Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that HAS NOT killed any beloved celebrities this week despite what the evidence may lead you to believe.
AHHHH WHAT A SHITTY WEEK! My picks went 0-4, David Bowie died, Alan Rickman died, the President stole our guns, I didn’t win the Powerball, and I ordered food from a Thai place that has these really good sweet and spicy wings and I dropped one of the wings on my pants and my pants got sticky with whatever it is they put on the wings. Chicken glue? I don’t know but it looks like I got semen on my pants only all of the sperm committed seppuku on the way out.
Last weekend’s games were not very good. This doesn’t bode well for the rest of the playoffs (especially in the AFC.) The two close games ended on a series of boners so bad you would think you just walked in on a GOP circle jerk (HA CHA CHA.) But seriously folks, Vontaze Burfict is too stupid to even be executed in Texas! I kid I kid. No but really what a fucking idiot. Blair Walsh’s mistake was a little more understandable because if Minnesota won they could have had another home game this postseason and as the kicker he probably thought FUCK THAT and did his whole stupid team a favor because now they can spend their weekends somewhere down south where it’s warm and everyone knows what a good ol’fashioned testicle whuppin looks like.
The other two games were blowouts where even the winning teams didn’t manage to look very good, so yay? At least Brian Hoyer can be sealed in a tube and frozen for CTE testing now that Houston will be dredging the lakes for a new QB this offseason. Washington on the other hand, is probably going to hand Kirk Cousins $120 mil and the keys to Dan Snyder’s Fuck Yacht. This is a very Washington problem to have and I’m giddy about it. Your mediocre QB stumble his way to 9-7 and a division title because the rest of the division is struggling not to eat the bodies of their dead just to survive. PAY THAT MAN HIS MONEY! The idiots will say. HE’S NOTHING LIKE THE BLACK GUY! They will also say, but not as loudly and probably not on the radio. They’ll be married to Gruden and Cousins for another four years because Tony Romo and Dez Bryant died (RIP Tony Romo and Dez Bryant.) These guys get to keep their jobs BY ACCIDENT! Through sheer happenstance the best team in the division lost their best players for most of the season, and this is going to cripple the Make Your Own Dildos for the foreseeable future. So maybe this week wasn’t ALL bad. ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 0-4. As always, home team is in caps.
Kansas City +5 vs. NEW ENGLAND
Ughhhhh if the Patriots lose a home playoff game to Andy Reid, who I have given more shit than any other coach in the league, I will legitimately cry like a child who just dropped his ice cream cone onto Santa Claus’ rotting corpse. Or like Andy Reid would cry in that situation, because of all the perfectly good ice cream and Santa meat going to waste.
I’m not really looking forward to this game because I have a feeling I know how it will go. Kansas City will run the ball well. The Patriots will run the ball poorly but keep running it anyway. Brady will get abused on third and longs. The Chiefs will go up by 17 points. The Pats will realize “hey this running thing isn’t working, let’s run the hurry up and throw the ball around!” And they will. And Tom Brady will lead two furious touchdown drives. And the Pats will lose by three. Can we talk about something else? Yes? Thank you.
I was eating sour patch kids earlier because I am a grown adult and I can make dietary choices for myself, and I noticed the packaging said something along the lines of “NOW WITH BLUE!” which shouldn’t have been a big deal but IT KIND OF WAS A BIG DEAL! Why introduce blue now??? Why not during the blue raspberry craze of 1995??? Will the blue make the other flavors taste weird??? Did you eliminate yellow when you added blue??? WELL WHY THE FUCK NOT????
Long story short, the blue sour patch kids were pretty good and everything turned out okay.
Green Bay +7 vs. ARIZONA
Hmm… this feels like a trap. It makes sense because Arizona has had great home field advantage over the past two years, and Green Bay still might be reeling a little bit, but the fact that it’s 7 and not 6.5 has me leaning to Green Bay. These are the people who framed Steven Avery! If they can frame a guy who probably committed the murder anyway, then they can cover a touchdown on the road.
I think there will be a lot of points scored though. So many points that if a New York cop walked by the game he’d be like “HEY! HEY YOUS! WHAT’S WIT ALL THE POINTS???” And they’d be like “DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT I GOT A PERMIT!” And he’s all “I DON’T SEE NO PERMIT” and then Bruce Arians is all “I GOT YA PERMIT RIGHT HEEEE” and then he grabs his crotch and pulls at it a little bit and the cop is like “DON’T MAKE ME COME OVA THERE!!” but everybody knows he’s not going to come over there.
Seattle +2.5 vs. CAROLINA
IT’S RUSSELLMANIA VS. CAMDLE IN THE WIND!!! THE BLACK QUARTERBACK WHO’S “ONE OF THE GOOD ONES” VS. THE BLACK QUARTERBACK WHO’S “ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE!!!”
I wonder how much easier Cam’s life would be if Russell Wilson wasn’t around for dumb white people to hold up as the “example” of “how real leaders behave.” I’m sure Cam wouldn’t say it, but I bet he wants to punch Wilson right in the face. I bet he watches that Russell Wilson/Macklemore commercial and fucking seethes. If Cam Newton hung out with any rapper they would probably be classified as a gang by the FBI and then they would send the DEA after him like El Chapo and Sean Penn would interview him because he needs a picture of himself next to a black person so people will think he’s a tough guy.
The thing is… Russell Wilson is magic. It’s a kind of dopey magic that makes everybody else angry, but nobody gets consistently luckier than the Seahawks, (Malcolm Butler aside YEEEAAAAHHHHHH) and at some point you have to wonder if it’s actually luck or if Russell Wilson has sold his soul to the Dark Lord for supernatural football powers. “WELL THEN EXPLAIN MALCOLM BUTLER!” you’ll say? That’s easy. Tom Brady did it first so he takes precedent.
DENVER -7 vs. Pittsburgh
HAHAHAHA OH MY GOD FUCK THIS GAME SO HARD. Put this fucker on mute because the slurping sounds coming from Jim Nantz’ mouth are going to make your mom uncomfortable. I don’t know which quarterback’s toughness is going to make him more engorged (yes I do, it’s Peyton’s, BUT YOU BET YOUR BUTTON BEN IS ALSO TOUGH! WE ARE WATCHING TWO WARRIORS HERE TODAY AND I HAVEN’T BEEN THIS HARD SINCE I BROKE MY DICK FUCKING THE HOLES AT AUGUSTA.
Nantz was disgusted a couple weeks ago at the mere IDEA that he would CONSIDER bringing up Peyton’s HGH scandal. Well what happens if he throws for 400 yards and 7 touchdowns this weekend? Is Jim going to chalk it up to bed rest and whole milk? And what if Peyton is a disaster? What’s Jim going to blame? The weather? ISIS? TAINTED HGH??? THE MAN CLEARLY DIDN’T GET WHAT HE WAS PAYING FOR! AS IF I WOULD TIP A MASSEUR WITHOUT GETTING THE HAND JOB FIRST!!!
This is going to be a bad game that is bad to watch and is going to make you feel bad. I’ll save you the trouble: Ben tries to throw a lot but can’t. Peyton hands the ball off a lot and throws a little bit but when he throws everyone acts like he’s a paraplegic walking for the first time after the accident. Denver’s defense scores a touchdown. Pittsburgh doesn’t do jack shit. 17-7 Denver and everybody goes the fuck home.
LAST WEEK: 0-4
PLAYOFF TOTAL: 0-4
