Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that donates to support Las Vegas every week.

*Sigh* Well I was almost above .500 last week. If you saw the end of the Chiefs/Washington game, that was the difference. A meaningless fumble return touchdown, with no time left, to cover the spread is one of those things that desperate gamblers try to talk themselves into as a possibility when they’re chasing points late in the game. It’s not something you ever think is really going to happen, but it creeps into your head as being in the realm of long-shot possibilities. I can tell you from experience that being on the other side of it is an incredible feeling. Like watching a dog steal a slice of pizza off the table and run away while everybody tries to chase him but he’s already gone. Being on the wrong side however, is devastating. Like watching the Hamburglar steal a hamburger while everyone just kind of stands there and you’re like “WHAT THE FUCK JUST TACKLE HIM JESUS CHRIST.” Bad beats happen, and if you’re going to keep gambling you have to shake them off. Like a dog trying to shake the vomit off his chin after he throws up from eating too much pizza. ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 7-8-0, and as always the home team is in caps.

New England -5 vs. TAMPA BAY

The Pats are officially mediocre, but I’m not sure any teams aren’t this year. I do know that the Pats defense is far and away the worst single unit in the NFL, which is a huge upset considering the Jets offense was supposed to score zero touchdowns this season. Now they’re tied with each other for second in the division. A lot of people are saying this is karma, but that kind of rings hollow when they’ve won two of the past three Super Bowls. It’s more like when a really rich and successful guy goes bald. Sure they still have the life that you never will, but you can still look at him and say “Nice hair… NOT!” and that’s what counts.

LA Chargers +3 vs. NY GIANTS

I think I have picked the Chargers every week and lost every week so why would I stop touching the stove now? A lot of people are going to be talking about how Phillip Rivers and Eli Manning were traded for each other, but I’m not. That was a long time ago. Stop living in the past, bitch.

Buffalo +3 vs. CINCINNATI

I would like to address this section specifically to my friend Adam and let him know I am NOT picking Buffalo because Buffalo is good. They are not good. Cincinnati is bad. Stop telling me that Buffalo is good because I don’t believe you. Also, if you receive an envelope with no return address and it seems like it’s moving please still open the envelope because I doubt it is full of spiders I really don’t think anybody would go through the trouble of mailing you a bunch of spiders just open it.

CLEVELAND +1 vs. NY Jets

I would honestly rather collect another 60+ spiders and seal them in another envelope and mail them to my friend Adam again than watch this terrible game.

PITTSBURGH -8 vs. Jacksonville

Antonio Brown was mad about not getting the ball enough, and last week when offensive coordinator Todd Haley grabbed him he turned around and slapped his hand away. This caused people to a) lose their goddamned minds, and b) write a bunch of bullshit about how Brown is selfish and has a bad attitude. My two personal thoughts are: 1) Antonio Brown is the best player on your team and has single handedly won you about a dozen games over the past two seasons. Give him the fucking ball all the time. And 2) If that 3pm-strip-club-patron-lookin-assed motherfucker Todd Haley touched me with his greasy pomade hands I would have punched him in the mouth, so good on you for showing such restraint Antonio.

INDIANAPOLIS -1 vs. San Francisco

Jesus Christ these games stink. I would recommend watching something more interesting on Sunday, like church. Church on TV kind of rules because you can make the jerkoff motion and roll your eyes the whole time but no god can punish you because you’re technically in your own home, not his. Don’t bring your home into my home if you don’t want me make believe jerkin off at it is what I’m saying.

PHILADELPHIA -6.5 vs. Arizona

Bird-ass game.

MIAMI -3 vs. Tennessee

This is the official Kaepernick Blackball Bowl. Instead of either of these teams giving an above average starter in his prime a chance to save their seasons, we get to see an over the hill and clearly uninterested Jay Cutler go up against I shit you fucking not the same Matt Cassell/Brandon Weeden tandem that fucked up the Cowboys so badly they fell ass backwards into Ezekiel Elliot. AND THAT WAS TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO. These teams can fucking rot.

DETROIT -2.5 vs. Carolina

Cam Newton threw away any good will he garnered from beating the Patriots by being a misogynistic dick to a reporter. Just kidding people in Carolina probably loved that shit. “Take little missy down a peg Cam. I wouldn’t let you date my daughter but I’d sure let you tell her to shut up when the menfolk were talking.”

LA RAMS -1 vs. Seattle

We truly are living on the strangest timeline. Side note did you see the Rams uniforms last week? They had white and blue helmets but kept the gold trim on their jerseys so it looked like they accidentally brought the wrong helmets to Dallas. It made me irrationally angry every time I saw the highlights of that game. I kept screaming about it to my girlfriend and the most I could get out of her was “I guess I can see what you’re saying.” I am not a crackpot.

OAKLAND -2.5 vs. Baltimore

RIP Joe Flacco your career is officially over when I’m laying points with EJ Manuel because I have more faith in his ability to run a competent offense. Take your hundreds of millions of dollars and crawl back to Delaware in shame.

Green Bay +2 vs. DALLAS

WHOA AN ACTUAL GAME WORTH WATCHING?? What’s the catch?? Are they playing this game on an aircraft carrier or something? Was Aaron Rogers indicted for a Ponzi scheme? Is Chris Christie going to be there? There’s gotta be something we’re missing that is going to make this game unbearable. Maybe Mike McCarthy will wear a tank top.

HOUSTON PK vs. Kansas City

Andy Reid successfully ran a two minute offense on Monday night and honestly he doesn’t even look that fat anymore compared to other coaches in the league so I don’t know if this is even a world I want to live in. I believe in Deshaun Watson though, and not just because my friend Adam told me to speaking of which Adam if you see that envelope I was talking about please open it like, upside down over your face, kind of like in a cartoon when they don’t think anything is in the envelope so they turn it upside down and whatever was in there falls out onto their face. I doubt any spiders will fall out of it.

Minnesota -3 vs. CHICAGO

Welcome to the NFL Mitch Trubisky we love to kiss titties too.

LAST WEEK: 7-8-0


Rich is a contributor for UnSceneComedy.com

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