Sam Hunt (via tasteofcountry.com)
Welcome back to another edition of Rich Karski’s A SONG I HEARD TODAY: the only internet music review column that you can read your children as a bedtime story to turn them wicked gay in their sleep.
I realize that up to this point I’ve basically been spinning the classics and reviewing songs that you’ve all probably got on the “Summer Jamz” mix CD that has been stuck in your car’s CD player since August of 1998. That’s why this week I decided to branch out of my comfort zone and into uncharted territory. That territory is the gosh darn REAL USA and the land of popular country music.
I know what you’re thinking if you’re from a state that has little to no tornado activity and very few alligators: there is no such thing as popular country music. Well, I assure you there is.
It even has become popular at bars in the Northeast that you would probably never go to unless you’re a college nursing major or a guy in a polo shirt trying to have sex with a college nursing major. These people have proliferated throughout the country like a plague of locusts that feed off of Fireball whiskey and group photos where nobody is looking at the same thing.
Provided said cowboy has a 401k Plan, generous benefits and is mostly scabies-free. (via imgarcade.com)
I went into the belly of the beast, and decided to see what exactly was so special about this bullshit that I hate and think is really fucking stupid and bad.
But where was I to start? Well, I am peripherally aware of some country music people. There’s Toby Keith, who was considered an American political hero by idiots after 9/11, and then followed that success with a song about getting horses drunk. There is Blake Shelton, who is a nice man that I talked to at an airport once and my mom thinks is handsome because he drinks liquor and smiles on network television. There is a popular band called Lady Antebellum whose name is literally pro-slavery. Also Hootie!
I didn’t want to choose one of these probably very easy targets, so I decided to just see whatever song was at the top of the country charts and pick that one.
That song turned out to be “Take Your Time” by a man named Sam Hunt.
I knew absolutely nothing about Sam Hunt until I listened to this song and holy shit he is Everlast. That’s all he is, is Everlast. He starts off kind of rap talking which was a little shocking because I did not expect a bad southern rapper to be at the top of the country charts which probably shows how close-minded I am, but thankfully also shows that the people I was talking about above are ruining country music, or at least re-ruining it, by introducing rap into the genre. It’s a real loss for everyone involved which makes me incredibly happy for obvious reasons.
I know I have a $500 haircut but if this pickup truck is any indicator, clearly, I’m just a regular guy. (via usatoday.com)
On first listen, I didn’t even know what the song was about because holy Christ it was so bad. All I could focus on was how bad it was. I don’t know. Maybe the “take your time” was just this guy’s mantra because he was talking too fast during the verses to be understood? Fuck if I know. I was just rocking back and forth, trying not to turn off the fucking song because I am DEDICATED TO MY CRAFT. Let’s finally get into the lyrics so I can leave this madness behind.
So he starts off by talking to a woman at a bar about how he wasn’t sure if she was looking at him, but he noticed her smile and he “couldn’t just walk by and not say hi.” So we immediately learn that he is a creep at a bar using tired lines to pick up women and he is probably wearing a v-neck t-shirt. You actually could have walked by and not said hi Sam. It would have been really easy. Just walk by, and don’t use your mouth or vocal chords to upset a woman that you don’t know just because you’re horny.
“And I know your name/cause everybody in here knows your name”
Wow. “I asked around and found out your name from one of the other creeps here. This is what I decided to open with. I was physically unable to not annoy you with my advances and by the way I already know your name. I think we should fuck because I did the minimal amount of research to be considered a stalker.”
“And you’re not looking for anything right now”
Then leave her alone?
“So I don’t wanna come on strong”
Then go away?
“You don’t know me/I don’t know you but I want to”
DUDE what the fuck did you JUST say? You’re not only a creep but you’re also a liar. You are actually somehow worse than Everlast, and Everlast is partially responsible for Fred Durst. Everlast once put a lyric about smacking a woman in the same verse as a lyric about Bible Psalms. Sam Hunt is still worse.
“I don’t want to steal your freedom”
I’m very glad that in your first conversation with a woman that isn’t interested in you, you made it very clear that you don’t want to make her your slave. Normal people wouldn’t have to say this, but I’m really glad you did because I was getting worried. There’s some other bullshit parts of the chorus but then he gets to the part where he says the name of the song in the song! That’s always the best part, right?!
“I just wanna take your time”
Fucking Sam Hunt you heinous piece of shit that’s exactly what you’re doing. This would be less creepy if you were some kind of witch literally feeding off of her youth. Instead it’s: “Look I’m not trying to be your boyfriend I would just like to waste your night because I am a sociopath that has yet to learn how to mimic normal human social cues. I basically have sex Asperger’s. Do you like trains? Either the sex kind or the choo choo kind is okay. I’ve been on six trains. Not the sex kind.”
“And I know it starts with a hello…. Some guy getting too close/Trying to pick you up/Trying to get you drunk”
Ohhhh I get it know. You’re the white knight! You’re defending this helpless woman from other horrible men who might want to accost her and sully her good name! My hero! Everybody should fuck you because you’re one of the nice guys who would never let a helpless woman sit alone at a bar and potentially be confronted with a bad dick. You just want to be friends, but not for too long because if she’s friends with you for more than six days without falling in love with you then you’re in the friendzone and she automatically turns into a tease and a cunt #gamergate.
I officially checked out. This song was written by the least self-aware motherfucker of all-time. If you ever have the misfortune of hearing this fucking song “Well, then you really might know what it’s liiiiiike” if Everlast were a sex offender/pick up artist.
This song gets an F and country music can go fuck itself forever because this song basically made me join ISIS.
So please never listen to it for as long as you live because ISIS is better than this song and now I’m going to go hang out in the desert with ISIS because I bet they would never listen to it.*
* Author’s note: My attorney has advised me to not threaten to join ISIS, talk about joining ISIS, and to refrain from saying that ISIS is better than anything. If the government is reading this, I assure you I am not currently considering and would never consider joining ISIS. And also fuck you. ISIS rules.**
** Attorney’s note: All references my client has made to ISIS in this article were actually referring to the Egyptian goddess Isis. He is a student of Ancient Egyptian Mythology and Anthropology and has always been fascinated by the cult of Isis. He is not even aware of the terrorist organization of the same name. He just loves Ancient Egypt. Honestly. ***
*** Author’s note: Ancient Egypt sucks. I don’t know what this clown is talking about. ****
**** Attorney’s note: Fuck this kid, I resign.
