Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that has taken over several nature preserves specifically for the purpose of shaming animals for their nudity.
I finished the regular season ten games under .500, which isn’t so terrible considering the horrible start I had to the season, but still… NOT VERY GOOD YOU GUYS! The postseason offers me the chance to redeem myself, as I get to bet against the likes of AJ McCarron, Brian Hoyer, Kirk Cousins, and Teddy Bridgewater. BUT WILL I???
I’ve had a pretty rough week, as my dog has been very sick and I’m trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with him amidst many shoulder shrugs from vets who mostly are just trying to be helpful and do their jobs but also HEY FUCK YOU THIS COSTS A LOT OF MONEY FOR ME TO COME IN HERE AND HAVE YOU ASK ME IF HE ATE OUT OF THE GARBAGE OF COURSE HE ATE OUT OF THE GARBAGE HE IS A FUCKING DOG AND AN ANARCHIST WHO DOES NOT RESPECT THE RULES OF YOUR “SOCIETY!” This dog did not get sick from eating out of the garbage. I once caught him eating a dirty Brillo pad and all that did was make him develop a taste for Brillo pads.
I was carrying him to the vet because he won’t walk there because he is a SOLDIER who doesn’t need any of your fancy-pants doctorin’ like a real tough guy. The whole time we’re walking there he’s growling because he knows what’s going on and he’s pissed, but he won’t make eye contact with me. He’s just staring down strangers while I carry him like some kind of rabid machine gun loaded with hatred for authority instead of bullets.
As this is happening, “Cowboys from Hell” comes on in my headphones, and we had this perfect moment where this song is blasting in my ears and my dog is growling at strangers, causing two adults and one child to cross the street as we approached OUT OF PURE FEAR. YOU SEE US COMING AND YOU ALL TOGETHER RUN FOR COVER! STEP ASIDE MOTHERFUCKER BECA– USE ME AND THIS FUCKING DOG ARE THE COWBOYS FROM HELL! Just two rebels walking down the street pissed off at the world and scaring the normies. It was a perfect moment, and if this whole thing ends up going to shit that’s how I’m going to remember this badass fucked-up and rude dog. ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 7-8-1. As always, home team is in caps.
HOUSTON +3 vs. Kansas City
A weekend full of home dogs! At least one of these teams will win outright because that’s how the NFL works and that’s how gambling works and the goal of this exercise is to pick which one it’s going to be. How can you go wrong picking against Andy Reid when the words “wing” “eating” and “contest” are not involved?
KC has won ten games in a row. TEN! Streaks like that do not last, especially when your quarterback is Alex Smith and especially when you have no timeouts after the third quarter because Andy Reid was holding his play sheet upside down and accidentally called for a kneel-down on 4th and 1, then challenged the ensuing punt out of bounds, and then used his third timeout to pick some pork out of his teeth. JJ Watt and Bill O’Brien might win this game just by yelling.
Pittsburgh -3 vs. CINCINNATI
Hahaha AJ McCarron is not winning a playoff game. Fuck you, no he isn’t. HOWEVER, if he does this is going to be the greatest thing to ever happen to my hate boner for Andy Dalton. Do you bench McCarron for the worst playoff QB of the past decade? Does Andy Dalton go into New England with a thumb that’s still probably kind of fucked up knowing his backup just won his only playoff game and didn’t even curl up into the fetal position after throwing a horrible interception ONCE during the whole game? Would the Bengals cut the quarterback they just paid a shit-ton of money for to start somebody who played QB at ALABAMA??? Hahaha no, Mike Brown is cheap as fuck and would probably try to trade him to Houston or something and Bill O’Brien might take the bait but would end up benching him for Hoyer anyway. Either way, this is an incredible turn of events for my schadenfreude.
