Nothing says summer time fun like drunken debauchery. Hazy summer nights are the perfect time to enjoy and adult beverage or two and proceed to drinking a whole bottle of rum out of watermelon.
And the warm summer days are perfect for outdoor day drinking to the point of heat stroke. My point being, why bother having fun if you are going to remember it? In this edition of my summer time fun guide, I will teach you how to get drunker than a dandy at an ether party.
Beer, is there anymore of an American symbol for summer time? According to the television advertising industry, no there is not. They’ve got you thinking about it right now, bikini girls, bikini boys, and a dick shaped locomotive that turns everything into icy slip and slide.
Oh man are you getting ready to go pick up six pack right now… I’m sorry I mean six six packs all put together in one box. I bet you are. Well, here’s the thing. Those beers are not summer time fun beers. They are ‘You should probably seek counseling,’ beers because you have to drink flavorless garbage water just to take the edge off.
In the interest of full disclosure, in the 11 months and 12 days a year that it is not summer in Boston, I am a bit of a beer snob. And I could write an entire article about the options presented by the American Craft beer industry, whether or not you should go with an American Wheat ale or a kolsch or a nice fruity shandy (hint never go with a shandy). But I’m not going to do that because summer time fun is not about pontificating about your ales, it is about getting rip roaring drunk on the lightest beer possible.
Points if you can balance that American wheat ale on your head while blacked out!
So, if you can’t drink Shitty American Beer and you can’t drink good American Beer what do you drink? The answer cerveza de México. That is Spanish for beer of the god forsaken drug-war-torn wasteland south of the god forsaken drug-war-torn wasteland that is California. We’ll call it Mexico for short. Shitty Mexican beer is a lot like shitty American beer except that shitty American beer tastes like the liquid you would get if you ran a hobo’s clothes through a cider press and Mexican beer tastes like beer. The exception to that rule is Corona. Corona is only suitable for washing the blood away after you were beaten by a bro wearing a white tank top and cargo shorts after he had a few too many Coronas.
Any other Mexican beer though should do. Dos XX, Modelo, Pacifico, are all great choices, but Summertime Fun Ted’s beer of choice is Tecate. Yes,Tecate. It has been called Mexican Budweiser. And it does taste like Budweiser if Budweiser tasted superior to itself in every way possible. It should really be called the Canadian Budweiser because of its polite taste and views on socialized health care.
Budweiser that tastes good: A beer that defies physics. (via beerstore.com.au)
Now maybe beer isn’t quite your speed. Meaning you need to drink a bunch of them to get drunk and you just don’t have time for that. So what do you drink to get in the express lane to Margaritaville? Might I suggest a Margarita. Yep, its another Mexican Beverage. Let’s face it, those people live in a hot summer-like climate all the time and have good reason to drink their problems away.
Here’s my first tip for drinking a Margarita: Be ready to drink a whole bunch more because they are just so damn good.
Second tip: If its not on the rocks with salt send it back. What’s that? You don’t have salt because this is a french themed wine bar? Well, go find some because I walked in here thinking this was a Mexican restaurant famous for the its Margaritas, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to to let actual reality shatter my sense of reality.
Third tip: Never get Jose Cuervo brand Tequila. Jose Cuervo is the American beer of the Tequila industry. My suggestion would be go with some Hornitos brand tequila. ‘But, Ted I don’t drink Tequila because I had a bad experience with it once, I drank a whole bottle of it and got on the wrong bus in Mexico and almost ended up in Cartel territory.’
Summertime Fun Ted and the Gayest Man in Hollywood.
Well, to you I would say to you maybe get over it. Who hasn’t had a bad experience with tequila? I once drank so much of it I woke up in puddle of my own vomit and my mom was very mad at me. I got over it. But if you really can’t bring yourself to drink tequila there are other summer time fun spirits.
Rum and Pineapple juice is a perfectly fine summer time fun drink. This entire article could have been on the merits of Malibu Coconut Rum had they not rejected my bid to be their official Spokesman. Their loss. Don’t make the same mistake Hornitos. Drink Hornitos brand Tequila the soon to be official Tequila of Summertime Fun Ted.
We here at UnScene Comedy are advocates for responsible parenting. (via pinterest.com)
Since I covered beer and liquor I should probably give some time to wine. Probably but not going to. I’ve been told there are good summer wines, I also been told by a medical doctor that I have a drinking problem. Just because someone tells me something doesn’t mean its true.
The only time in the course of having summertime fun should you consume wine is if you exhausted all other options and you’ve had to break into the wine room of a local country club. That or someone offers you some free wine. That rule goes for everything else I told you not to drink as well. If booze is free then it is your booze and it would be wasteful to not get wasted of it. So this summer raise a glass, and keep it raised until your arm goes limp. I don’t know if this will get you drunker faster but it will be a fun experiment to try.
And if it seems like I’m encouraging irresponsible drinking then maybe you need chill out. It’s the summer time there are no consequences as long as you have a tan. Its warm out so you can walk home, or just pass out on the beach.
And if the Ocean washes you away then everyone know you died a hero’s death.
Cheers.
