that Tom Coughlin’s health is failing because of the struggles of this team, and I cannot wait for him to croak on the sideline and “Law and Order: Criminal Intent” to rip it from the headlines. “A quarterback schemes with his coach’s estranged wife to play so shittily that the elderly coach’s heart fails, leaving his wife to inherit millions! Death By Interception: The Eli Manning Story!”

Oakland +8.5 vs. KANSAS CITY

I’ve been riding the Chiefs over the past few weeks, and they’ve served me pretty well, I just think this is too many points against an Oakland team that is showing some life and might actually have a coach that isn’t a moron.  I’ve also been riding the “Andy Reid is a fat guy” jokes over the past few weeks and that I don’t think I will stop because they are fun and they are easy. How difficult must it be for Andy Reid to watch players with moist brown skin run around in uniforms that are essentially the color of ketchup and mustard? At least in Philadelphia he could be deterred by confusing the green jerseys with undesirable vegetables, but not any longer.  This is the year Andy Reid loses control and takes a bite out of a player on the sideline.

Philadelphia -1 vs. TAMPA BAY

Two years ago Chip Kelly agreed and then disagreed to coach the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who then hired Greg Schiano, who then spent a year and a half shitting in the eyes and mouths of everybody in the Tampa area.  So this one should be a fun reminder for Buccaneers fans of what their team could have been. I know Vick isn’t playing in this one, but Mike Glennon is, and Mike Glennon is the football equivalent of a club foot. I expect this to be Schiano’s last game in Tampa, which makes me very sad because I’ve never seen such a combination of confused and irate.  He’s like a gorilla that escapes the zoo and doesn’t know what cars are but he knows that he hates them so he pounds on the hood until somebody shoots him with a tranquilizer dart.  Hopefully he will land a job soon with another team I dislike so I can continue to watch him implode on a national scale. (USC! USC! PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE!!!!!!)

BALTIMORE +2 vs. Green Bay

I’ll be in Wisconsin for a part of this weekend attending a college football game and drinking to excess, so I REALLY wanted to take the Packers this week… but I can’t. I’m taking the points here solely because the combination of Green Bay’s offensive line and Terrell Suggs caused State Farm to deny Aaron Rodgers a life insurance policy.  By the end of this season, one of these teams will be good. I’m almost half-sure of it.

Detroit -2.5 vs. CLEVELAND

I was all set to believe in Cleveland as a playoff team until Brandon Weeden came back into our lives. It must be miserable for Browns fans to know that, after a couple of weeks of looking like a threat to steal a division title, they’re handing their offense back to a 46 year old quarterback with three years of football experience and the decision-making ability of a jellyfish. Sure, he didn’t look bad last week against Buffalo, but this is Brandon Weeden we’re talking about.  We KNOW Brandon Weeden. I’m terribly sorry, Browns fans.  I really am.

Carolina +2.5 vs. MINNESOTA

The best way to invigorate an otherwise decent team with two bad quarterbacks on their roster is to add a THIRD bad quarterback who doesn’t know the offense and has already proven to be a headache elsewhere.  I can kind of understand signing Josh Freeman if you think you have a chance at the playoffs this year… but you don’t. So why bother?  If Freeman plays well enough to earn an extension, and prevents Minnesota from taking a quarterback in what is a VERY deep draft at the position, I will be delighted. Carolina has been the hardest team for me to read this season, as I’m pretty sure I’ve picked their games incorrectly every week *doesn’t bother to do the 30 seconds of research required to verify* so expect Minnesota to win by, I don’t know, a hundred?

St. Louis +7 vs. HOUSTON

My brain tells me that this is the week Houston finally plays a decent game and covers a spread, but my heart doesn’t want Matt Schaub’s pick six streak to ever end. It’s really been tremendous to watch him fuck up so spectacularly and so consistently.  I can’t pick a quarterback to cover a touchdown spread when he was benched for TJ Yates just a week earlier, and knows he will be benched in this game for making even the slightest error.  If Matt Schaub was playing that poorly with no threat to his job, I can’t wait to see how he plays when his leash is this short.  I want this to be a meltdown of catastrophic proportions. I want to see him to pull an Aaron Brooks and throw the ball 20 yards backwards downfield, then pee on himself, then call the president the n-word. Come on Matt.  You can do it buddy.

NY JETS -2.5 vs. Pittsburgh

Geno Smith played like a grown-ass man on Monday night, so I have to take back some of the criticism I’ve been laying on him.  Having said that, the Falcons’ defense is both tragic and hilarious all at once. Kind of like a person with Alzheimer’s. The good news for the Jets is that the Steelers D hasn’t been much better, and their offense is much, much worse.  I’d love to see Pittsburgh gain zero yards of total offense and have Todd Haley get fired on the sideline, and he’ll just be like “Whatever bro, I don’t need this job. I’ll just go work at my dad’s investment firm.”  Todd Haley looks like a country club golf-pro, and this makes me want to punch him a lot of times in his dumb face.

