Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that sucks and you suck and I hate you.

Last week was my best week ever and I made a lot of money and now I’m moving to whatever that country is near France with all the casinos. The James Bond one. I want to say Monte Cristo but that’s a delicious sandwich and possibly a fictional jail. Monte Carlo? That’s a car too. Why is everything named after something? I’m sick of it.

God the games last week were awful. I’m not sure how anybody watches the NFL without gambling on it because this shit is unbearable. Everything is a penalty and all of the quarterbacks stink and I’ve never enjoyed the game less. You can tell the owners don’t watch the goddamned game because they’re all sitting on their dicks wondering why fewer people are watching. I’m not sure how you can watch Joe Flacco and not realize there are fewer viewers because anybody who sees him throw a football dies in a well seven days later like the fucking Ring. What does this week have to offer? MORE BULLSHIT! ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 13-2-1. As always home teams are in caps.

Washington -2.5 vs. DALLAS

The Cowboys are fucking awful and it rules. I know Pats fans are unbearable but last year I found out about a dozen people I know are Cowboys fans and that will really make you question a person’s judgment. Like finding out someone you respect is a Christian or a Dr. Who fan or a Greek.

Detroit +3 vs. BALTIMORE

These two quarterbacks make like $50 million a year between them and that is one of the greatest indictments of capitalism I can think of. They’re supposed to have two of the strongest arms in the league and they rarely throw five yards past the line of scrimmage. Joe Flacco is putting up Big Ten QB numbers and it’s goddamn pathetic. Baltimore is going to make the playoffs and I’m going to scream until my lungs bleed.

San Francisco +3 vs. CHICAGO

Eyyyyyyy Jimmy Da Wop gettin’ his first start in Italian Beef City oooooooooh parmigiana. John Fox admitted this week that the Bears don’t really know what they’re doing. I feel like these past two seasons for Fox have been some kind of Costanza-esque exercise in getting himself fired but the team won’t bite. If he coaches this week in a flesh-colored bodysuit then my suspicions will be confirmed.

ATLANTA -3 vs. Minnesota

Hey this game might be good! But probably not! I feel like the Case Keenum house of cards is going to fall at any minute and he’ll be yanked for Teddy Bridgewater who will not be ready and an infuriating QB carousel will develop just in time to ruin the hopes and dreams of all Vikings fans, right on schedule. I know the Vikings look great, but that’s part of their con. It’s called a honey pot sting look it up.

New England -9 vs. BUFFALO

Oh great now the Bills are trying again. Well, New England should still kick their asses because they’re not very good. Sean McDermott doesn’t seem to know what the hell he is doing and I’m fairly confident he has won most games by accident. It’s possible he has an assistant on the sideline distracting him with some keys so he doesn’t yank Tyrod and try to play quarterback himself.

Denver -1.5 vs. MIAMI

Piss on this game. Piss on these teams. Fucking blue and orange nightmare get me out of here.

TENNESSEE -6.5 vs. Houston

Jesus Christ goddammit the AFC South makes me so sad. It’s like the real south, only black people are treated better and everything isn’t sticky.

Indianapolis +9.5 vs. JACKSONVILLE

Ugh this slate is already hideous and there are so many more games. This is the fucking Bataan Death March of football. Blake Bortles is somehow fucking 25 years old. Motherfucker looks like a gypsy cursed him and he’s transforming into present day John C. Reilly. I guess living in Jacksonville will do that to a man. Your skin can only absorb so much paper factory exhaust smoke before you turn into a literal scarecrow.

GREEN BAY PK vs. Tampa Bay

I do not have to write anything about this game and you can’t make me.

Kansas City -3 vs. NY JETS

Everything is slowly unraveling for the Chiefs, and if they have another pathetic offensive performance they’re going to have to consider putting Patrick Mahomes in a game. This is a troubling turn of events for a team that trounced the Pats on opening night, won five straight, and looked like the favorites to win it all. When asked about his team’s recent slide Andy Reid said “Did you say piece of pie?”

NEW ORLEANS -4.5 vs. Carolina

The NFC South has designs on getting three teams into the playoffs, but I feel like these teams are going to eat each other alive over the next few weeks and somehow we’ll be watching Matt Stafford lose another wild card game on the road. Cam Newton has been quietly terrible this year, with 19 total touchdowns vs. 17 total turnovers. It’s easy to ignore poor on-field performance when off-field you walk around dressed like a cartoon wolf from the 1940s.

LA CHARGERS -13.5 vs. Cleveland

Hue Jackson is 1-26 with the Cleveland Browns which is fucking baffling to even look at, but his one win is against these Chargers. If you’re the Chargers and you’re the only team that has lost to Hue Jackson’s Browns that’s an embarrassment that needs to be rectified. I expect the Chargers to win by 100 and I’m still going to shit on them for being the only team Hue Jackson has beat with the fucking Browns.

LA Rams -7 vs. ARIZONA

Fuuuuuuuuuuccckkkkkk are we almost done here?

OAKLAND -9 vs. NY Giants

Oh goddammit do I have to talk about Eli Manning? Everyone else is talking about Eli Manning but I feel like just because everybody else is doing something doesn’t mean I should be doing it unless it’s drugs in which case yes I would like some drugs do you have drugs?

SEATTLE +6 vs. Philadelphia

My friend Adam says he is hammering Philadelphia any time they are giving less than a touchdown but much like these teams’ mascots Adam is a bird and his bird judgment is clouded by the bird conflict happening here. I, a non-bird, can think objectively about these bird-ass teams and say “No Adam, I think the Seahawks will cover the spread at home because it is loud there.”

CINCINNATI +5.5 vs. Pittsburgh

If Pittsburgh didn’t have Antonio Brown they would be the fucking Jaguars with a worse defense this team can fuck off. I’m calling it right here: They will lose to Andy Dalton on Monday Night Football and Andy Dalton and Jon Gruden will rub their gross ginger heads together and make a sex fire.

LAST WEEK: 13-2-1

SEASON TOTAL: 81-86-10

Rich is a contributor for UnSceneComedy.com

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