Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that has burned down three homes attempting to fry a turkey and six homes attempting the electric slide.
Thanksgiving! The most footballingest holiday of the year! Thanksgiving without football would just be Canadian Thanksgiving. Which is American Columbus Day. Which is a holiday celebrating genocide. Which is like American Thanksgiving. Only Columbus Day is more Italian. So Thanksgiving without football would be like Italian Thanksgiving, and the last thing we need is to give those people more holidays. HEY TODAY IS THE FEAST OF ST. BARBARO PATRON SAINT OF CHAMPION HORSES BREAK OUT THE GABAGOOL! HEY KIDS! THERE IS CHOCOLATE IN YOUR SHOES FOR SOME REASON NO, I KNOW YOU KEEP SOME EXTRA CHOCOLATE IN THERE BUT THERE IS MORE THAN USUAL ON THIS DAY OF GREAT CELEBRATION!!!
Everybody seems to agree that the referees this year have been much worse than usual, and it does seem like every week there is some controversy that the league needs to explain the following day. I’m not sure if the refs are worse, or if they are just making bad calls in more meaningful moments than usual. My theory on how to cut down on the controversy of these calls: STOP APOLOGIZING!
It used to be that the refs would fuck up, and then the fans would complain about it for a while and everyone would shut up about it. But now the league is issuing apologies for all of these bad calls, and after the initial wave of “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!” there is the next-day aftershock of “I FUCKIN’ KNEW IT!!! THESE ASSHOLES DON’T KNOW THEIR OWN ASSHOLES FROM THE ASSHOLES THAT THEY ARE, METAPHORICALLY SPEAKING!!!”
What if the league just went back to shutting the fuck up about their mistakes? Apologizing, in this case, does not fix a damn thing, and only serves to make things worse. Everyone would still be mad, but I wouldn’t have to keep reading about THE NFL’S REFEREE CRISIS AND HOW DO WE FIX THE RULES SO THAT THE GUYS WHO ENFORCE THE RULES KNOW THE RULES AND DO THE RULES GOOD??? Dude, I don’t know. Every fan expects their team to get screwed by the rules once in a while (except Ravens fans who expect it constantly which makes the refs actually screwing them this year so much more fun.) I would worry more about how awful that Monday night game was despite the refs.How do you fix a league that seems to be so diluted that a couple of injuries turn otherwise competent teams like Green Bay and New England into middling trash? There’s really only one answer: let wide receivers and running backs carry knives.
ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 5-9 because of course they fucking did. As always, home team is in caps.
DETROIT -2 vs. Philadelphia
Since this is the early game, at least most people won’t be trying to watch Mark Sanchez play football on a full stomach, so this game will mostly induce dry heaves. Chip Kelly, football genius, is widely presumed to be on his way out of Philadelphia, either to Tennessee or to one of the several marquee college jobs available. This is very disappointing, because I really wanted to see how badly he could continue fucking this team up. HE SIGNED TIM TEBOW AND MARK SANCHEZ AND TRADED FOR SAM BRADFORD!!!! He probably threw a fit when Baltimore snatched up Jimmy Clausen this week. He turned his team into a graveyard for talented college quarterbacks who everybody knew would suck in the pros. I’m surprised he hasn’t worked out Troy Smith and Pat White yet. With his unflappable confidence and complete disregard for the mess he’s making and the lives he’s ruining, Chip Kelly is running this team like a homeless person jerks off on the subway.
DALLAS -1.5 vs. Carolina
Ughhhh do you know which team Greg Hardy used to play for? Greg Hardy, the bad guy? Greg Hardy the guy who is getting more attention than he ever did during any of his productive seasons before he was found to be a despicable and irredeemable person? OH GREAT I’M DOING IT NOW TOO!!! BUT WHAT IF CAM NEWTON’S GYRATIONS MAKE HIM HORNY FOR SEX???? THE DESTRUCTION WOULD BE SWIFT AND TOTAL!!!
GREEN BAY -8 vs. Chicago
“Jay Cutler in Green Bay” is all you have to say to get me on board here. “Jay Cutler in Green Bay” is the football equivalent of “land war in Asia” because it is never good but it keeps happening and we have to watch it happen and act like it’s going to be different this time.