Pittsburgh probably wins this game, but I bet they do it unconvincingly so that everybody talks up Peyton Manning next week before the Steelers lay the fucking wood to Denver. Pittsburgh is probably going to the Super Bowl, and Arizona or Seattle is probably going to take swift, violent revenge on them for previous Super Bowl losses which would be nice because then we don’t have to watch a rapist smiling on television like a fucking hero. Speaking of which…
Seattle -5 vs. MINNESOTA
Oh no way Minnesota pulls this one off. They got their moral victory by beating the Packers and winning the division and their reward is to get the team that already shithoused them once in their own (temporary) building. Nice job Vikings, thanks for playing.
It’s going to be zero degrees at this game and as somebody who went to a zero degree playoff game one time IT’S NOT A GOOD TIME! Sure, going to football games isn’t a real good time in general, but now imagine you’re watching the game from far away at a bad angle, while you are also literally dying. Oh and very cold weather football is not fun to watch. I want to see if Teddy Bridgewater can throw a football more than eight yards in this weather. The football will feel like a fucking bowling ball to him and half of his passes might not even get past the line of scrimmage.
So this game may boil down to AP vs. Beast Mode. Pretty much a toss up now that Seattle’s offensive line isn’t made up of local oafs. Russell Wilson is probably what’s going to seal this for the Seahawks though, since he’s been the best quarterback in the league (and kind of in history too!) over the past month. Probably because God told him to do it and he was like “shit why didn’t I think of that! Also, you should have told me to do that in the Super Bowl instead of telling me to throw that interception but whatevs I’m gonna go soak it in my hot girlfriend because that’s totally not a sin.”
WASHINGTON -1 vs. Green Bay
OH HELL YEAH! KIRK COUSINS IS GOING TO LEAD THE MAKE YOUR OWN DILDOS TO THE PROMISED LAND! That promise is most likely an ass-kicking in Carolina but also a $100 million dollar contract. FOR KIRK COUSINS! He will probably be paid more than Tom Brady next year which is exactly what this idiot franchise deserves. I hope Bobby Griffiths Jr. goes to the Eagles next year on a minimum salary and only wins two games but those games are against the Make Your Owns and he wins them by 30, then he hits Jay Gruden with his dick and Roger Goodell has a stroke.
I’m not really sure what’s going on with the Packers. You can blame the o-line and the receivers, but Rodgers isn’t really dealing with much worse than Cam Newton and Tom Brady have been scratching by with (granted the Pats are 2-4 since everyone died. Rest in peace everyone.) My instinct is to blame Mike McCarthy because he kind of just sits there on the sidelines like a lump all day. Now that he doesn’t call plays what exactly is his job? Does he just give speeches? I can’t imagine listening to a speech from Mike McCarthy. “Listen guys… this game… is like a… a… it’s like a woman. You want it, so you fight for it, but then you lose it to someone better than you. NO WAIT! This game is like a… cheesesteak. You want it, so you fight for it, and then it kind of falls into your lap as you doze off. Yeah. That works.”
LAST WEEK: 7-8-1 *womp womp*
SEASON TOTAL: 117-127-12
….Hey you guys! UnScene dropped the ball over the holidays and forgot to post a few of Karski’s articles. (We will surely burn in hell.) If you want catch DICK PICKs Week’s 16 and 17 check them out below!
DICK PICKS Week 17
Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that is really mailing it in until the playoffs.
It’s the New Year, and you’re burnt out, and I’m burnt out, and the regular season has been garbage and we’re all ready for it to end. Some people want to pretend it wasn’t so bad, but just in terms of player disappointment, I looked at the first 24 picks in my fantasy football draft, and maybe 7 of them finished the year with any type of impact. NOT GREAT! Let’s get right to the games here and we’ll see if I can find anything interesting to say about them. Most teams are eliminated from the playoffs, so maybe I’ll try to guess what they’ll be doing in the offseason. Or maybe I’ll just say the f-word a lot and lean on profanity to drive this column. ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 8-7-1. As always, home team is in caps.
