Dick’s Picks: Week 9

Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that is shadow-funded by the alt-right to distract people from their neck acne.


This is the official middle of the NFL season. Everybody at this point usually does their mid-season awards because it is easy and people don’t want to come up with original ideas and that is exactly my kind of writing so here are my current mid-season award winner:


MVP: Whoever threw that dildo at the Bills game. Haha, nice.


Offensive Player of the Year: Dildo guy again. He came out of nowhere to put on the performance of a lifetime.


Defensive Player of the Year: That ref who kicked the dildo off of the field. He knew that touching the dildo would have made him gay so he made sure to defend his sexuality by kicking it to the sideline. “Ew a dildo. If my wife sees me pick that up she’ll probably use my hand for scale and start looking them up on Amazon.” Good work Dildo Ref.


Coach of the Year: Rex Ryan. I had a friend who is new to watching football over for Sunday’s game and Rex Ryan made a face that he described as looking “like he’s watching a dog dunk a basketball.” So there you have it. Rex Ryan looks like he’s always watching his team lose a basketball game to a dog. How do you beat that?


Game of the Year: Arizona 6, Seattle 6. This was the game we all deserved and I hope it’s the game that defines Roger Goodell’s legacy. Red, salty, and impotent.


Play of the Year: From last week’s tie, Kirk Cousins’ overtime Hail Mary. Needing to get the ball at least near the end zone to have a chance, he heaved a miraculous rainbow that traveled about 15 yards in the air and another ten yards out of bounds. No matter what happens in the second half of the season, we can always count on Kirk Cousins to be the real dildo on the field.


ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 7-6-0. As always home team is in caps.


ATLANTA -4 vs. Tampa Bay


Tampa gave up 500 yards passing to Derek Carr last week and now they have to deal with Julio Jones so I think that’s going to be a problem. At least it would be if anybody was going to watch this game. This is what the NFL gets for going head to head with X-Files reruns on MyTV.


KANSAS CITY -7.5 vs. Jacksonville


Jacksonville fired their offensive coordinator this week because they needed some kind of scapegoat for their current shitty season. Meanwhile Kansas City has turned to Nick Foles because Alex Smith had his head bounced off the turf like a basketball and now his brain is scrambled. When first informed Andy Reid said “Gimmie a break” but to be fair he’s been repeating that nonstop since he woke up from his Halloween Kit Kat bender.


Detroit +6.5 vs. MINNESOTA


Norv Turner is also gone! This should only mean good things for Minnesota but fuck any team that is supposed to have the best defense in the league and loses a game to Jay Cutler. Some of my Minnesota friends were bragging about Sam Bradford being an MVP candidate like they forgot that Minnesota sports teams aren’t allowed to have nice things anymore. I hope they’ve learned their lesson.


Philadelphia +2 vs. NY GIANTS


*throws up both middle fingers and then literally throws up*


Dallas -7 vs. CLEVELAND


Dak Prescott will continue to wow people by beating bad teams but frankly in the NFL this year every team is bad so I’m not really sure what he could do to impress me, specifically. Maybe do it drunk? He should get drunk before this game. If he can beat the Browns while he’s drunk then I’ll have a little more respect for the man.


MIAMI -4 vs. NY Jets


RIP Darrelle Revis I will always fondly remember how you won the Super Bowl with the Patriots in your last effective season and then fucked back off to the Jets to die. Farewell sweet prince.

BALTIMORE vs. Pittsburgh OFF


There’s no line on this game because people are waiting to see if Ben Roethlisberger makes the start and you should just expect him to play because HE’S SO BIG AND TOUGH I HOPE I DON’T EVER GET TRAPPED IN A BATHROOM WITH THAT TENACIOUS FELLA!


New Orleans -3.5 vs. SAN FRANCISCO


The most interesting thing I can say about this game is that both of these teams have gold helmets, which, according to a cursory glance at this website I have open, is fairly rare in the NFL. Oh, also remember when I told you about how Chip Kelly was going to try to trick everyone into thinking he was an unappreciated genius by winning his first game convincingly and then it would all fall apart? Sometimes I’m right and I need to remind you of those times. My therapist says it’s good for my self-esteem.


Carolina -3 vs. LOS ANGELES


I built both of my fantasy football teams around Todd Gurley this year so I guess in a vacuum you could say that I am as stupid as Jeff Fisher.


GREEN BAY -7.5 vs. Indianapolis


A lot of quarterbacks will take their offensive lines out for dinner or buy them gifts like trucks or chainsaws or whatever offensive linemen like. If I were either of these two quarterbacks I would buy my offensive line a box full of bees and when you open the box and the bees fly out they spell “FUCK YOU” with their bodies before they sting everybody.


Tennessee +5 vs. SAN DIEGO


See, now this is the type of game San Diego loses. They play tough against a division opponent, everybody spends the week throwing out stats and talking about how much better they are than their record, people start calling them a second half dark horse, and then boom. 23-16 Titans. Philip Rivers is never going to be able to live out his dream of fathering half the population of San Diego because he spends half his career stepping on his own dick.


OAKLAND PK vs. Denver


I know it’s an 8:30 EST game but I am going all in on the Raiders this year. They are the best bad team I’ve seen since the 2014 Colts, and Jack del Rio seems to have gone entirely insane. This team will give up 1000 yards in a game this year and still somehow win. I’m very excited to watch them lose a playoff game 52-49.


SEATTLE -7 vs. Buffalo


Percy Harvin is back and he’s looking for revenge! Hahahaha no not really. It would be pretty great if that dildo was some sort of viral marketing campaign for Harvin’s return though. “You guys like dicks? You guys like gimmicky distractions? Wait until you see what we have planned for this week!” Seattle’s game plan to defend against Harvin is probably just to say mean things to him until he quits again.





Rich is a contributor for UnSceneComedy.com

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