Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that is translated into American Sign Language for the hard of hearing.
Another week, another 7-9 finish for your boy. I’m pretty much the Miami Dolphins of gambling except I don’t even have Joe Philbin to blame for my pitiful performance that in hindsight should not have surprised anybody. Also I’m pretty sick this week so I’m either going very short or very long because I might not be of sound mind to write or I might be of unsound enough mind to keep writing even when I’m supposed to stop but INXS told me not to change so love me for who I am or get the fuck out (RIP Michael Hutchence you beautiful jerkoff angel.)
This past week actually had a some good football and some exciting storylines (as long as you ignore Denver/Detroit!) Julio Jones and AJ Green were unstoppable freaks of nature who should be made illegal. The Colts continue to suck and Andrew Luck looks like wet garbage but they won and will take the AFC South at 6-10. Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers look great so they’ll probably both get hurt because we’re not allowed to have nice things in the NFL anymore. Carson Palmer also looks great but will definitely get hurt because his body is made out of balsa wood. San Francisco, Cleveland, New Orleans, and Tampa suck. The Bears REALLY suck. But my two favorite stories came from the same game. MUST HAVE BEEN ONE HELL OF A GAME, RIGHT???
Hell no. The Steelers beat the Rams like 3-1, BUT Big Fucking Idiot Ben was injured and will miss 4-6 weeks meaning the keys are being handed to Mike Vick and I sure hope he doesn’t leave those keys where his brother can get them. This could end Pittsburgh’s season, which would make me laugh because I hate their team ever so much. If you think I’m being petty remember that these are the people that elected and CONTINUED TO ELECT Rick Santorum. Anybody who thinks that guy’s ideas are good should be banished to a hideous wasteland far away from decent soci- well… they should at least suffer through a shitty football season too.
The other best storyline from this game was the Rams’ turf catching on fire after the pre-game pyrotechnic display. Stan Kroenke probably planned that so he could say “SEE WE HAVE TO MOVE TO LA OUR DAMN FIELD IS ON FIRE AND IT WILL PROBABLY BE ON FIRE AGAIN!!! EVERY WEEK, FOR SEVERAL YEARS!” I see you Stan Kroenke. But moving out of St. Louis would be my first move too, so don’t let the haters get you down. You keep setting those fires Stan. God Bless. ON TO THE PICKS!!! Last week’s picks went 7-9. As always, home team is in caps.
Baltimore -3 vs. PITTSBURGH
I already talked about the driving factor in this spread above, because Baltimore has been laughably bad so they would have needed an act of god to be favored in this game. Well, apparently god hates sexual assault (despite centuries of evidence otherwise GOD IS GETTING TOO PC TOO YOU GUYS THEY WON’T EVEN LET HIM SAY THE N-WORD PROBABLY EVEN THOUGH HE INVENTED IT WITH MARK TWAIN AT A BAR ONE TIME!!!) I have picked the Ravens and lost every week because they have been pathetic. That is, aside from Steve Smith Sr. who just wants one last chance to smack the league with his big-ass dick. I bet Steve Smith Sr. uses that dick to smack the coleslaw off the whole damn Steel City. If there’s any reason to pick the Ravens this week, it’s because of Steve Smith Sr.’s big-ass dick.
Miami +2 vs. NY Jets (LONDON, ENGLAND, THE LESSER ENGLAND)
Miami is a disaster, and they are already itching to fire their coach. The locker room hates him, the media hates him, the owner hates him, his wife fucking hates him, and his dog barely tolerates him. Still… the Jets showed their cracks last week, and this is a game Miami needs to win. Plus in a battle of Fitzpatrick vs. Tannehill the English are definitely going to be on Miami’s side. The Queen wouldn’t want AN IRISHMAN claiming victory on her turf. If there’s one thing the Queen hates, it’s the fucking Irish. If there’s two things the Queen hates, the other one is probably like onions or something but the first is definitely the Irish.
INDIANAPOLIS -9.5 vs. Jacksonville
Andrew Luck has been the worst quarterback in football this year after being picked to win the MVP by pretty much everyone who forgot Aaron Rodgers was a thing. That prediction isn’t working out too well, but that’s not to say Luck is suddenly and inexplicably a terrible quarterback. They’re now alluding to a mysterious shoulder or rib injury, which may or may not have something to do with it, but I fully expect him to rain down vengeance on his doubters by taking apart a Jacksonville team that just had to bend over backwards and taste their own assholes against New England.
ATLANTA -6.5 vs Houston
“Hi, I’m Julio Jones and I have DirecTV. And I’m also just regular-ass everyday Julio Jones, and I have cable because it doesn’t matter what kind of television I watch you cannot turn me into a fucking nerd loser because I will wreck your shit like you fucking read about.”
Carolina -3 vs. TAMPA BAY
Is Carolina somehow going to sneakily go undefeated? *checks schedule, sees @SEAHAWKS next week* Hahaha NOPE. But aside from games vs. Green Bay, and two vs. Atlanta, this team really plays a dogshit schedule. The NFL is so bad this year, that they could win 11 games with no offensive line or wide receivers or cornerbacks or footballs. That will be another playoff appearance to justify not putting anybody useful around Cam Newton because THE SYSTEM IS WORKING JUST SNAP THE BALL AND CROSS YOUR FINGERS BUDDY YOU’RE DOING GREAT! Also Jameis Winston is a chubby idiot.