HOUSTON -3 vs. New Orleans
Well if Houston scored 24 points against the Jets, by my calculations they should score somewhere in the neighborhood of *starts counting on fingers but notices some hot sauce on one finger and tries to lick it off but then realizes that it was highlighter and is now very mad* I don’t know, a lot probably. Maybe the Saints will just leave Drew Brees behind and collect their draft pick at a more convenient time.
Minnesota +1 vs. ATLANTA
The Falcon collapse has been in full-swing for about six weeks now, and everybody is pretending it’s just a mild slump. Matty Ice has the same numbers as Kirk Cousins this year. Imagine if you took Julio Jones away from him? He would be the Mormon Blaine Gabbert, which means he would have eight kids named Blaine, Blane, Blain, Blayn, Blayne, Blaighn, and Girl Blaighn. They would all end up playing quarterback at the collegiate level to varying degrees of success, with none of them ever cracking an NFL roster for more than a training camp. Except for Girl Blaighn, who would convert to safety and make two Pro Bowls as an alternate.
CINCINNATI -9 vs. St. Louis
You will never find two cities happier that a race war is breaking out in Chicago for once.
INDIANAPOLIS -3 vs. Tampa Bay
Oh look, a game that only Tony Dungy gives a shit about *does jerkoff motion so convincingly that all of Tony Dungy’s suppressed gay fantasies come flooding back and he explodes into a cloud of small dogs wearing tiaras*
New York Giants -3 vs. WASHINGTON
The Washington Make Your Own Dildos have a chance to grab a share of first place in this garbage division. The winners of the NFC East and AFC South should play each other at the end of the season and the winner gets to stay in the NFL but the loser goes to jail.
Oakland -1.5 vs. TENNESSEE
Oakland continues its “Make Rich Karski Look Like a Fucking Idiot” tour. Tennessee hasn’t won a home game in something like eight years, and if they win on Sunday then looks like I’m still the fucking idiot I guess.
KANSAS CITY -6.5 vs. Buffalo
I bet Andy Reid and Rex Ryan trade secrets about how to deal with their stomach staples. “If you eat all of your meals using a very long hose you can bypass the stomach entirely and you can take down a whole turkey dinner in 48 seconds. It’s not 21 seconds like the good old days, but it’s as close as we’re going to get.”
Miami +3.5 vs. NY JETS
San Diego +3.5 vs. JACKSONVILLE
Maybe Philip Rivers keeps having kids so he has enough people to avenge his death when his offensive line gets him murdered. I hope when the Chargers move to LA all of those kids take up acting and get tattoos of cartoon characters fucking.
Arizona -10 vs. SAN FRANCISCO
Jim Tomsula is coaching this team like he misses living in a van.
SEATTLE -4 vs. Pittsburgh
With the way this fucked up season is going, I would not be surprised to see these two teams play each other in the Super Bowl. Every team has a lot of problems, and injuries are tearing up the best of them. A Seattle/Pittsburgh Super Bowl is pretty much what we deserve. I’m sure Roger Goodell would happily hand the trophy off to a rapist as long as he doesn’t have to give it to Tom Brady or Cam Newton. Big Ben has the decency to thrust his hips and tamper with his balls away from the eyes of impressionable children with very stupid parents.
New England -3 vs. DENVER
Rex Ryan showed the NFL how to best take advantage of New England’s injuries and fuck up whatever Tom Brady is trying to do. I just can’t figure out Brock Osweiler yet. HE’S SO TALL! But is he… TOO TALL??? ONLY TIME WILL TELL!!! I imagine that shots of Peyton on the sideline making faces will dominate the entire broadcast. Ohhhh the commentary we’ll get from Phil and Jim… “There’s another shot of Peyton on the sideline, and Phil you know he wishes he was out there right now.” “Oh absolutely Jim. But just look at the way he commands that sideline. He’s the type of sideline commander that any team would be lucky to have on their sideline Jim.” “Or in the huddle!” “Haha that’s right Jim. Or in the huddle.” *screen goes black as locusts descend on the stadium*
CLEVELAND -2.5 vs. Baltimore
Hahahaha what the fuck these teams are still playing football? Didn’t Baltimore learn from last week what happens when you play football when you shouldn’t be doing that anymore? I hope John Harbaugh tears an achilles arguing defensive holding.