NY Jets -2.5 vs. BUFFALO
This offseason we already know Buffalo is getting rid of Mario Williams, so he’ll probably spend his time off trying to find a new place to live since he doesn’t have to live in a Western New York shithole anymore. Rex Ryan will probably spend his offseason cutting the eyes out of pictures of Bill Belichick.
CAROLINA -10.5 vs. Tampa Bay
Carolina surprisingly hasn’t locked up home field advantage yet so they’ll make sure to send Tampa out on a sour note. Jameis Winston will spend his offseason outside of prison which is weird since he’s a rapist and that should be unusual for somebody who has committed a heinous crime. No wonder he smiles like an idiot all the time.
New England -10 vs. MIAMI
The Dolphins will spend their offseason saying they’re not getting rid of anybody and then leak to the media that they’re getting rid of some people and then wait to see who the public is least outraged about and then probably get rid of the wrong people because the Dolphins are idiots. Miko Grimes will spend the offseason getting really elaborate fingernails put on and using them to assault women who look at her husband.
Baltimore +9 vs. CINCINNATI
John Harbaugh is going to spend his offseason wrestling his brother in their parents’ front yard until their dad has to spray them with the hose.
New Orleans +5 vs. ATLANTA
The Saints are going to spend their offseason getting rid of the only competent members of their organization. Matt Ryan is going to spend his offseason watching highlights of himself from 2012 and calling Mike Mularky and hanging up.
HOUSTON -6.5 vs. Jacksonville
Houston has pretty much locked up a playoff spot and a first round loss to Kansas City so they’ll probably spend their offseason signing a bunch of bad quarterbacks and then getting stuck with Hoyer again until his brain dissolves because his wife’s placenta didn’t actually cure his concussions. Blake Bortles will spend his offseason calling Brian Hoyer to figure out how to cope with going bald at an early age.
Pittsburgh -10.5 vs. CLEVELAND
Ben will spend his offseason banging two rocks together and trying to make fire. Johnny Football will spend his offseason testing out new nicknames, like Johnny Instagram, Johnny Barfly, Johnny Boat Salesman…
KANSAS CITY -7 vs. Oakland
Andy Reid is going to the playoffs! He’ll be spending the next week watching film on JJ Watt. Namely his pizza commercial. “I CAN EAT PIZZA BETTR THN THIS GUY! WE’RE A LOCK!” he’ll say, eating two pizzas at the same time. The Raiders will spend their offseason trying to move to LA and getting shut out of LA and then driving around the country in Mark Davis’ Astro Van trying to find a new city to play in.
Tennessee +6 vs. INDIANAPOLIS
HAHHAHA Ryan Lindley might start this game? The Colts will spend their offseason lamenting the fact that they ended the season with Ryan Lindley and researching the concept of karmic retribution. The Titans will spend their offseason counting the black players on their roster to see if bringing in Chip Kelly is a legitimate option.
DALLAS -4 vs. Washington
Ugh I hope both of these teams spend their offseason being punched in the groin.
Detroit +1 vs. CHICAGO
Detroit is going to spend the offseason talking themselves into another season of Jim Caldwell’s corpse being propped up on the sidelines and Chicago will spend the offseason sneezing on Jay Cutler and trying to turn him into a corpse as well.
NY GIANTS -3.5 vs. Philadelphia
Both of these teams will spend the offseason staying up past their bedtimes since their dictator coaches will be gone.
San Diego +9 vs. DENVER
Denver can clinch the number one seed with a win and a Patriots loss, but most notable is that they will spend their offseason cutting Peyton Manning which is going to be the second time he’s been cut in his career which fills me with glee. Philip Rivers will spend his offseason trying to bring Christianity to Los Angeles.
St. Louis -3.5 vs. SAN FRANCISCO
Another team that will spend their offseaason packing for LA and Jim Tomsula might spend his doing the same since if you’re going to be living in a car, you probably want to migrate to a warmer climate.