BUFFALO -5.5 vs. NY Giants
Rex Ryan still won’t stop talking about the Patriots, turning him into a caricature of Walter from the Big Lebowski with two Sundays ago being his Vietnam. Well Rex, luckily you’ve got a disaster of an offensive line coming to town, so you can probably spend most of the afternoon hitting the deck anytime somebody says the number 12 while your d-line plants Eli into the turf.
Oakland -3 vs. CHICAGO
HEY MAYBE I WAS RIGHT ABOUT THE RAIDERS ALL ALONG!!! The Raiders are a road favorite! When was the last time this happened??? *googles whatever the fuck I was just talking about* THREE YEARS HOLY SHIT! And Amari Cooper is a beast. I can’t imagine suffering through this team for so long just to watch them land a stud player immediately before they bail for another city *everyone in Seattle gets really mad for like a second then goes back to drinking like a fucking coffee or something I don’t know*
Philadelphia -3 vs. WASHINGTON
Throw this game in the fucking river. Ban the NFC East. Murder the government. But only if all of these teams die from the residual effects.
Kansas City +4 vs. CINCINNATI
Okay, at SOME POINT, The Bengals could very well prove to be last year’s Cowboys, who I doubted for months before finally giving in and deciding they were not terrible. ORRR… At some point they could turn into the Bengals we all secretly expect them to be and expose themselves as frauds. Well, why not this week? Sure, Alex Smith is fucking terrible and has the arm strength of a baby who is weak even for a baby, but Jamaal Charles is incredible and maybe Andy Reid will be too busy eating chili on the sideline to take him out of the game when he should be getting the ball on every play. “Hey, did you know they put it on spaghetti down here??? I’ve been eating it off the lid of a trash can! THIS HAS CHANGED THE GAME!”
SAN DIEGO -7.5 vs Cleveland
No. Go away.
Green Bay -8 vs. SAN FRANCISCO
I don’t know if I can fully blame him due to the team that was constructed around him, but Colin Kaepernick is going through a Josh Freeman-esque regression. Meanwhile, Tyrod Taylor went from marginal backup to competent wildcard in Buffalo under Greg Roman. Maybe coaches matter you guys! Sure, Jim Tomsula loves football so much that he lives under a bridge and fights rats for cans of beans just to survive and keep coaching, but he might not, you know, KNOW anything.
Speaking of not knowing anything, who knew taking the play calling away from Mike McCarthy would be a good thing for the Packers?! HAHA I DID I AM A SMART HANDSOME CHAMPION OF MEN!! The best thing this team could do was make Mike McCarthy a fucking decoration. Aaron Rodgers is just getting it done and if we don’t get a Super Bowl between Rodgers and Brady where both teams put up 50 points then good riddance to the quarterback position I guess and enjoy watching Dalton vs. Stafford and all that bullshit you fucking heathens.
Minnesota +6.5 vs. DENVER
Take the under in this game because both defenses are solid and both offenses have the ability to be as tragic as a toddler drinking bleach provided it was a reasonably cute toddler. I can’t believe I’m picking against Peyton Manning at home against Teddy Bridgewater, but I watched all of Denver’s games and my god they look awful. They could barely even close out defenses that Oakland and Minnesota laid waste to, and only beat Kansas City on the strength of their defense. If Denver doesn’t show me more this week I’m picking Oakland to beat them and probably checking myself back into the looney bin just as a precaution.
ARIZONA -7 vs. St. Louis
HOOO BOY I BET THE TURF THIS WEEK IS GOING TO GET SCORCHED BY LARRY FITZGERALD SCORING MORE TOUCHDOWNS OR AT THE VERY LEAST BY CARSON PALMER’S GROSS RED HAIR. Is Bruce Arians the best coach in NFL history? No, but Jeff Fisher might be the worst coach who remains steadily employed. I’m not even sure Jeff Fisher knows anything about football. I don’t think his name is even Jeff Fisher. I think he Talented Mr. Ripleyed some other coach and just showed up with that hair and mustache and said “I’m Jeff Fisher” then the GM said “Hell yeah you are. Let’s win some football games!” and “Jeff Fisher” was like “Sure just tell me where my… uh… coaches chambers… is?”
Dallas +7 vs. NEW ORLEANS
Wow what a Sunday night treat! Way to keep picking the fucking NFC East NBC! Thankfully I’ll be seeing old-ass Tom Verlaine and Television on Sunday night. You know things are pretty desperate when I’m taking Brandon Weeden on the road, but this line assumes that a) Drew Brees is going to play and b) he is going to play effectively enough at football to win a game of it. Unless he’s using some good old New Orleans voodoo to get himself back to full strength I figure he’ll probably either be out for Sunday’s game or try to play and play poorly. As poorly as Brandon Weeden even! But Dallas’ defense is better than the Saints’ ever since Rob Ryan disappeared on spring break three years ago. RIP Rob Ryan he died trying to reenact every Toby Keith song.
SEATTLE -9.5 vs. Detroit
Motherfucker. I watched Detroit last Sunday night. I BELIEVED in Detroit. I TRUSTED Detroit. I will never do that again. Robocop would be fucking ashamed. Matt Stafford looks like a fat piece of Texas cow shit who is wasting the Calvin Johnson’s prime. I hate this team. And all the while Jim Caldwell sits there like a fucking idiot who is waiting for the microwave to finish his damn hot pocket so he can burn his fucking mouth on it. Fuck. FUCK.
LAST WEEK: 7-9-0 *rope tightens*
SEASON TOTAL: 19-28-1