BUFFALO +7 vs. Cincinnati

I am not making the mistake of picking against the Bills at home again. Especially against that ginger asshole Andy Dalton.  Announcers love Andy Dalton, presumably because he’s the furthest thing from a black person that a quarterback can be, and it gets very frustrating to hear them continue making excuses for him when he just clearly isn’t very talented.  That’s where I come in to point out that Andy Dalton, in fact, sucks.  If you were thinking about betting on Andy Dalton on the road this weekend, don’t.  Because he sucks.  This message has been brought to you by “Angry Loners Against Fuckface Ginger Quarterbacks Who Do Nothing But Lose Them Money.”

SEATTLE -13.5 vs. Tennessee

Seattle is back home after two tough road games, and they are rewarded with Ryan Fitzpatrick. Sorry Ryan, maybe if football was the SATs you would be good at it.  After a pretty pedestrian start to the season, Russell Wilson put in work last week, and that means we could be in for another stretch like in the second half of last year where he took over games and made defenses look foolish. I’m partial to Wilson because he had the best season a quarterback has ever had at my college, and when he’s on his game he’s incredibly fun to watch.  So how about we talk about that instead of what a nice young fellow he is? And you know these idiots don’t even do it because they give a shit that he’s charitable or humble or religious or whatever. They’re just happy that he’s willing to sit down and talk to them.  Sports writers, analysts, and commentators get big old hearty boners for anyone who actually gives them the time of day to answer their inane fucking questions. They wouldn’t care if Russell Wilson’s house was an Ariel Castro sex prison as long as he smiled at them and told him he liked their tie. Everyone on television is the worst.

DENVER -26.5 vs. Jacksonville

Well here it is everyone, the supposed beat down of the century. The best offense football has ever seen against the worst everything that football has ever seen. I was tempted to take the points using the mindset that Denver would probably be up 35-0 at halftime and then roll out the scrubs, but I don’t think Jacksonville’s starters could even cover 10 points against Denver’s back-ups. I will be rooting hard for Jacksonville, simply because a Jaguars win would give me an orgasmic level of schadenfreude, but they don’t have a prayer. I fully support moving the Jaguars to London, but only if they are relegated to the Premier League and forced to play the bad kind of football that we all hate.

Arizona +11 vs. SAN FRANCISCO

What the fuck is it with you and the 49ers, Las Vegas? Nobody has figured out if the 49ers are actually good yet, not even the 49ers, so let’s relax on making them a double digit favorite against anybody who isn’t the Jaguars, especially a division rival with a tough defense. They’re more than capable of covering, but this is too many points for me to trust that they will.  Arizona tends to make games ugly and unwatchable. Pairing up last week’s Broncos/Cowboys game with the Panthers/Cardinals game was like watching two completely different sports, one of which was dynamic and exciting, and one of which was excruciating and miserable. Guess which one the Cardinals played in!

New Orleans +3 vs. NEW ENGLAND

I kind of expected New Orleans to be giving a point or two in this game. After the way the Pats’ offense looked last week, this team could be in some trouble, especially when they run into a team that loves to blitz like the Saints do.  Historically, Tom Brady has been great against the blitz, but that was because he was relying on good communication on quick throws to his receivers. This year, with that communication being off, the receivers being less reliable, the offensive line not holding up as well, and Brady being generally inaccurate, teams have been able to use the blitz to force a lot more three and outs than we’re used to seeing from New England.  I just wrote that sentence while slamming my head in a car door. The Pats have been leaning on their defense to force key turnovers and get important stops to keep them in games, but I think that ends this week. I think the Saints run away with this one and then I start the second largest fire in Chicago history.

Washington +5.5 vs. DALLAS


So Tony Romo plays the game of his life and then goes and Romos it all up at the end.  It’s getting to the point where it’s fucking tragic.  If he throws that interception three minutes earlier like Peyton Manning did he’s probably not getting killed for it all week.  Probably, but people love piling on Tony Romo, so who knows. Also did you know that Bobby Griffiths Jr. went to college in Texas?!  It’s true!  Look it up! Or wait for Chris Collinsworth and Al Michaels and all of the NBC studio dickheads to tell you about it 100 times.  I’m taking the points because I said I would in every NFC East divisional game and I’m standing by that because these teams are putrid river trash and should only be broadcast in Guantanamo.

Indianapolis -1.5 vs. SAN DIEGO

You can take the offense away from Norv, but you can’t take the Norv away from the offense.  I would say this is the most San Diego Chargers team ever if the 2013 Atlanta Falcons weren’t currently the most San Diego Chargers team ever. Universal betting strategy says always take the West Coast team on Monday Night Football because of sleep patterns and historical data and all kinds of other fancy stuff. My betting strategy says fuck Phillip Rivers.  Also, Gruden is going to get real thirsty for Andrew Luck in this game, and I’d watch it and count how many times he says “I’ll tell ya, this kid…” but I’ll be doing less painful things like pulling off my toenails. I’d be surprised if he doesn’t get so worked up that he runs out of the booth and tries to fuck him right there on the 50 yard line.


LAST WEEK:  6-7-1 *cocks gun*
SEASON TOTAL:  31-27-3

Rich is a contributor for UnSceneComedy.com

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