ARIZONA -6 vs. Seattle
Two playoff teams! Either one could win the Super Bowl I guess, but Arizona is more likely to do so and then Bruce Arians will spend his offseason buying diamond studded Kangols and waving his dick outside the Pittsburgh Steelers’ practice facility.
GREEN BAY -3.5 vs Minnesota
We finally end with a game that decides a divisional champion! The winner will probably have to play Seattle at home or at the very least get a home game in the rematch. The loser could end up playing at Washington so the incentive to win this game is pretty slim. I don’t think either team has a legitimate shot at the Super Bowl so they’ll spend their offseasons being fucking losers and being cold as hell.
We did it! We made it to the end of one of the saddest regular seasons of all time! I had a pretty awful record, although I got myself back to 9 games under .500 before this week, which is impressive considering how I started. Could I go 13-3 this week? Sure, if I’m any better at gambling than I was a week ago (I’m not.) BUT: The playoffs are where I make my money, and come next week I’m gonna be rolling in it and I’m finally going to be able to buy that sex zeppelin I’ve always wanted.
LAST WEEK: 7-7-2
SEASON TOTAL: 110-119-11
DICK PICKS WEEK 16
Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that celebrates Christmas by whispering the f-word to baby Jesus so he knows how to use it when he comes back from heaven.
Alright, it’s Christmastime so I’m going to keep this brief. I’m sorry if you’re Jewish and were looking forward to the normal 5000 word garbage pile but we all know you’re used to having to deal with this bullshit.
Christmas season is the worst, but I can understand why people love it. It’s a reason to make them happy while there’s nothing to be happy about. The weather sucks, it gets dark at 2pm, and there’s nothing good to watch on TV because you’ve seen every Christmas special 200 times and that sad-sack Charlie Brown doesn’t have the same impact anymore now that you’ve got your own fucking problems that don’t involve everyone liking your dog better than you.
Surprisingly though, I do have something sincere to say this week. This week, Charles Woodson announced he was retiring from the NFL. Charles Woodson was my favorite player during probably my most formative football-watching years. The years you learn to love the sport, and the years your fandom and your favorites have more to do with what you love about the game than where you live. Sure, a lot of that is tied to winning, but isn’t it the greats who win in the first place? You haven’t learned the nobility of suffering yet, so you attach yourself to the players and teams that show you how greatness works and where to recognize it.
I became a Michigan football fan through a long and convoluted line of reasoning that resulted from pure hatred of Boston College and Notre Dame. I lost my Michigan fandom when I paid a lot of money to go to a school that thrives on their hatred of the Wolverines. That was long after Charles Woodson won the Heisman trophy though, and long after I remember him leaving the field with a rose in his mouth and long after he might have derailed the career of my next favorite player and another Michigan alum if not for a controversially interpreted rule (and a missed call on him contacting said fellow Wolverine in the head but whatever.)
The fact of the matter is, I barely remember football without Charles Woodson. Getting old is fucked up. On to the picks. Last week’s picks went 9-5-2. As always, the home team is in caps.
OAKLAND -6 vs. San Diego
This might be the last game between these teams before one of them moves to LA and nobody cares about them ever again. Maybe it’s a fair trade for the inevitable reduction in parking lot stabbings, but is that really a fair price to pay for listening to Jim Nantz gush over washed-up movie stars sitting in the stands in a desperate effort to be seen? Maybe the stabbings weren’t as big of a problem as we thought.
PHILADELPHIA -3 vs. Washington
- ENOUGH. NO!
MINNESOTA -5.5 vs. NY Giants
I really hope the Vikings trot Joe Mauer out as an honorary captain and let him bring a bat onto the field, but knowing how passive aggressive Minnesotans are I would assume they just ignore the Giants and pretend everything is fine. NO REALLY. IT’S FINE.
Chicago +3 vs. TAMPA BAY
Lovie Smith faces his old team and maybe for old time’s sake he calls all of his timeouts in the first six minutes of the game and then tries to challenge an incomplete pass that Jameis Winston throws out of bounds.
Carolina -7 vs. ATLANTA
Cam Newton will probably have a huge day in the only stadium in the NFL where if someone calls him the n-word it’s more likely than not affectionately.
BUFFALO -6 vs. Dallas
Case Keenum gets the start for the Cowboys this week. Wait, it’s Kellen Moore? Are they even different people? Are you sure? Maybe Case Keenum just got another concussion and forgot his real name. Like some kind of idiot Jason Bourne. Maybe he’ll use the towel on his pants to strangle Mario Williams and make Rex Ryan’s life a whole lot easier.
Jacksonville +3.5 vs. NEW ORLEANS
Drew Brees tore his plantar fascia which seems like the new vogue injury for old-ass quarterbacks whose teams don’t want to pay them anymore. Are trainers laying broken glass down in the showers? Jay Gruden may have started a new trend by intentionally injuring quarterbacks that your team doesn’t want anymore, which will be the first trend Jay Gruden has started since his Arena Football team wore Zubaz before Gronk realized their complicated patterns made them the ultimate strip club pants.
DETROIT -9.5 vs. San Francisco
The Detroit Lions didn’t realize the NFL season started until it was about seven weeks too late which puts them slightly ahead of the Detroit Police Department in terms of response time.
Cleveland +12 vs. KANSAS CITY
Sure, Kansas City is probably going to win this game, but by the time they’re up 17 points Andy Reid will be too busy thinking about the deviled eggs he hid in his office to realize the Browns were driving for a garbage time touchdown. “They’re going for the onside kick.” his assistant will say. “Eggs.” Andy will reply, smelling his hands and imagining that they are already filled with eggs.
New England -3 vs. NY JETS
The Jets supposedly have home field advantage but since Italians celebrate Christmas for two months so they can pray to all of their weird spaghetti gods, Jets fans might not even remember there’s a football game this week.
Houston +4.5 vs. TENNESSEE
Let the Brandon Weeden redemption tour begin! JJ Watt and Zach Mettenberger have a little feud going which is funny because it’s like if Nas got into a rap feud with Aaron Carter. Usually I’m not one to root for JJ Watt since he left Wisconsin, but I found out this week that Zach Mettenberger got kicked out of the University of Georgia for sexual battery. For a college quarterback at a major school to actually plead out to a charge like that I can’t imagine what Caligula-type shit he pulled. I hope it rains a lot on Sunday and his penis gets struck by lightning.
ARIZONA -4.5 vs. Green Bay
Just setting up next week’s showdown where the Packers tear the heart out of Vikings fans but don’t worry because IT’S FINE. EVERYTHING IS STILL FINE. THE HOT DISH IS IN THE OVEN WHY WOULD THE HOT DISH BE IN THE OVEN IF EVERYTHING WAS NOT FINE?!
SEATTLE -13.5 vs. St. Louis
Seattle is being handed some pretty soft punching bags before they eventually take on the Panthers in the Divisional Playoffs. I don’t know if tuning up a bunch of sad-sacks is going to get them ready to take on the Panthers, but it will be a lot nicer than the Washington Build Your Own Dildos somehow pulling an upset and getting their home built dildos put in very uncomfortable places by Cam Newton. Fucking Cam. Can’t stop sexualizing football and making everyone’s children pregnant drug addicts.
Pittsburgh -10 vs. BALTIMORE
DENVER -3 vs. Cincinnati
Remember when this looked like a marquee game? Remember Charles Woodson’s rookie year? Remember Disco? Flappers? The Civil War? The Plague? Yeah. This will probably be about as good as The Plague. The bad one. The one that is in the books. I don’t want to call it the Black Plague because that seems racist but you know the one I’m talking about.
LAST WEEK: 9-5-2 *my skeleton starts rattling it’s jaw like it’s cold but it’s really just building up skeleton energy*
SEASON TOTAL: 103-112-9